Need to get this straight in my mind - cant believe this is happening to me

[DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved]

So something awful happened & i cannot tell anyone in rl, but its hard to sort out my head on my own. especially as dh is pretending it didn't happen, so much that i am getting a bit confused, so I wanted to write it down [name changed]. This is a very long and jumbled post as I am trying to work out what happened. For some reason it feels really important to me to sort the details out in my head. I don;t know why. Maybe it will make me feel more grounded and real somehow.

Relationship with dh has disintegrated, and 4 weeks ago, he moved out - pushed by me as I gave him an ultimatum, treat me better or leave, and he chose the leave option.

He is i guess you'd say mentally abusive, i've been really worn down and he will be rude and mean and belittling, and leaves me to do everything [money, baby, housework etc]. He will be horrible and then keeps pretending that everything is ok even when they aren;t - i mean really changing reality, to the point when I feel like I am going mad as I naturally mirror his reality, except I know its not true and I start to doubt myself. is this 'gaslighting'?

Anyway, I have realised how much it is grinding me down and making me believe I am worth less than everyone else, and its permeating everything in my life, and other people are also treating me like I am worthless.

Very hard for me to give up on him, but I desperately want more children, and to build a nurturing, safe and satisfying life for me and ds [5 months]. So although its going against every fibre of my being, I am trying to keep him moved out. But he is creeping back into my life and ends up staying here but not being nice to me or apologizing or even acknowledging how hurt and panicked about the future i am.

This is what I mean about weird reality - he creeps back in and stays on the sofa, every few days I have to have a big 'moment' with him where I tell him he walked out and if he doesn;t want to be my partner he doesn;t have the right to be here, and that means he can;t stay here anymore, and he acts shocked and angry, and walks out for a night, then is back hours later pretending it hasn;t happened and genuinely shocked when I build up courage to do it all again... I am used to living a lie as thats what I had to do growing up, and it feels like some kind of hell, constantly doing the one thing I find almost impossible to do, see through the lies and stick to what is actually the truth of whats happening, over and over and over again...

So anyway, the evening I am really freaked out by happened 3 weeks ago. That evening I try and talk to him about getting some routine into when he comes over, what he does to help etc. But it all went wrong, I probably wasn;t very nice, and he got angry. He did hit me but it wasn;t unprovoked, not excusing it, but trying to be being balanced.

Don't know if I am over reacting, or under reacting, I guess thats where my sense of reality is screwed up, dont know what to do really. It was only once, but i've read enough to know thats how it always starts, but I really don't feel scared of him now, 3 weeks later. Except maybe I do as I won't be getting into another argument with him again, as I don;t trust him when he gets angry he's not in control of himself. He also said some pretty terrifying things which am scared by too [about taking my ds away]. But then there really is no history of him doing things like that, so maybe it really is an isolated occasion. But can I really think that as he may not have hit me before, but he's destroyed my heart and soul and sense of self. crap. I really don't know.

sorry I am going to go on, here are the details of that night, so I can think it through, as its already slipping out of my brain.

He wouldn't acknowledge that this half in/ half out of relationship is destroying me, and so I went on and on at him, he was stonewalling me and when he did speak it showed a total lack of any humanity or empathy towards me. ust dismissive, & belittling of anything i tried to say.

And I did move towards him, get in his personal space and I was screaming at him to notice me and how I felt. I think I grabbed him, and thats when he just lost it and whacked me around the face. I know he gets overloaded with emotion, and that he tries to block out everything, but I just wanted him to acknowledge what he is doing to me. I guess I pushed him too far as I wanted a reaction, and i certainly got one, but it wasn;t the one i wanted.

He hit me across the face and neck, my head went into the sofa back, which I think made it alot less bad than it could have been. It least was soft, as I cannot believe how hard he hit me, I felt like my head was flying off my neck.

My eyes went blurry and my ears were ringing for it felt like ages after. Everything went a bit wobbly, didn't hurt for a while as it all felt a bit unbelievable and 'white noise'. I felt like I guess whiplash would be like - thats why am glad my head was near the sofa, if i had been standing up, or near a wall, I think it would have been worse [v scary, it felt like my neck would have snapped - meladramatic? maybe, I've never been hit before, I don;t know how much damage a hand can do, more than i thought, thats for sure].

