Backward in coming forward..?

[JLsmum]

I am just wondering if anyone out there experiences the same thing as me with regard to friendships. I seem to have met so many potential friends over the last few years, but I seem to ruin it somewhere along the line. I've noticed the same thing occurring with a number of people now, and that is a) we meet and they show an interest in befriending me b) the other person suggests that we get in contact & do something together c) I delay getting in touch with that person due to a degree of shyness (on my part) and wondering how/if the friendship will work out, and then d) the other person ends up withdrawing or not trying to stay in contact with me anymore, probably because no real effort has been made in getting to know each other.

I don't know why this happens. I am also not competitive at all with regard to friends - what I mean is that a couple of times I have been part of a three-way friendship and when I sense that the other two may be getting closer to each other, I back right off and don't even try to 'compete' or keep the friendship going. I do have some close friends that I've known for years and have good relationships with them, but wish I could be more confident in making new ones... I could kick myself when I think of all the opportunities I've had to develop new friendships, but I'm sure I end up looking as though I'm either aloof or not all that interested - when I AM, but I'm just not a very 'forward' person. Have lost a couple of people I really liked through probably not showing enough interest, when it's really just the fact that I'm a bit too insecure to just be 'myself' and let the friendship develop. Don't know if anyone understands what I'm rambling on about, but it's really starting to get to me... can anyone relate to this at all?

HI JLsmum -- you're also up at this obscene hour??? :-)

I have "group" issues, maybe not as bad as you, or maybe worse. If 2 (or more) other people seem like they are cozy friends I feel very insecure, don't know what my status is with them. Can be hard to be friendly, makes me stand-offish. Is that how you feel?

Getting burnt in friendships is so awful. I'm becoming more like you & less sociable than I used to be (for better or worse).

I can relate to it too! I'm cr*p at making friends. This seems to be compounded by the fact that a lot of my past friends have moved away and "abandoned me" (IYSWIM!). I can struggle to maintain friendships because I don't want to appear too keen and scare them off. Sometimes it just seems much easier not to bother doesn't it?

I feel the same too. I live in atown about 15miles from where I was born. I have lived here for 7 years but it is only in the last couple of years I have made a few friends. But now we are having to move a couple of hundred miles away due to dhs job. I am dreading having to start all over again. I suppose I have always been a bit of a loner and quite independant but its nice to have a couple of good friends isnt it.

What you have said definatelly strikes a chord with me JLsmum. An example of this is that I sometimes go to a mother and baby group, at this is a woman who seems really nice and we always have a chat. She has said for me to 'pop round for coffee anytime'. However, I feel funny about just turning up at her door, she lives just across the road so saying to phone isn't really an option and by not calling it looks like I'm not interested when I am ! I have a good group of old friends, it just takes me ages to make new ones. I need to 'build' contact up which can sometimes take ages. But, on the plus side, (have to look for a positive) I have ended up with a small group of really brilliant friends!

I love it if people just come to the door! I don't fret about the house/preparations/and just put the kettle on. I'd go for it.

Starsky, why not arrange something with your new pal? Perhaps an outing with your children? That way you won't worry about popping in at an inconvenient time.

I found the best way to make new friends having moved house was to get involved with playgroup/school stuff/NCT - volunteer for a job and you soon meet people. One of my closest friends was a fellow playgroup committee person, and another was a school governor.

Think i know how you feel JLsmum -i'm usually quite good at being friendly towards new people i meet i.e if i meet some of dp's friends i have bever met before etc - however, i am absolutely terrible at keeping a conversation going unless i've had a few drinks.
Also, had a situation last year where myself and 2 sister-in-laws were very very close - 2 sister in laws then started being more friendly towards each other than myself so i just backed out of the situation very quickly - they are now best buddies and do lots together which doesn't really include me - needless to say we don't talk very often now!

All seemed a bit pathetic at the time but at least now i'm not the only person who this has happened to.

Thanks for the advice, I have thought about arranging something with the person, but the thing is she already has 2 close friends nearby, who she seems to do a lot with. I don't know them and would prefer to do something with her on her own, but not sure how to do this without excluding the others, if you see what I mean.

I know I just need to bite the bullet and go round, that is probably the best solution, I just need to build up the courage and then go!