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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How do you make that decision?

23 replies

Uluru · 01/10/2010 21:08

After 4 years I'm starting to wonder if I still want to be in this relationship. We still have some great times and I definitely still love him but there are certain things about him that I'm thinking will never change and I don't know how much longer I can put up with it knowing that it's always going to be like this.

If I didn't still love him , or if there was violence or cheating then the decision would be easy but there's not. Just lots of little things that whilst insignificant on their own all add up.

But how do you decide if it's enough to go or if there's enough left to stay. He's my soulmate and the easy thing is to stay but I don't want to wake up in ten years and be in the same daily grind.

OP posts:

BelleDameSansMerci · 01/10/2010 21:11

For me it's the clincher of if he talks about getting married/having children/being together forever is that what I want? If it isn't then I think it's time to go...

hormonesnomore · 01/10/2010 21:15

I didn't have any doubts whatsoever about my relationship with my ex - it was unworkable. But I've heard that this book is very good.

robynjane · 01/10/2010 21:16

Don't think that the grass is always greener..all relationships have the daily grind and can seem intolerable at times but if you still respect him as a person and the love is there then you have a lot going for you.

It is very hard to find a special person who you want to be with..i've been in good and bad relationships but i wish i hadn't ended my 10yr marriage 4yrs ago. I didn't think i loved him anymore, was discontent and i picked at all the small things he did or the things we didn't have in common. I wish i knew then what i know now, but hindsight is a wonderful thing!

Wishing u well..

Original poster

Uluru · 01/10/2010 21:17

Too good to leave too bad to stay is exactly how I feel.

OP posts:

BertieBotts · 01/10/2010 21:24

It depends what those things are. You say there is no violence or cheating, but things like emotional abuse can be difficult to quantify and seem insignificant if one incident is described on it's own. As my friend said to me the other day - "What can I tell people? That I want to leave because he smashed a plate in the sink and played his music too loudly?" - there was way more to it in that situation, obviously, but most of it was everyday happenings that she didn't think to mention because they just seemed so normal to her by that point.

I am NOT saying he is emotionally abusive, BTW, there's no way I could know that from your post. But just thinking if you feel able to share the kinds of things which are bothering you, others might be able to offer their insight/experiences with that particular gripe.

joshuasmummy06 · 01/10/2010 21:38

Maybe try talking to him - it may be a lack of communication and if he knew what was bothering you maybe he could change it - I agree with robynjane the grass is not always greener as I have tried telling my hubby x

Original poster

Uluru · 01/10/2010 21:42

No, not emotionally abusive at all.

He's just incredibly lazy and immature about some things. I do literally everything about the house bar cooking which he sometimes helps with. It's not that he won't do stuff, if I give instructions he will. But he's 36, not a teenager and I'm not his mother. I naively thought I could train him, ha, but after 4 years I don't think he can change. It sounds so stupid written down. If I try and bring it up, he just feels sorry for himself that he's so useless.

OP posts:

WriterofDreams · 01/10/2010 21:59

Have you told him just how much his lack of contribution is grinding you down? It sounds to me like you're royally fed up, and of course that makes you want to leave, but I think if the other things are there - intimacy, enjoyment, laughter and respect - then it's worth putting all your effort into working this issue out once and for all. Do you think that's possible?

ItsGraceAgain · 01/10/2010 22:08

You will have to do all those things if you live on your own, anyway. So the first question is: will you feel better about doing them if he isn't around? If you can answer that, you've got the biggest part of it sorted.

If you decide you'd rather be slogging away with him on the sofa than with just yourself to please, the next question is how to get him to treat you more like his partner than his servant.

Aminata100 · 01/10/2010 22:13

Pulling all the weight in a relationship is so draining!!

Take a week's holiday - or go on strike! :o - and let him sort it all out himself, gives you the chance to think about it objectively too.

Is he seeing you as his mum?! 36 FFS!
But, are you enabling him?

Original poster

Uluru · 01/10/2010 22:17

He's very aware of how I feel but at the end of the day nothing changes.

I've tried and tried but at some point I've got to accept it as a lost cause and decide whether it's something I'm willing to put up with or not, because he's not going to change.

And I just don't know. Breaking up is hard, just from a practical point of view but then is it only inertia keeping the relationship together. If someone waved a magic wand so I could move out, divide things up would I take it? On the other hand, if I can't be bothered to move out etc. can it really be that bad?

OP posts:

Original poster

Uluru · 01/10/2010 22:23

I've gone on strike before, just means nothing is done!

He's more than capable, he's actually a great cook, much better than me. He knows how the washing machine works etc. but it just doesn't happen.

