How/will I get over the guilt of divorce?

[wonderingifthisisit]

I posted earlier in the year about my marriage, and my emotionally disinterested aka selfish husband. Thank you for all your support and advice.

Many months on, we are now about to separate. I have instigated this. My husband remains indifferent to the situation. He's happy enough to stay, but will go if that's what I want. He thinks it will be 'fine' for the children.

I have no doubt that separating is the right thing to do for me, and know that staying with him will destroy me completely. But I feel such overwhelming guilt that I am doing this to my children. Obviously this is made worse by the fact that he describes the situation as me 'kicking him out', so it is all my doing. This is despite the fact that he refuses to offer emotional support, practical support, or love to me in any form. And will not change in any way, but is 'willing' to stay and accept all my love, support and my doing absolutely everything in the home. Lucky me.

Anyway, my question is - will I ever get over the guilt? Is it worse at the moment because we're just going through the process, and it will be better once we're actually living in different homes? Or will the guilt of being a divorced mother haunt me forever? It's ridiculous, but I feel terrible that had they had a different mother, she might have been willing to go along with this and they would have an intact family.

Needless to say, 'D'H feels no such guilt.

pls don't feel guilty if its what you want to do, children are surprisingly resiliant and although they will probably be upset at first they wont be upset forever. you need to explain to them that you both love them the same, that its nothing that they have done but that its between you and dh and your feelings for each other have changed.

it will be better when you are living in different houses as you will be able to get on with your own life and get into a new routine. You need to sit and talk to you DH about what will happen in respect of contact etc and things that shouldnt be discussed with the children and that no blame should be put on one person,

If you stay with him what would end up happening? would you end up arguing? being in tears? hating in each other? or do you think things would improve with marriage counselling? if you think it would get worse do you really think your children would be better off with you both staying together seeing you fall apart??

Thanks countydurhamlass.
We've done marriage counselling. He sought only to be validated that he was fine, and took nothing on board. We saw two counsellors - both agreed his behaviours, expectations and capacity for emotion are entirely inconsistent with a loving intimate relationship. He disagrees. They also confirmed that unless he is willing to consider change, then I can't do it alone. He won't change.

If we stayed together? I can't bear to think about it. I have already spent much of the last few years crying. I think I already hate him. I certainly harbour huge resentment and anger. We've stopped arguing because I've given up.

And yet I still feel racked with guilt.

Wondering, i dont have much practical support to offer, but your post could of been written by me, (apart from the counselling) i have not even started divorce proceedings yet, (about to start) but i am already worrying about being the one to instigate it, and the long term affect on our children, so i know what you mean, i am sure some better quailfied posters will come along soon, sending you positive thoughts xx

I am one of those posters who beg others to think very very seriously before breaking up a family but I'd say this:

It's not about the divorce re your dc, but how you handle it.

My parents divorced and it was utterly devastating. I went from being a confident little girl to an insecure, volatile mess.

But this is because my feelings were never considered. No-one asked how I felt, no-one sought my opinion or even kept me informed of all the changes that rocked my world. My subsequent step mother put her children before us and my father was never on my side. Indeed he withdrew from us completely (guilt?).

I am sure you will not do any of this - you will do the opposite - and therefore your dc will have a very good chance of becoming happy, secure adults.

I'm sorry it's such a painful time for you, x

Thanks, proudandglad, you make a good point about allowing and respecting the DCs opinions.
Sorry to hear you're on the same path susiedaisy.

I feel sick with guilt that I failed my children by not choosing better, or at least being able to put them first. I feel incredibly selfish.