How often does your OH stay out at night because he wishes to have a drink

[namechanged3]

Hi everyone

I would like to know how often does the man in your life go out drinking and then stay out because he cannot drive home.

My DH called today from work saying that because of the very hectic and successful month they had that everyone at work will be going out for drinks. He then mentioned that he will be staying at one of the guy?s houses because he obviously cannot drive home.

I would not have had a problem and the only reason why I am posting is to get honest feedback to find out if this is normal. DH and I had massive problems a year ago; we ended up separating and all because of some drug abuse leading to erratic behaviour. He would then always end up calling last minute saying that he is going out straight after work and should be back the next day. But then turn up almost 3pm on his very few days off. He works every weekend, with an alternate Sunday off and it would always happen on the Sunday that he had an off day. It got to the point where I never knew what time he was coming home and we have an almost 3 year old who back then was at an age where she used to look forward to daddy coming home and him not coming. To cut a long story short we went through a lot and we came through smiling and our marriage is stronger than ever.

I am just worried that this might be the start of something and would rather nip it in the bud now then struggle a few months later because I do not think me or him would want to be back to that dark side of what our marriage was before.

I have no problem showing this thread to him in order for him to realise as a married guy with a toddler and another baby on the way it is just not the thing to do.

His colleagues are all young salesman. He is 30 years old and the few that are his age does not have the responsibilities that he's got.

Can someone please tell me if its okay to occasionally stay away from home because you want to drink. I do not drink have never in my life and therefore need to here from people that can tell me that I am being a bit harsh or that I am reasonable in my request to ask him not to stay out.

Many thanks

My DP never does this. He prefers to drive himself so just does not drink.
We're in an LDR so the situation has never really arisen but even if it did and even if he was using public transport he would never stay overnight elsewhere if I was at home and I would do the same for him.

Wish i could get mine to go out without me

I think asking whether this is normal is pointless given your history.

My DH never does this, and nor do I, but even if s thousand people come on saying it is normal for them, unless their spouse has a history of using the space created by staying out all night to indulge a drug habit, their normal is nothing like your normal.

Very recently your marriage nearly ended because he abused the very trust he's blithely assuming now.

He has very bad form in this area, so his use of the idea that he would "obviously" be staying out all night is weird. It should be obvious to him that this kind of arrangement is not one someone with his history can just make without coming to a new arrangement with the person who'll be looking after his child while he enjoys himself.

Ignore my post of 23 summat or other.

I have no clue as to the OP's history with her DH/DP

What skidoodly said. I felt bad about posting my 'normal' because it's not really the point, is it? If your partner steams ahead with something he knows you're uncomfortable with - showng no compassion for your discomfort and your reasons - then there's a problem. I don't recall your other thread, so I'll stick to this one. It seems to be saying your H put substance fun before family a while back, and is showing symtoms of doing the same again. Even if this night out's relatively innocent, you'd hope he would have more consideration for your worries.

Dh would either: only have a couple & leave early, get a taxi home, or I'd fetch him.

His days of staying out are long passed as he knows it is unfair on me to have to have the dds all the time, just cos he wants a drink. Unless it was pre planned & absolutely necessary, (i.e too far, big night etc) he wouldn't stay out.

DH doesn't drink, but will quite often be away overnight because of gigging in a band; I occasionally stay at a mate's after drinking, but generally prefer to get home if I can, unless there's a nice comfy hotel involved.

No problem for either of us if one of us does stay out, but still we'd both expect more notice than a call on the night.

OTOH, if one of us had 'previous' with drugs & this particular scenario (impromptu drinks with workmates leading to OH rolling in the following afternoon), then it'd be off-limits, I think.

It'd certainly be broached as a 'Do you mind if I...', not presented as a fait accompli.

& I think you've every right to tell him (tomorrow, when he's sober) that he can't take it for granted that he can do this.

Never.

If he goes out unexpectedly after work he doesn´t drink so that he can still drive home.

You have had good counsel already so will not repeat.

If your H has an "addictive personality" as well he may well be now in the process of looking for yet another substance to potentially abuse. Unless he actually fully addressed the root causes as to why he used drugs previously (was outside help sought by him) this type of scenario you had before could well happen again.

Ok, have not read the replies yet will do so in a minute. DH got here before 8am, seen to DD and she is still keeping him very busy as a very active 3 year old would. Normally on his day off I would entertain her in order for him to get a little lie in.

Will post my reply after reading all yours

my dh wouldn't dream of doing this - it would be a major deal in our house.

i think given your past experience, i'd also be worried. be on the lookout. but at least he came home early.

My dh likes a drink (or 10) and very occassionally stays out til 1am/2am but has not stayed out the night for years - probably since my ds was born 8 years ago.

Anyway it's not the point, the point is your dh's previous drug problems, his drinking, trust issues, the utter lack of respect he's showing you and not spending time with his dc.

Do you think he is having an affair... sorry to be thick but is that what you're asking?

Never happened. Not once in 16 years.
He would get a taxi. Mind you £40 is a lot to spend on a taxi.

I think the fact that you don't want him to stay out is more relevant. He should respect your feelings and come home. Even if that means leaving earlier and getting the last bus with the teenagers (my DH has done this many times).

To answer some of the questions

MadAboutQuavers - He does not behave like a single man in any other way. When we had problems he did and that is what made me kick him out because it felt like he wanted to be single, that me and DD was not his first priority.

But like most of you mentioned. It is his history that is making me worried. So yes maybe asking if its normal is not right because all of our partners are different and might have gone through different things in the past.

He is not a big drinker. In fact the main reason he gets drunk so easily is because he hardly drinks. I am not a drinker and he loves taking us places and drives everywhere. In the past my problem used to be the weed. I am not worried that he will start using again because for the first time now he behaves like a family man. Last night was a first but as I said in my original post before I confront him today I would like to know what is normal for people that does not have the history he's got and then to remind him that he has a history and therefore I am not okay about it

Atilla - Outside help was sought before we got back together and for a while after we got together.

Proudnglad Before we were separated he never showed me any respect and hardly spent proper time with DD. Now he does all the time. He cannot move without her when he is at home. He has one other day off in the week where we would normally do family things or like the past week he took her for the day down to Portsmouth to give me some time on my own and helping his mum and grandma. This coming Tuesday he has her the whole day again because he surprised me by booking me into a spa to get a well deserved mum-to-be treatment. And no I do not think he is having an affair. Not how he fought to have his family back and mainly I know where he is at all times. When he is not at work, his at home with us.