So now I realise my abusive exH can have his fingers into every aspect of my life.

[TheDevilWearsPrimark]

I have an amazing, gorgeous DP, he knows all of my history with my exH, he has weathered getting abusive facebook messages from exh (lord knows how he knew) and I am confident to say we are truly in love. He hasn't yet met the DC, nor have I talked about him to them, we planned that to be way down the line

It's only been a few months but we were in the same school year, and even danced at a school disco together All of our mutual friends and even some of my family that know him are thrilled.

But here's the rub. I am in court at the moment with exH who kept the DC after a contact weekend. It's going to be very lengthy and CAFCASS will look into everything. I just came of the phone to DP who says he thinks needs to step away from it all for a bit he doesn't want to but maybe it won't look good in court etc. I totally understand why but it makes me so angry.

He will wait (and I know he will) and I know why he can't /doesn't want to be involved.

But I can't help but feel in maybe a selfish way exH has robbed me of my children and of my DP. I need that intense friendship, and then the mindblowing sex too, of course.

I have no idea what to do.

I think he is right.

From your brief description of him and his thoughts it sounds to me as though he is thinking this through and making the right decisions for you and your children.

Concentrate on your court case, put everything into that and getting your children back to you, when that is finalised and the situation with your ex H is legally settled then move on with your partner.

He sounds lovely and sensible too, unlike your ex H.

.......and of course the mind blowing sex will be even more mind blowing after some time apart!

Okay I have spoken to him again today and he's right, you are right. It just makes me sad.

My mum was delighted to hear what he'd said, she adores him already and she says he is only doing what is best for me right now.

We have agreed we will talk on the phone (probably for hours every evening) and meet up with mutual friends or just for coffee but try to wind things back for a while.

It's not a good time for me and I understand that, and I imp0lictly trust he will wait until the time is right.

I cant imagine caring about mindblowing sex if I lost my kids.

He sounds nice though.

This is exactly was pisses me off.

I am going through this, a trauma you cannot begin to imagine and am expected to behave as if I am in mourning 24/7.

I went out with friends for dinner and had my mum constantly ringing me, and my gran thought it was a despicable thing for me to do 'at a time like this'

Forgive me for wanting to cling to the last shreds of my life.

Perhaps I'll go dress in black, get under the duvet and hope that it's all sorted out for me.

TDWP you do exactly what you need to do. ROlling around on the floor screaming and clawing at yourself 24/7 will not actually help the situation, whereas anything that makes you feel better or stronger or even just distracts you for a very little while, is good: you need your resilience.
SO sorry this is happening to you. It sounds as though you got a misogynist judge the first time. Best of luck with getting it sorted soon.

But tdwp, if your ex gets wind of this, then he will also use it against you. 'Going out to dinner with friends' would nicely demonstrate a couldn't care less attitude from his point of view. Can't win.
Fwiw, if it were me I think I'd want to be with my friends 24/7, and if that included dinner then so be it tbh.

I think he's right. Your x sounds like he's cut from the same self-absorbed psycho cloth as mine, and he would definitely love to have had the opportunity to portray me as some chaotic Kerry Katona type, lurching from relationship to relationship....

don't give your x the opportunity.

It's tough though... maybe maintaining and nurturing a new relationship would be awfully hard work with everything that's going on right now.

I haven't been to any of my usual classes since it happened, I normally do trapeze, ballet and pilates. But tonight I'm thinking my options are sit in front of the tv having things whirl around my head, or drive over to trapeze, then eat out with a close friend after class.

It's ridiculous I feel wrong getting on with life, and it is exactly what my ex is trying to do to me. He has admitted himself in the past he struggled to accept how quickly I bui8lt a new life apart from him. Classic abuser.

As for DP I can easily just let it lie for a while, we were very close friends before getting together and he has seen me at my very lowest, he can handle it. But I don't want what will be with us to be tarnished by my ex so I just need to step back, I know.

ps, I know what you mean about not wanting to lose everything in your life. I had times where I thought, 'if my x doesn't return the kids this evening, I've got nothing'. At the time I had no job, no boyfriend...... nothing. Just get up, care for children, go to bed.

