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Relationships

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Original poster

DH uncomfortable about sex after childbirth

9 replies

problemo · 01/10/2010 12:13

Namechanged for this. I had DC 10mo ago. DH attended the labour but stayed away from the business end.

I've had a pretty low libido during bfing, but now I've almost stopped and my periods have returned, its come back. We only had sex about once a month, if that, until recently. I wasn't asking for more and DH wasn't either. I thought he was being thoughtful by letting me set the agenda.

Now I am initiating sex though it has become apparent that DH is very uncomfortable about anything to do with my fanny. He will only indulge in mutual masturbation - no oral sex (for me) and no penetration. He finds it very difficult to talk about his emotions, but I have managed to get him to explain that its because he feels 'a bit wierd' about 'all those people rooting about in there'. My labour was complex and yes, about 10 different people had their hand up there. I can't get anymore out of him.

I've told him I can't stay in a sexless marriage, though only in such a way that he knows he needs to deal with it rather than me threatening to leave. I don't want to leave him. In fact, I want another DC with him. He wants another DC too. Quite how we're going to manage that if he won't fuck me, I'm not sure.

My question is, where do we go from here?

OP posts:

BorgQueen · 01/10/2010 12:25

Well if he will touch you then that's a start .
I think you just need to take things slowly and see how they progress, if you normally take him "all the way" so to speak, then stop and say that if he wants to finish then he needs to have full sex with you - is he worried that you will feel different to him when he's inside you?
The fear of doing something is always worse than the reality, is he also scared of hurting you?
If he just can't bring himself to do it then he needs specialist counselling, he won't be the only man who has reacted like this and there is help out there.

Original poster

problemo · 01/10/2010 14:56

BQ - thanks for responding. I do stop before I've taken him all the way and ask him to have full sex. He won't and just finishes the job himself.

I don't think he's worried that I'll feel different, he is perhaps a little scared of hurting me.

I think its more that he feels that its not his exclusive domain anymore. I wasn't a virgin when we met, so that's a bit daft.

OP posts:

Original poster

problemo · 01/10/2010 16:29

Anyone else?

OP posts:

WriterofDreams · 01/10/2010 17:11

While labour is definitely difficult for the mum, I think in some ways it can be just as difficult for the dad. While the mum is in the moment and busy so to speak the dad is stood there watching everything, taking everything in. I think for some men it can be quite traumatic.

I know if I had to watch my DH in pain for hours (even the expected pain of labour) I'd find it really difficult. If he's ever in real pain or very upset it makes me feel sick and horrible. Do you think your DH might be a bit traumatised by the birth? Perhaps he needs to talk to someone about it, if not to you then to a counsellor. He seems to have attached really negative feelings to your lady bits and he needs to work them out and get them out of his system.

You've already made it clear that this a big problem for you so now it's up to him to take control. I would suggest the counselling to him and make it clear that it is very important that he tries to take steps to resolve this.

Good luck with it all, it must be so frustrating.

Original poster

problemo · 01/10/2010 19:09

Thanks WoD - and yes, now I think about it he could be traumatised. He's very squeamish - he once fainted at the description of an operation. My labour started prematurely and unexpectedly and my abiding memory of being told I had gone into labour was my DH going absolutely whitefaced.

I can see him dismissing the idea of counselling though - so I would have to approach that very carefully.

OP posts:

anothermum92 · 01/10/2010 20:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

BeenBeta · 01/10/2010 20:30

Is it because he is frightened to make you pregnant again and put you through all that trauma again?

He doesnt know what it was really like for you and all he has is his perception as an observer - which by the sound of thing she reaated badly to.

You know how you feel. You know you are happy to have another baby. All he has is the guilt about the pain and distress of what he feels he put you through. Or at least thats my guess about how he feels.

I had a colleague who was literally ashen faced at the mere thought of his wife giving birth. He really did not want to be there and he was more or less forced into it and then there were complications at the birth. He described the horrifying feelings of midwives and doctors rushing in to the room and manhandling his wife. He described it as like being in a sort of detached dream like state watching from a distance. He was utterly traumatised. I am pretty sure it put a lot of strain on his marriage and he then went and did some pretty stupid things.

Do get to the bottom of it and I suggest ask him straight out how he feels about making you pregnant again. I think that is why he does not want penetrative sex.

TDaDa · 01/10/2010 23:13

I think you need to take the pressure off him...do sensual things like baths where you agree up front that there is to be no penetration but just petting, mutual message etc. ...just agreeing that you will not end the evening having sex could be a real driver but you must be prepared not to get frustrated if that is the way it ends up.

deepheat · 07/10/2010 12:39

To give a bloke perspective my wife had a pretty straightforward labour - I tried to help at both ends and didn't really feel too odd or distraught about it at the time. However, when she was ready for sex again I really did struggle. Took over 12 months before I could actually finish inside her. Would like to be able to explain why that was but afraid I can't.

Seems like your fella is having a more dramatic response and that there are some pretty rational reasons for this. Can I suggest that you don't insist he finishes inside you after a mutual wank? I have a hunch that, a) he'd probably love to have proper sex with you again, and b) he feels a bit gutted, a bit humiliated, and a bit of a let-down. Witholding services won't help this. The fact that you're able to still be intimate is a great starting point. Maybe chat to him before you start having some kind of sex about how you'd like it to go (could be sexy in itself) but make it clear that you want him to feel comfortable? There's always the counselling services as well if he's that kind of bloke.

Good luck.

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