He sprang up and started pacing up and down, screaming some terrible things, like how everything was my fault, he would take away my son and make sure i'd never find him, and he was laughing as he said it, and it was just dreadful. It didn;'t feel real, and I was still foggy from being hit, but I thought I better say something like I imagine people should say, so I said I was calling the police and he just laughed at me, and mocked me. I couldn;t find the phone so i couldn;t do that anyway, and at that point i realised i didn't know this man in front of me, he wasn;t my dh, he was out of control and very very scary.

I just got myself between him and the bedroom where the baby was sleeping, I couldn't stop thinking that if he'd hit my baby like that he'd have killed him. It wasn't that he'd threatened ds safety, but that he was so much stronger than I ever imagined, and that I couldn't physically protect ds if I needed. I really wanted to run away and that makes my heart hurt cos how could I want to run away when I couldn't get to my baby? I still couldn;t see properly and it was hard to focus enough to hear what he was shouting.

Then finally he calmed down a bit and finally noticed I was holding my face and neck, and it was only then he realised he'd hurt me. You could see finger marks on my neck, and my cheek and jaw were red, so he had to notice that it was a hard hit. humm, not sure about that actually, i think he believes it was not that hard.

He tried to excuse himself and say he didn;t mean to, he did it before he even noticed, and I had been too much in his face and it was a knee jerk reaction - and to be honest I think thats true. However, that wasn;t a glancing blow, that was so so strong, I never knew he was that strong. he said he didn;t even try and hit me heard - like he didn;t believe it was that hard - i think he thinks I am making a fuss but he didn;t dare say so as he knew how that would sound.

I was trying to find the landline handset as my mob doesn;t work in the flat, and I couldn;t find it, and was screaming inside as I just wanted to have hold of it as I wasn;t sure what would happen next.

He was mocking me for being scared of him, I think he thought I wasn;t serious, as I don't think he really registered what hed done. I kept asking him to leave and he wouldn;t and he was jeering at me, and I really wanted to run away from him but I couldn;t because ds was in the next room and I didn;t think i could grab ds and go as I was scared to try and take him, and I didn't want to wake him and see this, oh God, ds can;t ever know the depths to which I have sunk.

Then he finally realised what he had done and I asked for his keys, and he said no for a while, then he said he had to pack, but I didn;t want to let him go near the bedroom, so insisted that he left and went for a walk until he'd cooled off. he left and I sat there holding the keys and the phone and I had no idea what to do, I didn't dare go into the bedroom to check on ds as I thought he would be able to feel what had happened coming off me in waves. And i was shaking, this is my dh, how can this have happened, and why was i so upset, it was only what he'd being doing to me inside, but on the outside, simpler in a way to deal with.

anyway, I put ice on my face, he came back and apologized, and he seemed horrified by himself, really really shocked at what he had done. also said he wouldn;t really take ds from me, that he just said that to hurt me, and that he thought thats what I was threatening him with

[he had asked me earlier whether I would try and stop him seeing ds, and I said that although in my view he had no right to see him as he wouldn;t be supporting him or contributing in any way, I am a nice person so I wouldn't stop him].

and then he fell asleep on the sofa like nothing happened.

I know he sleeps to block things out, but then I was left with no space to go, didn't know if I should feel safe or not, didn't know if I should sleep or not. Instinctively felt that ds was safe as husband seemed in his right mind again, but very shaken, should I believe my instincts or not. Not sure at all.

nothing should be the same again, except it seems like everything is the same.

That was 3 weeks ago, and I had a bruise after, which i pointed out a couple of times, and he said 'oh god, I will go and buy something to put on it'. except he never did, and hes never mentioned the whole thing again.

Its like it never happened, am starting to doubt myself that it ever happened. Its kind of doing my head in actually. Hes not even being really apologetic or acting nicer, but not worse either - really genuinely like he's wiped it out from his brain.

one final question - if i told the police, would they have to act on it, or could they just make some kind of record of it? would they have to tell him i'd spoken to them? Or could it just be a file somewhere gathering dust until and if I ever needed to use it as evidence?

I did not have physical abuse it was emotional, I made a statement, I took about a month to decide if I wanted them to go further with it or not, this was three years ago, things may be different now! He would not know until they were going to arrest him. I just did an anitharrassment warning on him, it is not visable on police checks, I don't know about physical stuff, maybe someone else will be able to help with that later.

