Tips on being assertive with ex.

[BertieBotts]

It's DS' birthday this week and XP cancelled seeing him this weekend again because his girlfriend and her DD have a bug. (Apparently. Either they all have the worst immune systems ever/their house is a health hazard, or he's lying, as this has been his excuse 2/3 of the time for the last 4-5 months)

So he texted saying he'll pop round with DS' present on his birthday. Now he might just intend to drop it off, but there's a possibility he's expecting to stay and spend some time with DS. I would be happy for him to take DS out for an hour or two but I really do not want him in the house at all. I've texted back saying "Not sure what we're doing on his bday, what time were you wanting to drop it off?" so hopefully if he did want to stay he will get the message. FWIW DS is 2 next week, it's not as if he's desperately going to miss his present until XP sees him at the weekend.

XP was emotionally abusive/manipulative when we were together and has already wrangled his way to knowing my address when the agreement was for him to pick DS up and drop him off at the end of the road where he couldn't see the house, he just started to park further and further up the road until one day he knocked on the door :( I really don't want this to happen again with this, I hate the fact he knows where I live enough. We moved here to get away from him, the thought of him being in my house makes me feel all panicky and out of control.

So just wondering if anyone has any advice, if he turns up on DS' birthday and expects to come in, what do I do/say? I'm probably overthinking this and it will be fine but I'm worrying about it. I'm quite assertive usually but just crap when it comes to dealing with XP.

I could not agree more that she should not creep around him, yuck...

It comes from keeping both parties happy and equal..

quick drama triangle Rescuer, Pesecutor, Rescuer... you can move around... so you get abused and to stop feeling like a victim you put your persecutor in the role of victim by calling in a mate to rescue and this excallates things.... or police to rescue they persecute the origional abuser and he becomes the victim, to feel better he thinks of new ways to persecute..

so example I rang police on ex, he was persecuted and then found new ways much worse to persecute me and the children...

I would have been better to have learned to handle him which I did it took me a very long time... now I don't need to be rescued and I don't persecute him, he finds me boring as there is no drama or little drama... hence that is good as no drama triangle... hope I am making sense this is TA....

I agree with Mummiehunnie. I've been in therapy about exP for a couple of months. It's really important not to get involved in any games. In terms of being assertive. I remind myself that there is nothing the man can do to hurt me. Okay, he can take away maintenance - I'll survive, he can stop contact my DS - I give him enough love for the both of us and ultimately if he decides not to see his son then there's nothing I can do about it. I spent many years fighting back and all it does is feed the beast. Also, and it's only my opinion, why waste your money on solicitors costs. You already have the control. As long as your intentions are for the best for your child and you're fair in your approach, there's not much else to be done. You are strong, you love your child and you want what's best. I hope it gets better soon.

Can you text him and ask - would you like to talk ds out for tea on his birthday or would you prefer to drop of his gift? Let me know what time to expect you either collect ds or dropping of the gift.

Answer the door wearing your shoes and with coats to hand (you and ds) so it is obvious you are going out - he either then has the choice to take ds out or handing over the gift and then you and ds go off swiftly out somewhere - cafe, tesco somewhere anywhere?

The point of it being is that you are making it clear that coming into your home is not an option.

Nothing says keep out like a chain.

Thanks everyone. I texted asking if he was dropping off the present or taking DS out and he said just dropping off the present. I also asked for a time and said that if he didn't give me a time we may not be in anyway. He said he'd let me know (which I have a feeling means he will leave it now until the weekend)

I don't see that I need to meet up with XP for DS' birthday. I have never stopped him from seeing him. I think it would be more awkward for DS to have to spend time in the company of both of us feeling hostile towards each other, I think that children pick up on things like that.

Well done, you've made your stand. Have a lovely time with your ds on his birthday.

Thanks Cargirl :)