should i go it alone?

[mommie]

Our house sale fell through (i had enormous doubts about the property we were moving to) and we are stuck in dp's v.grotty flat which he now refuses to sell until we have more money for the sort of grand house he envisages (we will never have more money. we both work full time) I can't bear it, it is so grotty here, and am wondering whether to go it alone. It will be a hell of a financial struggle, but this way of living is making me so miserable. dp is step father to my lovely dd, so no real custody issues tho' i am sure he is v fond of her. what shall i do? there's go to be something better than this.

it all depends on whether you are getting on or not.
If you are not happy in the relationship, even if it would be a financial struggle, I'd say you should go for it.

kid, we are happy sometimes but the whole property issue rears its head and then we argue badly. it's just so grim going to see friends who live in nice places (not grand, just nice) and coming back to such a grotty place. it is so small and horrid and all my stuff is in storage still. we never have people round cos we are a bit embarrassed about it, but i think we need somewhere fresh

I think you need to sit him down and tell him you are seriously considering leaving as you can't stand to live in such a place.

Just because others might have nice places, doesn't mean they are happy though. Even if they appear happy on the surface.

you are right re other people's places,tho I saw a friend's house today and it was SO lovely and i came back here and wanted to cry. And she doesn't work (not even part time). There is something about getting older and living shabbily that is really depressing. I thought i would have a nice little house like my parents by now.

mommie, how old are you?

41

What is so bad about your flat? I do understand what it's like to be embarrassed about where you live. I'm 39 and have really only now moved into a house that I should eventually feel okay with. Having said that it's undoubtedly the shabbiest and dirtiest house in the street and it will take us years to make it comfortable because no-one has done anything to it for at least 30 years which was why we could afford it. I also have at least one other friend who is ashamed of her house and I remember that she looked extremely relieved when I said I couldn't come in the first time I called to drop something by for her. I think that homes are important to us not so much as a status symbol but because we see them as a reflection of ourselves. I think that your friends will not care where you live if they genuinely like you but you do need to explain to your dp how much this is affecting you.

hi mum2c, tks for your msg. i know friends shouldn't judge me on this flat, but they would be so surprised about the way i live. i make such an effort to turn up smartly dressed to work etc. if they saw this place, they would think i had really poor standards - what's wrong with it? bookshelves falling down, wallpaper peeling off, bathroom carpet is appalling, windows cracked, floorboards hideous/dirty. I think turning it round would be a waste of our time (and my money) and want to leave that hassle to first time buyers or a property investment company and invest in something new. Also, since i work full time with a young daughter i just don't have the 'spare capacity' to be an Ann Maurice off House Doctor. Am knackered

I have to admit that I was surprised when I saw my frineds home as it was not at all what I would have expected for someone with her education and career but it hasn't made any difference to our friendship. Could you and dp afford to remortgage this flat to buy another one (you usually have to leave about 20% of the current value in the flat). You could then let this one.

By the way, you flat sounds a lot like my house.

............and I could see that my work colleagues were really surprised when they saw where I lived when they came to visit me after I had my baby.

i'm sure we could "out-shabby" you . will mention remortgaging to dp. Don't want dd to be ashamed when she starts making friends at nursery. She deserves so much better than that.

It's got to be worth sitting him down and letting him know how upset you are. It may be that he just doesn't realise how important this is to you and thinks he is being practical in staying put for the time being. Let us know how you get on.

you are absolutely right by the way about properties being a reflection of ourselves. and my mum (never a wealthy woman) is so house proud. I see her now and feel like i am in the Ritz. She has made her little house perfect and she is 73!

ps; sure, will let you know how i get on. now is not the moment to wade in, post-football disaster all the best with your housing project.