I don't want to go into too much here re your other post, if your ex has mental health issues due to his past, has he seen the gp with regards to this? Also do you think the story he gave you when you first met was true?

I think ou canhave this attack (that's what it is, an attack)logged so the police know that you are in danger and respondfast if he does it again..
If he wakes up and starts again, dial 999 and the police will come and remove him. He doesn;t have the right to be in your house and he certainly doesn't have the right to assault you.

thanks, hope someone will come along who knows more about the police thing - basically I would consider it only if I need to as evidence, as there is another issue potentially about custody which is scaring the hell out of me.

and yes he does have mental health issues, and yes I do think the story he told me is true. It's such a horrible situation as he's not an intrinsically bad person, or at least he didn't used to be. He's a screwed up person who is not capable of helping himself. I suspect the reason he hit me is that I was pushing and pushing him mentally then combined with that getting in his personal space, and that triggered a post traumatic stress reaction [from being tortured in his home country].

He has seen a psychiatrist & counsellor privately, but only cos I persuaded him, and as soon as I wasn't there with him, he's go once more and then not again... I think he is too scared to address the problems he has, and has a big lack of self awareness and no ability to self commentate which makes any talking therapy impossible.

Don't worry, am not going down the route of excusing him, I know that he is still responsible for his own actions, and that he is making no effort to get himself better, and has become dramatically worse after the birth of ds. I used to see the cause of his behaviour as an excuse in my head for the way he is treating me. Since The night, I realise that is doesn't matter why he's doing it, the effect is the same as someone being evil for the pure enjoyment of it. It wasn't the hitting that made me realise this, its the threat of taking my baby.

[go to sleep woman, i'll regret this late night in 3 hours when ds wants to play]

OP, have you seen this post by pinemartina?

Angry & controlling partners often (almost always) tell you SS will take your children away if you make a fuss. It's absolute balderdash. All the social agencies, including the police, know about this pathetic ploy. Being continually put down erodes your confidence and even your ability to think straight. Angry & controlling partners rely on this to make you believe everyone outside the home is against you. That is, simply, a lie.

Please follow the advice people have given you. The posters who replied to you have been through this themselves. It is NOT normal; it is NOT YOUR FAULT; you will not be blamed, only helped.

Sweetheart, you really, really need to get the police involved. Take out a restraining order on him.

For your own good, and the good of your baby.

Everyone whinges about the failings of the social services but you will NOT be left alone and unable to cope. There is massive infrastructure in place to help you.

Please make the call now. You are in danger and your baby is in danger.

I don't usually post on these type of threads as so many more experienced and knowledgable people abound but one thing stands out. My dh was abused as a child, has chronic PTSD as a result, also has a history of bipolar and severe depression and has been very ill with this at times. But he has never belittled, hit, frightened or abused me or our dcs. Mental health problems are NOT an excuse for this sort of behaviour. Get yourself and your baby safe. Lots of good advice here already.

Here's a bit from the WA website about what the police do if you call them during an incident and what their priorities are.

This is from the same site:
'Each police force in the UK has its own website, though some are more informative and helpful than others. Some police websites give information about how they respond to domestic violence incidents, and may include copies of policy documents, and information on what you can expect if you report an incident to them. Some police forces now use a risk assessment tool to help them identify who is at greatest risk of further harm from their abuser. That means that they may ask you questions which may not seem directly related to this offence, but will help them decide the extent to which you may be at risk of further abuse. Some police forces now share information with other agencies (for example, health visitors or social workers) in order to help provide support and protection to women and children most at risk of further domestic violence. There are now national guidelines for police forces on investigating domestic violence: see ACPO guidance below.'

You can find the website of your local police here.

You need to go to your local station and ask if there's a domestic abuse officer available to talk with. At that point you can ask about what they do and tell them your fears. They have seen it all before -- 1300 dv calls are made every day in the UK. The safety of you and your baby are the most important duties the police have. Please go and have that talk.

You need to go to your GP and have your injury recorded, and get a case together for the disability help that's available. There is confidentiality between patient and doctor.

You must contact WA (keep on trying if their line is busy)

He cannot take your baby away from you.

You need all the help there is out there. If you can't do it for you then do it for the baby. Please don't think this man will improve or that things can get better. Too many lines have been crossed now.