OP posts:

hormonesnomore · 02/10/2010 19:53

There are lots of threads on here about how to get your partner to contribute more to the practical aspects of living together.

You're not his mother, stop doing things for him?

You say he's your soulmate. I've never met mine and I think I'd hang on to him if I found him

hormonesnomore · 02/10/2010 19:58

Just a suggestion - write a list of good and bad things about your relationship. And the advantages and disadvatages of living apart. Are you making things too easy for him? How is he with intimacy?

Is he emotionally mature? Can he put himself in your place mentally?

Try to analyse your relationship from the outside looking in.

I never found Relate or couples counselling to be much good, but it may be an idea in your situation.

EricNorthmansMistress · 02/10/2010 20:09

In exactly your position OP but married with a DS. We are taking a break just now to reevaluate in a month when we move into our new house (great timing) but I really don't know. No advice, but I know where you're coming from exactly.

duvetcover · 02/10/2010 20:28

Hi Uluru

I am sorry to hear you are going though this. Just so you know, it's not uncommon for people (usually women) to feel this way. Sounds like you are constantly working to keep things going, and want your partner to act like he's really part of the relationship, not someone living in a hotel.

I am very close friends with a couple with a similar story. She loves him dearly but wants to clock him daily because he's not working with her as a team to get things done. When I talked to him about it, he knows there is a problem and that she's frustrated, but he doesn't know what he should do about it.

You say he's aware of how you feel but that he will never change. Is this because he doesn't know what to do to make things better ? Or does he know you're unhappy and doesn't care enough to do something about it?

The first one is fixable. The second one isn't.

Original poster

Uluru · 09/10/2010 08:13

Another week of ups and down.

He actually took a day off work to do some general stuff around the house so he is trying.

The thing is in this relationship there's always going to be a certain inequality. He has epilepsy, although v. infrequent, it means he can't drive so he's very dependent on me but I do wonder if that carries over into other parts of our lives.

OP posts:

Ewe · 09/10/2010 08:24

If the main problem is household stuff just get a cleaner. Even just once a fortnight to do the stuff that you really hate would take some of the pressure off.

Also try to accept that people are different, I am inherently messy, tidying things up is just not something that comes into my head. I have absolutely no problem when DP points out to me I need to do washing/load dishwasher etc. Will do very happily it just doesn't really enter my sphere of priorities unless pointed out very clearly to me.

Original poster

Uluru · 09/10/2010 08:45

I'm not a tidy person at all, I'd describe myself as inherently messy too (it's genetic ). I am however, very efficient at tidying once things start to get too bad.

I've been told the 'it just doesn't occur to me' thing too, which is fine, but it puts me in the position of being the nagging girlfriend which I hate. The big things are easier to ask him to do, it's all the little minute things which are easier to do yourself than to tell someone else to do, but when added up all together become a problem.

I'm not sure how a cleaner would help, not that it's something I can afford. I have memories of people telling me that they had to tidy up because the cleaner was coming. Cleaning's the easy part, it's the mess that's more difficult.

OP posts:

Over40 · 09/10/2010 08:50

As long as you haven't had a fit for 5 years (think that is the right period but you could check with the DVLA) then you CAN drive. My brother has had epilepsy since he was 18 (now 43) and yes for a period he couldn't drive either but in his late 20's they had it under control and he had the required fit free period to pass his test.
Don't let that be an excuse if it doesn't have to be.

On the cleaning front, I agree, get a cleaner but make him pay for it. Then you can be doing the cooking and shopping as your contribution. That was the only was I could get my lazy exH to contribute to keeping the house (we BOTH worked full time) without feeling massively resentful.
Best of luck!

Original poster

Uluru · 09/10/2010 09:06

It's actually only one year you need to be free of seizures for a year. He has seizures roughly once every 18 months, not that often that it really impacts on the rest of his life, but too often to be worth applying for a licence and learning to drive (he's had epilepsy since he was 14).

OP posts:

Doigthebountyeater · 09/10/2010 10:35

I'm guessing that he has grown up being used to having things done for him by his mum because of the epilepsy. My DS1 has epilepsy and it is very very hard (even with the best intentions) to allow him to take risks (eg be at the cooker) because of MY fear of him hurting himself. It is not good but easily done when you really love your child. Do you think this is what has happened?

Ewe · 09/10/2010 20:27

I have my cleaner tidy, clean, stick on a load of washing, iron and change all the beds. It makes everything manageable for the rest of the week so little bits become less of an issue. However if not an option, I understand.

What about a list? Each of you have daily chores/checks that need to be done? That might help in getting him to pay attention to little bits. Also, does he see you as nagging girlfriend? My DP nags me but in a nice way and I know I need it so it just becomes part of our dialogue, not an issue.

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