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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Told dh to stop shouting at my dc for every little thing every 5 minutes and my 5 yr old said....

16 replies

springchik · 02/10/2010 20:04

Or rather shouted "You silly stupid mummy daddys are supposed to shout at their children its what daddys do!" :( and Shock
Enough said! He's currently out as he's in a mood with me as I am so annoyed with him (again) and he is therfore annoyed with me and thinks I was just "going on at him"!!!

OP posts:
maxpower · 02/10/2010 20:05

poor you. can your 5yr old articulate why s/he thinks that?

2rebecca · 02/10/2010 20:06

He probably just hates seeing his parents argue in front of him which is fair enough.
Arguments over disciplining children are best had when the children aren't there to present a united front.

Original poster
springchik · 02/10/2010 20:10

He just cant seem to speak to our children about anything they are doing without shouting at this. They are 2.10 and just turned 5. Sometimes its just because they are there and "getting under his feet"! :(

OP posts:
2rebecca · 02/10/2010 20:14

Fair enough talk to him about it, but not in front of the children, and make it a discussion not a lecture.
I think sometimes people can get into a reflex habit of moaning/ being negative. If you really want to change it it needs a long calm discussion not a 1 minute rant.

Original poster
springchik · 02/10/2010 20:29

O I've mentioned it soooo many times it makes no difference :(

OP posts:
HecateQueenOfWitches · 02/10/2010 20:32

I think it's really sad that your child is so used to being shouted at that s/he thinks that is what fathers are supposed to do.

Have you said that to him?

Does he call them silly or stupid btw?

QueenofWhatever · 02/10/2010 20:42

I think you might benefit from looking at the Women's Aid website and some of the domestic abuse threads on here.

This is not normal behaviour and damaging for your son.

Chocamochalatte · 02/10/2010 20:47

Oh god, Springchick I know exactly how you feel my DH is the same, and my DTs are 9, I do think he has got a little bettervas they have got older but not that much, and I can total understand why you say something in front of the children as I do the same, I feel DH 'goes on' at them far too much that I have to step in, not calling names ie stupid etc just ranting, moans about bloody everything.

Chocamochalatte · 02/10/2010 20:49

Queenofwhatever, I really don't think it's domestic abuse Hmm

PerArduaAdNauseum · 02/10/2010 20:51

Choca - you'd be surprised how often 'normal' behaviour isn't normal or healthy at all...

QueenofWhatever · 03/10/2010 11:17

The reason I suggested considering domestic abuse as an option is because of the second part of the post: 'He's currently out as he's in a mood with me as I am so annoyed with him (again) and he is therfore annoyed with me and thinks I was just "going on at him"!!!'

I annoyed him, again, going on at him. Their child has already normalised the fact that his Dad shouts at him. He is making her responsible for walking out in a mood (regularly?). It just doesn't sounds like this is the first time he's in a mood becasue she's annoyed at him.

Part of the reason I didn't expand on my earlier post was because I knew someone would come along and say this isn't abuse.

LittleMissHissyFit · 03/10/2010 13:00

Sad H is the same and wonders why i protect DS from him... I can't bear the parenting from the sidelines, not actually lifting a finger to help, yet all the time in the world to shout where everything is wrong....

Whether OP's situation is abuse or not is semantics, it's unpleasant and unhealthy for everyone.

giveitago · 03/10/2010 17:16

Ig I were to tell dh's family that he was going on way to much at our kids they'd drop to the floor in shock as they would think it was normal.

We have friends with kids and I find it very very difficult to be at their home as when their the dad constantly pushes and swipes at his two ds. And I'm talking when his ds 6 made a mistake in playing cards with my dh his dad sharply pulls his hair for being 'stupid'/ I find it shameful and awkward. His dw although she doesn't like it finds it normal.

He also gets her to do all the cooking and then comments the entire way through. Even my dh finds it difficult. But she'd never in a million years think of calling women's aid.

I don't like it at all but she and her family thinks it's unfortunate but not abusive.

Suppose it also depends what a person's expectations are.

overmydeadbody · 03/10/2010 17:24

Your poor kids.

Your DH is setting a great role model for them, tihnking it is ok to shout and be shouted at.

MrsRhettButler · 03/10/2010 17:47

i understand what you mean giveitago.... if we were to call womens aid going by advice on here then more than half the country would be needing their help!

i think i would be told that dp abuses me if i posted some of our arguements here but i know hes not abusive and the way we live is different to a lot of mums here

Lemonstartree · 03/10/2010 21:15

Since my H left home 8 weeks ago nobody shouts much in our house. We treat each other with respect ( me and 3 dc - 11, 8 and 5) H shouted all th time, about everything and nothing. It is not the only reason we will be divorcing, but the ongoing endless stress from his constant aggression was certainly a contributory factor.

Shouting endlessly at your kids is bullying isn't it, its taking out your frustrataion on people who are smaller than you and effectively defenceless. Horrible. and Often abusive IMHO, and a rubbish role model. poor you living like that

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