I'm only with DP for the sake of DP

[RamblingRosa]

That's it really. I've felt like this for a long time. I don't think I love DP. He's not a bad person. He hasn't cheated on me. I just don't feel much for him other than irritation and sometimes anger.

I know that he doesn't make me happy and I don't think I make him happy but I feel trapped and like I can't split up our family because both DP and DD (3) would be devastated.

I don't know why I'm posting this on here. I don't know if I really need advice. I suppose I just need to get that off my chest and say it "out loud" as it were.

Anyone else feel the same? Anyone else felt like this and done something about it?

Yes I sometimes feel the same. I don't actually know whether or not I love DH sometimes - he irritates me almost constantly - but I do know that I won't be doing anything about it - too complicated by far (not going to let on why as it would out me and I have namechanged for this)

I don't feel happy a lot of the time - but I don't know whether DH is to blame entirely for that or whether it comes from within - I had a lot of things happen at once a few years ago and it kind of threw my world off balance - not sure I've regained it yet.

Are there still things about your DP that you do like and possibly love? Or is it just a complete lost cause?

Thanks Hidingfrommyname. I probably should have name changed too! Sorry you're feeling the same way.

And just spotted typo/Freudian slip in my title. It should read "for the sake of DD"!. Although actually it is about staying for DP's sake too as I know he'd be heartbroken.

I know what you mean about wondering if really it's my problem rather than his. I've struggled with depression/PND on off for a long time now and I wonder if it's actually my own problems that are making me unhappy rather than my relationship.

It's chicken and egg though. Other days I look at it and think that I would be much less depressed and happier if I had a more supportive DP and if I was happier in my relationship.

I find myself feeling really nostalgic for a time when I felt more alive romantically and I loved falling in love, being in love, having sex. Now the only love I feel is the mother's love I have for my DD. It seems like a distant memory to feel romantic love or sexual excitement.

Sorry, feeling a bit sorry for myself today. Been a shit weekend.

I have been/am in a similar position than you too. I was finding it very dificult to see if the problem was coming from me or from DH.

I finally realized that it wasn't me or him but US. For a few years, we have been hurting each other, not on purpose but because as I (he) was hurting, it became impossible to see the other's point of view.

It came to a stop this weekend as i finally told him I had enough. That there was little in our relationship that looked like Love. That we were hurting each other and had been doing so for a long time now.... And he agreed...

What I have learnt from that is that I should have spoken a long time ago. By letting things unspoken we have destroyed the good parts of our marriage. But I was afraid, didn't think it was fair on the dcs, didn't have any income of my own blabla... In reality, I know I have been looking for reasons not too speak out because it is a bloody scary thing to do/say!

Once I realized that there was no need to try and find a 'culprit' for our failed marriage and that things would just get worse if we were not conscioulsy doing something about it, then it became easier to move on.

Saying that, I have no idea which direction we are going now...

How about getting him along to Relate Rosa? It may be salvageable with counselling.
Obvious to say, but the romantic phase doesn't necessarily last once the realities of life and DCs start to take over. You could maybe do with some help in reassessing and redefining this marriage.

Sorry to hear your situation has come to a head Fire and Water. I almost said something yesterday too but bit my tongue because it feels like there would be no going back and I have to be really, really sure that I want us to split up.

Katisha, we did try a relate type thing a few years ago when DD was just a baby (this has been going on a long time) but we didn't follow it through beyond the first session mainly for logistical reasons (both working, didn't have much money to pay for counselling, to tired to contemplate doing something like that in the evenings after work, didn't want to spend precious time doing counselling when we could be with DD). All rubbish reasons really but that's what happened.

I guess that should be my first step though rather than just saying we should split up.

I suppose I'm partly a bit scared that it will put me in a situation where I have to either tell DP that I don't love him to his face or to lie about it.

Give it another try. It's a false ecomony to say it's wasting time you could be spending doing sometihng else as it's crucial to get this sorted asap.
Ring them again, would be my advice. And why would it mean you would have to lie about loving him? Hopefully it would put you in a position to tell the truth to each other and work out the way forward.
He is probably happy with his head in the sand at the moment and resisting change. I think this will have to come from you.

Yes, I know you're right. And yes it would have to come from me. I had to practically drag him there last time.

Rosa - it might be a better idea to go to counselling by yourself first. If you can get your own stuff sorted out, other things might fall into place better.

PND is terribly destructive, especially if it's low grade (not that I'm suggesting yours is, you haven't said) because it's less easily recognisable and therefore less likely to be dealt with and treated.
Never mind that though - regardless of PND, personal counselling will allow you to spill all your issues out without fear of retribution and the counsellor will be able to guide you to understanding whether or not you do still care enough for your DP to keep being with him. No one can tell you what to do - but by listening without prejudice, and guiding your thoughts, it may allow you to draw conclusions that are currently unavailable to you.