I really feel that you just have to pack a bag and get out now. This could end up with a death of you and or your baby.

Address the fear - they CANNOT take your baby away only your sick husband. You are a wonderful Mother.

Just get you bag and baby and go somewhere safe now.

May i recommend your local priest house or vicarage. They will shelter you and then help you contact the police/ GP. I am praying for you as we speak. They give you tea and meals and let you just realx for as long as you want - they are trained for this.

A priest will shelter you in a very safe non judgemental way or usually recommend a lady in the parish who can do this. Remember babies in baskets on the floor or steps. They will pray for you and the whole parish will envelope you and care. Far better than a sterile police or other untit.

Some people are very damaged and that is very sad but you have to consider your sanity and your babies life. Poeple cannot help being evil but you can not help him now.

Just go and trust that you are being cared for as we speak.

How do I know well I have just spent the yesterday morning at my local Catholic Church
I am not a catholic. But I was facing issues and after ringing up all my friends it was the priest who came straight to my house within ten minutes. They have systems in place and will organise a lady to come and home too. They dont judge with in any way.

Pack that bag and baby and get there quick. Trust me please.

Everything will be fine - it will take a while. You are very loved and will be safe.
God bless you and keep you and baby safexxx

I totally agree with itsgrace. I've been in an abusive relationship. The abuser wants to completely control you with lies & threats. Go with your gut instinct & what you'd advise others. Its hard to focus on reality when your being controlled. Also, i dont think he should be anywhere near your baby. I really hope things get better for you & ds.

FGS, this bloke has really done a number on you hasn't he? He seemingly has held it together for the last 6 yrs, but the frustration at the slow pace is taking it's toll.

Be very wary of sob stories, I have heard them all and they can be maintained indefinitely if they go unchallenged. I lived in Egypt and literally everyone had a sad story they would tell you in minutes of meeting you. Each one more tragic than the next and all of them highly embellished. I personally would take whatever he tells you with a pinch of salt. He may be ffed up, but that most likely has little to do with what is going on with his country, and more to do with him being flawed in the first place.

You are worth SO much more, SO much better than him.

I have posted on your other thread on the other page, get help, call WA, call the CAB and know that in this situation, you literally hold all the cards.

Please call Women's Aid or the Police today. AT the very least call WA and tell them what you've said in your OP.

how did you get on speaking to outside agencies?

Double just wanted to echo what Grace said about social services. They WILL NOT take your DC away. My ex tried this one on me and I was really worried about it. However, when I told my HV about it, she laughed! She said it was absolutely textbook behaviour from an abusive man. The social worker who became involved due to a police incident said the same thing and was incredibly supportive of me. They will bend over backwards to help you if you kick this man out, especially if you tell them that part of your dependence on him is because you are not physically able to do everything yourself.

Your H may have convinced you that you are completely on your own but IT IS NOT TRUE. Just make one phonecall to WA and if you're ready they can get the ball rolling and you will be amazed at how much help and support you will receive. It may well be messy trying to sort everything out, but just having your feelings out there in the open and validated by other people will make you feel so much better than you do at the moment and give you the strength to do what ever is needed.

Good luck.

Call WA. keep talking here if you don't have anyone in Rl

There are lots of us here listening.

If you're anywhere in Derbyshire area let me know if there is ANYTHING I can do to help you practically or emotionally.

One step at a time

Police won't take any action unless you instruct them to do so, they will however keep it on file, as will your GP. I am near Chester, if that's near to you I will be happy to help in any war I can.

ok, so this morning am feeling pretty overwhelmed by all the posts, and strong reactions. But I do think it is helping me to process it a bit as well though.

In the cold light of day, i am not worried about him hurting ds, he loves him more than anything, and actually, I don;t think he'd hurt me again either.

I know that sounds stupid, as its the kind of thing someone would say in my position, but I really don't think he would, and also I guess, because I am not giving him the chance to, as I wont be getting into any arguments with him, as soon as anything gets heated, I will remove myself [and ds of course] from the situation.

People have talked alot of sense on here, i would normally go through and reply to each comment individually, but am feeling pretty frazzled today so i hope you'll excuse me not doing that.

I think I will speak to womens aid, but later today/ tomorrow when I gather up my strength again, has taken alot to post on here and i am running on empty now. for me, sharing does not make it better, it is freaking me out now.

