Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Consistency? Anyone??

15 replies

BarmyArmy · 30/09/2010 16:22

How is it possible to console one woman on here whose husband has had an "emotional affair" (i.e textual relationship) and to insult her husband as being all things under the sun...whilst also supporting another woman who confesses to such a relationship herself?

Is this not rank hypocrisy?

Either this sort of relationship is wrong or it isn't?

Or am I being wholly naive in trying to introduce logic into such matters?

OP posts:
newwave · 30/09/2010 16:32

Barmy, you are.

There are a few men bashers/haters on here. Woman to be supported and/or sympathised with, men to be castigated for the same "sin".

Lots of double standards and overeaction.

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 30/09/2010 16:37

The relationship may be wrong, but isn't it a case of hating the sin but loving the sinner?

[atheist here, btw]

Original poster
BarmyArmy · 30/09/2010 16:40

newwave - thank you for your response.

Aren't such contributions - once one has spotted that they are wholly inconsistent - completely worthless?

OldLadyKnowsNothing - perhaps...but surely that attitude shoudl apply in both cases? i.e. both man and woman should be loved in equal measure?

OP posts:
newwave · 30/09/2010 16:45

Barmy

I will get flamed here but some of the overeaction is ridiculous:

"My DH glared at me this morning" the reaction is sometimes:

That is abuse, throw him out, go to the CAB, get a divorce. way ott

This is not to denigrate those who have suffered unbelievable abuse from there partners and need support.

Ragwort · 30/09/2010 16:51

Agree with you Barmy, tend to avoid relationship threads now .......... can't believe some of the comments and overreaction I read about.

AMumInScotland · 30/09/2010 16:54

Is it the same person saying its terrible in one case, and fine in the other? If so, then yes I agree about double standards. However, if its different posters I don't see the issue - in both cases they are being supportive of the person whose side of the story they are being given - maybe not that discerning of them, but posters are often sympathetic to what they are hearing, instead of applying the same absolute logic to all cases.

Original poster
BarmyArmy · 30/09/2010 16:55

Yes, it is the same person.

OP posts:
nbyet · 30/09/2010 17:00

That's life I'm afraid. Of course the advice given on here is always going to be skewed to a point, in that you only ever hear one side of the story. Just the same as in real life. If in RL one of your friends came to you in tears about her husband having an affair, you (as in one) would probably join her in calling him all names under the sun. If the same friend came up to you and confessed to having had an affair herself, you would probably give her constructive advice as to how to resolve the situation, and not sit there calling her all names under the sun. I think this is just the way the world works. It's not necessarily right, it just is.

AMumInScotland · 30/09/2010 17:00

Well, unless there's something very different between the two cases then you're right it sounds daft - but lots of people just aren't that logical about their responses to things, much more emotional, and will always side with the woman as it must somehow be the man's fault. OTOH there are also plenty of people who would always blame the woman, as we are meant to be "better than that" so are more at fault!

I just hide the whole relationships topic when I find it getting too much!

Original poster
BarmyArmy · 30/09/2010 17:06

nybet - hmm, I see what you're saying but, if one doesn't verbally flay the miscreant alive in the first place, one doesn't have to display such hypocrisy in the other example.

I wouldn't call anyone all the names under the sun for having an affair. There's something very 1984-ish about the tendency of some people on here to love the drama and excitement of other people's tragic lives.

Almost as though they have a need to hate.

OP posts:
nbyet · 30/09/2010 17:18

To a certain extent, I think we often just say what the concerned person just wants to hear.

Eg Mrs X comes on MN terribly upset just having found out that her husband has been having an affair. The natural instinct is to sympathise with her, and agree when she says he was totally out of order. She does NOT, at this point, want to hear anything positive about him - how well he handled telling her the truth, or how there may be some deep lying problems in the relationship that may have lead him to be unfaithful.

Mrs Y then comes on racked with guilt and self-hatred for having had an affair. She DOES need help to understand why she did it, and may need a bit of encouragement such as 'oh well, you made a terrible mistake but you have been brave to tell him and you are trying your best now to make amends'.

I think what I am trying to say is that there are times in our lives when there are things we NEED to hear, and things we DON'T need to hear.

Going back to my previous point by the way, about RL friends, if one of my friends was having an affair, I may be non-judgemental and supportive to her face, but behind closed doors I may find myself thinking 'how stupid of her to do that, I can't believe the way she has acted' etc etc. Again, I think that's just life.

loves2walk · 30/09/2010 17:27

I think usually on here when a woman confesses an affair the support she gets is to help her deal with the aftermath in a compassionate, honest way. Not to support her for having the affair. That is non-judgemental support. I have given that type of support to women on here. Doesn't mean I agree with what they did but I emphathize with their
distress.

We don't see the distress of the man who has been unfaithful and sometimes it feels like there isnt much distress on his part so that's when he starts attracting derision.

overmydeadbody · 30/09/2010 17:38

I think it is a case of supporting the person who posts to be supported, whether it is because they are the victim of a partner having an emotional affair, or because they have fallen into one themselves and feel bad.

Sometimes there is hypocrycy with some man haters posting vtriol, but at the end of the day, if someone comes here for support, they should be able to get it.

I have yet to see a poster boasting about an affair (real or emotional) and getting suport from MNers, regardless of sex.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 30/09/2010 18:28

Assuming you're not a name-changer BA, if you'd been around here long enough, you would know that the poster you are quite transparently attacking, has been entirely consistent in remonstrating with females who make excuses for their infidelity.

Likewise, I have seen her offer support to men who are geuinely horrified and remorseful about their infidelity.

The thread you refer to about the female poster's emotional infidelity has a back story which, since the OP has name-changed, you cannot verify. You therefore wouldn't be able to read what posters had to say on earlier threads, about the emotional affair being deceitful and wrong.

While I agree that there are some posters on here who have an incredible blind-spot to awful female behaviour, the person you are attacking isn't one of them.

ScaredOfCows · 30/09/2010 19:09

Thread about a thread? Slagging off another posted in an underhand way? Tsk Tsk.

Is it because you are not being fed enough on the other thread? Or just not annoyed enough people yet today?

New posts on this thread. Refresh page