Things not quite so monchrome now. But I know exactly what you mean and don't think that you care any less for your children.

btw, What does your solicitor say about character references? Mine advised me to have a few ready, so I got character references from the ABA co-ordinator at my son's school & my daughter's primary school teacher. My solicitor admitted it was nothing concrete, just people's opinions really, but it all builds a picture and it might just help... so I had them ready.

It's better that you can manage a little detachment. You'll need to stay sane. Going crazy, sobbing, tailspinning wouldn't get the children back any quicker.

Is there any possibility this is just to torment you?? Does your x really want responsibility of two children and all that that entails.... Have you 'learnt your lesson yet'? Has he made you pay enough yet?

for now his mother is looking after the children, but if he had to pay for childcare for two, would the prospect of residency be so appealing?

This is exactly our angle in court. But the judge won't hear anything about the domestic abuse as it is 'historical'.

Even when we were married I had to get a babysitter in if I was arranging a night out, and he took the children out by himself maybe once a month tops.

I truly believe, and if only email evidence was used, that exH has finally realised there was no way of getting me back and so has taken a low blow, and hit me where it really hurts.

He has a stressful city job, also does journalism and he lives to work. There is no chance he wants to be a devoted full time father.

My new career choice has been used against me in court too (bangs head)

If his plan is to foist the kids off on to his ageing mtoher whilst he works every hour, then that won't be received too well. I don't know what your job is but if you are able to present it as family-friendly and flexible then that'd trump a rat on the wheel in city job I hope (from the perspective of parenting).

Also, BIG up the support you get from YOUR non-bipolar parents/siblings...

I think it took three years for the fight to finally go out of my insane x. He still doesn't contribute, but not every decision he makes revolves aroung teaching me a lesson now.

ps, no offence meant to anybody who works in The City. I used to myself!

just read your other thread. I am picturing it now, how he presents himself to the judge. Respectable hard-working ambitious citizen... and you're cast in the role of hysterical chaotic woman not up to the job of motherhood.

I'll hold the sick bag for you.

Exactly that!

And because none of the evidence, even police reports of DV is deemed relevant he retains that respectable image.

I worked freelance, worked has hard as I could in the time I had to, given I was a single mother of two small children, one with special needs. Then decided to persue a switch of direction, but career dream , with full support of my family and it is used against me!?

Yes it is odd hours but I have been told I can apply to work 20 hours, and I can still freelance on the side.

Wow, How is that being held against you? What's his angle? that you ..... went back to work so long as it fits around family life..?

Because I am training with the fire service. This apparently means I am not putting my children first.

So everyone in the emergency services/ forces is too selfish to be a capable parent!? wtf

I think that's his distorted mindset. He has devalued you and written you off as a mother, but the judge (even a crusty old dinosaur) won't see you through your x's eyes.

The emergency services must be full of women.

Good for you, it sounds great. Funnily enough I've a longing to be a paramedic... I feel I can cope with anything after 8 years of coping with my x, smoothing things over, diffusing difficult situations, second guessing his moods...

TDWP - I'm really sorry you're going through this, I went through something similar myself.

I also had all reports of DV discounted as "historical", and my xh got residency of the children. Briefly, he stayed in the marital home (£££'s in front of his eyes) and wanted residency of the kids for that reason only. The dc's chose to stay in their home as that's where their friend etc were. I'd had to leave for my own safety (physically). I went through the whole process as even though dc's wanted to stay, xh was also preventing contact. Ds2 came to live with me shortly after the final judgement was made that meant marital house had to be sold (50-50 split) or xh buy me out.

I'm sorry I don't know all your history, how old are your dc's?

I found CAFCASS very frustrating (and judgey!) to deal with, and was told at the time that it's not staffed with people with training with children, but more in the legal process side. I'm not sure if this is still true. MATCH were fabulous if you've not contacted them already.

If I can help in anyway, please feel free to ask.

theres a thread running right now about new partners early on etc 9in aibu and lp sections)....its posted by the dad,about his ex .....at first glance at this i thought it was the reverse story!!