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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH is trying to make me move abroad...

123 replies

Flisser · 30/09/2010 22:17

I'll try to keep it short but I desperately need advice. DH and I ave 2 DC's aged 6 and 2.6

DH is Australian and when we first met I made a point of telling him that I would never be happy living abroad as I hate the heat and love my large extended family...as well as my country.

He accepted this and said he lived the UK and wanted to persue his career here. Fast forward and we get married and have DC 1....he loses his job and when DC is 2 months old DH persuedes me to "Give Oz a try"....so I do...we take DC 1 to Oz...I ma in a bad way with depression and the after effects of an emergency c section. I spend 1 year of hell in Oz while DH goes out with his mates and generally regresses...he hardly worked and we had hardly any cash.

We return to the UK and he gets a crappy job and makes no effort to try for a better one...meanwhile I work on my own career and now am self employed and earning a respectable (not massive) amount of cash by working in the evenings at home.

I get pregnant with DC 2 and DH gets addicted to online gambling...we row terribly, he loses his job as he is up all night gambling and borrows masses of cash from his family in Oz....then last year he wins a few grand and uses it to visit Oz alone...for 2 months....he returns and informs me he has a good job offer from a family friend and wants to go back there and work. I say I am not happy about it and he tries to persuede me to go to..I am reluctant and DC 1 is now happy in her school and I have trouble trusting my DH due to the awful rows we had... He goes anyway.

Its 7 months before we see him again...he calls and skypes every day whilst he is away and puts lots of cash in my account...covers rent and bills etc.

He is now trying to make me pack up my life here and join him...he says it would be for 18 months whilst he saves and works....and then he will buy a house in UK and come back here to live...even though he doesn't want to.

I dont want to go. I have tried and tried to see it positively but I can't. I can only see the disruption to DCs education...the mess of packing out rental house up...the heat..the missing my family and I have the fear he wont want to return after all that.

Tonight I told him I had changed my mind and didn't want to go and he swore at me and told me to tell the kids he's dead...as he is so devestated I won't go. He said if I dont go then it is over anyway and he'll kill himself.

We have had this a lot of times since he went the first time..I should add he came back for 6 weeks in summer and all was rosy between us....had a great time...the kids miss him and I am angry he went in the first place when I was against it...I feel he is blackmailing me...and he also throws the money thing in my face...about how he has given me loads of money. I am so upset right now

Other than missing having a Dad about our kids are happy, well adjusted and DC 1 is doing very well at school...I feel sad...not sure where to go from here.

OP posts:
Original poster
Flisser · 30/09/2010 23:22

Colditz....well...fuck me. I must say... I am naive as a freshly laid egg. Arses. Feel like swearing a lot now.

OP posts:
MissDolittle · 30/09/2010 23:22

You on the other hand will be on a 3 month visa so you can be deported without your dcs.

Original poster
Flisser · 30/09/2010 23:23

Skidoodly...it's only because the kids love him and miss him....it's only me trying to do whats right by them...I cant imagine hem not having a Dad.

OP posts:
Katisha · 30/09/2010 23:24

How committed is HE to doing what's right for the kids though? Not very considering the behaviours exhibited so far...

Original poster
Flisser · 30/09/2010 23:24

No! MissDolittle...really? Could they kick me out?

OP posts:
MissDolittle · 30/09/2010 23:25

to be harsh fair, they will probably miss you more.

PotPourri · 30/09/2010 23:26

They'll still have a dad, just one that visits now and again.

They will also have a strong, confident mum, and a loving extended family who you know can be relied on.

You need time to think - you should not be talking to him any more tonight imo

You are trying to do the best for your kids - that needs some time and thought - you can't even get space to think as he keeps browbeating you!

Hugs, it sounds such a horrible situation.

skidoodly · 30/09/2010 23:26

He's their Dad, so it's his responsibility to make sure they have a Dad, not yours.

Think of what you're saying - that he can move anywhere, do whatever he chooses, but you must always follow him to make sure they "have a Dad"

HE left. You and the children are right where you were when he decided to go to Australia.

The only person who's depriving these children of a father is their father.

Tortington · 30/09/2010 23:27

what colditz said. i couldn't put it better

hes a nob

PotPourri · 30/09/2010 23:27

Yes - what skidoodly said about who is responsible for ensuring they have a dad

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 30/09/2010 23:28

Flisser I think if you remained married then you could stay, although I'm not sure so someone correct me on that.

But things don't sound that great between you two, and if you did separate then you would have no right to stay in Australia but your DH would have the right to prevent you from taking your children out of the country with you.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 30/09/2010 23:29

Skidoodly - spot on about it being his responsibility to ensure his DCs have a Dad.

He is a twat, and clearly doesn't give a shit about his children otherwise he wouldn't keep buggering off.

MissDolittle · 30/09/2010 23:32

they can kick you out if you are on a tourist visa rather than spousal. Your DH can apply for a permenant visa for you as a spouse of a citizen. I'm not sure what happens if you split or if your DH simply doesn't sponsor you. Your children are automatically entitled to citizenship. My friend got kicked out of the USA when her ds was 18 months old, he is 13 now and she gets him for 4 weeks every summer.