Consider trying that - you can try going via your GP but there might be a couple of issues there - there might be a long wait and it might only be CBT that's available (not so much of a talking therapy, more of a "how can we change your thoughts and behaviours so that life works better for you" therapy. So - you might need to pay for it privately.

We did this for the past 18 months, it was the elephant in the room for a long time, we then tried working really hard to get back on track, we then tried leading seperate lives under the same roof, we then talked it out over the summer and made the mutual decision to seperate. Its been stressful and sad but a weight has lifted off both our shoulders, the enormity of it is huge and the practicalities very difficult. I hope its the right decision but ultimately only time will tell. Its difficult, i wish you luck

hiding, I did try counselling by myself. I tried via my GP several times but provision in my area is rubbish and GP didn't know what to suggest other than to go private. I managed to get some free counselling through work but I stopped going after two sessions because I hated it. It made me feel really shit about myself. Maybe that's the point of it and it makes you feel worse before you feel better. I don't know. I didn't get on with the woman.

Maybe I should try again. I don't know if my problems count as PND anymore now that DD is 3 but I've been varying degrees of low ever since she was born.

Sorry to hear about your split chosenone. "living separate lives under the same roof" sounds like what we're doing. It's almost a conscious decision on my part (it's the easiest way to deal with this horrible purgatory of not wanting to be with someone but not being brave enough to make the break) but I think DP doesn't even realise that's what's going on.

I hope things get easier for you. IT sounds like you've made the right decision.

Rosa - it is quite important to get on with the counsellor, I believe, so that you are more comfortable revealing your innermost thoughts - so that might not have helped. And yes, sometimes you do come out of counselling feeling worse than you did going in - it's like cleaning an old, pus-filled wound - there is pain in varying degrees before you get down to the raw-but-clean bits - and then it really hurts for a bit but starts to heal properly. It might not have been the right time for you either - difficult to tell.

If you can try again, I would advise it but with a different person of course. If you've never really come out of PND then I think the name still counts, not sure. Either way, you're still down, it's affecting your life, functionality and your relationship, so regardless of what it's called, it needs to be dealt with.

And do make a list of things you still like about your DP - if there aren't any things, then perhaps splitting is the best option (although the counselling will still be of benefit to you)

I suppose I feel that when I've been to the GP or a counsellor it's been a bit like opening pandora's box and I've ended up in a really low place and can't stop crying. In a way it's easier to keep the lid on the box.

To be honest, there really isn't much on the list of things I like about DP. He makes me laugh sometimes when we're getting on. But he makes me angry more than he makes me laugh. He's loyal and faithful (AFAIK) and he puts up with me and my crazy depressed ways but I'm not sure that's a good enough reason to be with someone ("he's the only person who'd have me").

I'm also a bit baffled by counselling. I once tried to see a Gestalt counsellor and I didn't like that at all. There was a lot of sitting in silence which I just didn't feel comfortable with. I don't really know what kind of counsellor I should be seeing.

I can feel myself going on a bit of a downward spiral at the moment which scares me because I know I get into a place where I find it very hard to do anything positive (eg. contact a counsellor or see my GP) because it all just feels too difficult.

The trouble with Pandora's boxes is that whatever is inside does need to come out. And will push to come out - at times that may not be convenient to you, but at some point you have to listen and let the lid come off.

Gestalt counselling I find really weird as a concept - try humanistic counselling instead, that's more about communication - although it isn't the counsellor who needs to do the talking, they mostly reflect back to you what you have said and try to lead you on from it - so the jokey sketches about "and how does that make you feel?" are about right - but the idea is that rather than just reacting to your feelings when things happen, you examine them and see what's going on - this helps you to adjust better.

So when you're in a very low place, which it sounds like you are heading towards now, that is the time that the lid is pushing to come off - and the best time to take it off, clean the wound and start to heal.
If you are seeing negatives in everything, all around you, then your DP is part of that pattern too so it's unlikely that you can think much positive about him either.

Try this idea for size - and I don't think this is the case, necessarily but it might resonate - you think you are a bit pathetic to still be depressed; you cannot understand why your DP puts up with you and therefore he must be either desperate or a bit thick or just unobservant - he can't possibly really love you because you're so miserable and angry all the time, so what kind of loser does that make him, if he stays with you? And do you want that kind of loser to stay with you?

I'm not saying that's you at all - but it might be, it's the sort of thing that can badly affect relationships (my sister suffers from the above scenario) - and it can be down to your own low self-esteem, as it is with my sister. Fix your own issues and then see whether or not it changes your opinion of your DP.

Remember too that depression is a grey/black gauze that colours everything you see - once it lifts, things show in their true colours again and they might be much brighter than you think now.

Thanks for that Hiding. That scenario does resonate but it's more than that too. DP is actually quite useless and pisses me off in a million ways (generally not contributing, not helping, not being supportive etc) so it's not just that I see him as a loser because he chooses to stay with me.

There are a lot of real factors as well as all of those crazy depressed factors.

Thanks though.