I also have an appointment with my gp in 10 days, so will think about telling her then.

its getting confusing posting in different places, and I want to keep it under this name now, so I will post on this thread now and leave the other one.

"sharing does not make it better, it is freaking me out now"

Thats because its so hard to face what is going on and take action. In the cold light of day the temptation is to return to denial and hence no need to do anything.

I think you should take the advice being given and start the journey to a better life now while you can.

Sorry and good luck

Sorry sweetheart, but you are seriously lying to yourself if u think he won't hurt you again. Also are you prepared to live on eggshells for ever, trying to make sure you don't upset him 'just in case' You need to understand that you CAN have a happy safe fulfilling life, but to do that you need to free yourself from your current situation. He has trodden you down you have to reach deep within your soul and pull on every last ounce of strength you have and get away from this man, he is emotionally abusing you and I bet will also continue to physically abuse you too.

I thought I was taking the advice here, just a bit slower than the immediate panic :-(

I dont want to walk on egg shells with him forever, I just want to get into a position to not need anything from him and then distance myself as much as possible.

I do think its worth trying to get through this as nicely as possible, as if he thinks I am 'attacking' him in any way, he will make life unbearable. And I am terrified he would end up with my boy. My ds IS my life and the only thing that matters in the whole world, and I am just trying to do what's best for him, now and for the future.

I guess I am at the point where I am thinking having 2 parents who can coexist in his life vaguely politely is the best thing at the moment... but with me definitely as the main carer, as dh is not a good role model. This is already a huge step for me as 2 weeks ago was still hoping for a reconciliation...

I know as soon as people hear that he hit me its a automatic response of change locks/ get him out of life etc. and I do agree on one level, but also, I don't feel blame free in this situation, I really did get in his face and scream and push and push at him until he snapped. I am not defending him in any way, he shouldn't have snapped, but I guess what i am saying is that it was a pretty extreme situation, and very unlikely to happen again.

However, everything seems to change hour by hour, so maybe I'Il have a new idea later. This is all about me trying to work my way through it somehow.

there was a thread on here about someone's chicken killed by a walker's dog.

Someone, may have been the OP, said that once the dog had tasted blood, there was chance he'd get a taste for it and really go all out for more.

OK, I am not calling your H a dog, far from it, but I use this analogy as it was on here and recent. A dog has no agenda, part from to eat. Your H has an agenda to gain legality in this land and to control you.

Love, he has crossed a line, and there are no consequences at the moment. The next time he wants to make a point, it'll be so much easier to do it again, because it's been done before and he got away with it. I don't know where this character is from, but if he's from a society anywhere remotely close in distance or ideology to my egyptian 'H', then this treatment of women already IS part of their culture and rigorously defended by the men there as a right they have.

i don't know, its all so horrible. I am tempted to say no no, he is so shocked he knows what he did was terrible and he hates himself for it, but the truth is, i do not know that, thats me projecting.

I do know by the way that his family would be completely horrified and ashamed of what he has done - they would have been even before this happened, if they knew. I think he is deeply ashamed and disgusted by himself - but this doesn't seem to translate into pulling himself together, it translated into a maudlin defeated crap-ness - which is another reason why I feel i have to give up on him.

I think maybe he's really laying into me at the moment as he feels cornered, as he thinks I hold all the cards - i could tell his family what hes done, or tell people here, or stop him seeing ds, or stop his visa etc etc etc... cornered animal style attack...

i don't know really...

He absolutely would not get custody of your child

YOU DO HOLD ALL THE CARDS!

Sorry for shouting, but you do!!

He should be worshipping the very air you breath, not being an arse and shouting at you, hitting you etc!

Cool down, be calm, be icy calm and ask him why should you carry on, and leave it to him to answer. Not only by words but by deeds too!

the maudlin crapness is the puppy dog approach to get you to feel sorry for him, and to let him off the hook. A real sorry doesn't look like that!

Be wary of family reactions, they can and do say what they need to get their son a UK passport... cos it helps them too. Never forget that all of these people could very well have not YOUR best interests at heart, but their own.

If he were contrite, he would fully expect you to tell his family and wouldn't attack you further.... so he'll use this power play to hit you again?

What, I ask you Double, are you waiting for?