Hospital visits for ds1, how do i cope with X !!!!

[ForestFly]

Wondering if anyone has ever been in this position, my two year old has check ups for his heart every four months. Last time he got admitted for an operation while his father and i sat by his bed for a week. We have now seperated and consequently i have stopped speaking to him (apart from occasional abuse!) Ds1,s next appointment is in two weeks and while it isnt my main concern i dont know how im going to handle sitting with his father, especially if he is admitted again. X was wonderfull last time and son really needs him, but the stress will be immense, and i will have to look at the pig! I will probably also feel that we need to be back together. I realise its not about me and him , we need to be strong for our son, just getting very nervous! Any advice!!!

[wickedstepmother]

This might sound harsh but at the end of the day Forest your son needs both his parents, regardless of how much they dislike each other. To be honest I don't think your ex and his shitty ways will be the first thing on your mind when your little man is undergoing surgery.

I can appreciate that it is going to be hard for you for many, many reasons but I honestly think you should just bite the bullet and try to be 'the bigger parent' here. Your son is your main concern, not your ratbag ex. I am not for one second suggesting that you sit and have cosy chats with him but I do think it'll make things easier on your little 'un if your relationship with his Dad is as friendly as it can be, at least when the 3 of you are together.

[ForestFly]

Its not harsh WSM, its kind of what i know anyway. Just know ill cry and want a hug, hate having to be strong all the time! Hopefully i'll leave any emotion till i get home, its hard when you still love someone. But of course my boy is the main concern and i will be strong for him

[fio2]

Forestfly my sister had health problems and my mum and dad got divorced. My mum used to hate him at her appointment but just used to have to bite her tongue whilst they were together. I suppose they just used to have to put a united front for my sisters sake. It is a very difficult situation for you to be in and I sympathise

[ForestFly]

Do you know how your sister feels about it now? Does she wish they didn't pretend for her sake, or is she glad they were both there together for her? Im just thinking maybe X should visit for a couple of hours while im having a coffee. Want the least damaging effect on us all. Sorry i sound so selfish thinking about how ill feel just dont think i can handle it.

[wickedstepmother]

Forest, I think that idea is great. It'll certainly help relieve the stress on you. That way when you get back from coffee or whatever you could put on the 'united front' for 10 mins or so for your son and then ex can go home ? Sounds fair enough to me.

Do you have a parent or a close friend who could perhaps come with you for the hugs/shoulder to cry on element ? I know that there are fairly strict rules regarding number of visitors per patient but could something like that be worked out for you ?

[fio2]

Unfortunately my sister has since died, but when she was alive she did used to appreciate them both being there. She used to get very upset if my father didnt used to go, which on some occasions he did not. My sisters porblems were severe , she had cystic fibrosis and eventually needed a heart and lung transplant so I am sure my parents maybe had to try harder to be united than they would have liked. I dont know what to say really I dont know the extent of your sons problems and I dont know if it will be too difficult to have your ex their. I know if I was in the same position I most probably wouldnt be able to stand my ex there either. How old is your son? Would he notice if his dad wasnt there? The other thing was with my dad, ironically, when him and my mum were together he never made the effort to go to appointments my gran used to go with my mum instead. Then all of a sudden when they were divorced he wanted to make the effort. Sorry I dont know whether this is going to be much help. It is a very awkward position to be in.

[ForestFly]

Im sorry to hear your sister died, this situation must have been really hard for you , so i hope everything is alright at the moment aswell! Ds is two, he has holes in his heart, a leaky valve and another loose valve. It all depends on how he grows thats why he has to be monitored so regularly. They cant tell you anything until the appointments when they check how he is developing. Last time things had got worse so he needed surgery, but he may not this time, 70% he will they say, but who knows!!? As for his father he was my best friend so i just feel extremely confused and betrayed. Thanks for sharing your story with me though and i wish you well!

[lisalisa]

Message withdrawn

[fio2]

I think lisalisas idea is very good, then your son gets the best of both worlds and it is less emotional for you. Forestfly you have just made me laugh on another thread

[Jaybee]

Will you be staying at the hospital with ds overnight etc. If so, I am sure you will appreciate a trip out of the hospital for some food supplies or a shower or whatever, maybe you could arrange with your x that you cover between you but with limited time together - the hardest time will, of course, be during the operation, when, naturally, you both will want to be there. Again, you do not have to sit together and it may be worth you taking some reading material, maybe a favourite book that you can read again or some mags - that will give you something else to concentrate on and may prevent aukward silences. Hope all goes well for his appointment.

[Jaybee]

Sorry lisalisa - posts crossed - both agree though.

[ForestFly]

WSM,Yes ive got parents who could come but they really stress me out, my mum just prays, cries and takes over!!!! But i will get friends to visit, and as for me and IT we would get put up in the hospital ( how cosy!)

[wickedstepmother]

Oh dear, perhaps parents was a bit of a crappy suggestion !

Make sure that the hospital know the situation between you and ex (ie separated but things are still v acrimonious). I'm sure that they have dealt with this situation many times and perhaps they could help you out with suggestions as to what the other parents have done about it ?

[ForestFly]

I will appreciate a trip out of the hospital for some vodka

[ForestFly]

Thanks thats a really good idea about asking the Hospital i'll do that. Acrimonoius!!!! well i suppose i can pretend

[wickedstepmother]

[wickedstepmother]

Not sure you can say 'Totally shit' to a nurse Forest, thought acrimonious sounded a bit better !

[ForestFly]

Fio2 what thread, maybe i was drunk

[fio2]

no asking that poor girl if her dad would have to go to prison Sorry maybe I have a weird sense of humour...little things

[wickedstepmother]

Perhaps you could try the 'Keep him away from me or I'll punch the w*er' approach with the nurses !

[ForestFly]

I was thinking more along the lines of "my darling x will donate any organs the hospital need, especially his smallest one"

[ForestFly]

:0 Fio2

[ForestFly]

Fio2

[wickedstepmother]

Ahh, but is that his brain or his y'know ?

[ForestFly]

Same thing sweetie