Its not your responsibility to provide a father at any cost.

taintedpaint · 30/09/2010 23:34

I can't contribute any further than anyone else has tbh, but just to say I'll be thinking of you Flisser, and hoping you get some decent sleep tonight! You've had some fantastic advice, I really hope you figure all this out.

mamas12 · 30/09/2010 23:34

Flisser I hope you are not communicating with him anymore tonight.
You need to think without the harrassement.
You need to research some of the things that have been said on this thread, they sound mighty scary.

Also echo the thinking that he is the one that needs to be the father.

PotPourri · 30/09/2010 23:38

doolittle - OMG Shock!!!!!!
That is TERRIBLE!

mathanxiety · 30/09/2010 23:56

'He said if I dont go then it is over anyway and he'll kill himself. '

This is outrageous. He doesn't care at all about the children if he would seriously think of doing this. Selfish, selfish, selfish. And if he is not seriously thinking of topping himself, he doesn't care about you either.

Turn off your phone and then run over it with your car. Then get a new one and don't give him the number.

He's done you the great favour of packing his own bags and leaving for the other side of the world, so you don't even have to kick him out. You are, meanwhile, at home with your family and friends nearby, and your children in your custody. Get a residential order asap.

Original poster
Flisser · 30/09/2010 23:58

He just called....shouting etc....but e does seem to be accepting I wont go...I told him we would go for 4 weeks at Christmas and after another row he relented and said he could stay on for 12 months and save enough for a deposit....if we scrimp...I jsut cant go...my instincts tell my that older DC wouldn't adjust well...and school is fine right now.

DH seems to think UK is shit...well heads up DH the area of z you're from is SHIT!

Its a weird backwater...lot's of racism (not him though) and lots of sexism...its like England in the 70s!

I can't live in a place where the local Aboriginals are treated like frigging dirt...an where women act differently when there are no men around. It' hard to describe...I know it's not the whole of Oz...but it's such a vast place that some if it is like the land that stood still!

Ging to bed now...thanks everyone...you have all given me a lot of strength. I will come bac and updats toorrow as have feeling he will be back to hassling me again.

OP posts:
freefruit · 01/10/2010 00:01

what a terrible situation
good luck with your decision I agree you seriously need time and space to think this through!

Mumi · 01/10/2010 00:41

"I know Katisha...so what do I DO? Just sit and refuse some more? Do I go at hristmas for 4 weeks?"

Why do anything, let alone subjecting yourself to 4 weeks on the other side of the world with this bully?

Please don't say "for the kids" because you won't be doing them or yourself many favours taking them to see a dad who can't be arsed to come to them.

chandra · 01/10/2010 00:54

I have only read the OP so apologies if this has been said or the thread has moved into other directions...

Well, If he is going to kill himself... I would rather be with my family in my country when that happens that alone in another country I don't like.

What comes next? you move to Australia and he starts with "if you move back to your country I will kill myself" or even worse, "if you go back I will keep the children here" (Although the former is a remote possibility, the latter is highly likely a certainity if you split. It is almost impossible to move children to another country after a split, you may end up being forced to stay there even if you don't want to.

Do NOT go.

chandra · 01/10/2010 01:01

BTW Flisser, I have learned this the hard way... I came here because the man who loved me and I loved told me it was for 6 months only... It is more than a decade since then and I wouldn't be able to move back to my country now unless I was prepared to leave DS behind. It is not going to happen.

SonicMiddleAge · 01/10/2010 01:19

Not only could it be difficult for you to move the kids back to the uk, but for you to move out to Aus, your husband has to sponsor you for a spouse visa, this gives you TEMPORARY RESIDENCY NOT PERMANENT RESIDENCY for 2 years, after which IF the marriage is still intact you get PR. If not your visa expires, and you may find it difficult to stay in Australia yourself. The scope for him to abuse that situation is overwhelming.
(Sometimes they waive the temporary residency bit, but they don't have to, and given you and dh have not been living together for some time, I find it highly unlikely you would be given PR from the off)

blinks · 01/10/2010 01:44

this is very like the ipom story, no?

savoycabbage · 01/10/2010 01:57

My dh did force me to live in Australia! I have been here for nearly two years.

My dh took a job in melbourne without me knowing. I had to decide if I should stay or go with him.

Even as I write this it sounds ridiculous.

His 'argument' was that he had lived in the UK for six years and he was sick of it. The recession was in full swing whilst Australia was booming.

I really was between a rock and a hard place. Too other people, the decision looked so easy. Stay in the UK with my family and friends and start again. But of course it is not that simple. I love my dh and he loves me and I think that in his case he was desperate. The thought of bringing up my children on my own and their dad being 12000 miles away was overwhelming.

Like you say they can't see him at weekends. All this flying them over for a couple of months a year in unrealistic in reality. I will have been here two years almost to the day before I go home for a visit.

I thought that I would be going over all of the time. I tried to go by myself when my sister had a baby but when it came to it found that I couldn't leave my dc for weeks at a time.

As far as I know, your children are not automatically Australian just because their father is. We had to apply for ours to get a certifcate and then use that to get an Australian passport.

I am not saying you should come AT ALL. It sounds like there are other problems in your relationship that I did not have. I just wanted to tell you that I know it is not as easy as people think it is.