Friend being used as unpaid childcare dilemma

[codswallop]

My pal X is regularly looking after another womans (Y) dd (they are sort of friends) when Y is working from home.

X feels that she cant really say no - but I feel that if Y is working then she should factor chilcare costs in. Also Ys work is sporadic. Ys dd goes to nursery 2 morning s aweek.

The prob is that they are people who cant afford to fall out...

How should my pal get out of it?

[SoupDragon]

If X is looking after Ys child in Xs home, then she must be registered as a childminder. (I think that technically this is only the case if it is for "reward" although this "reward" can be money or payment in kind etc but it could be given as a reason not to do it)

[doormat]

I would leave them to get on with the arrangement codswallop.
If they are friends it will only cause a rift which you will come under fire for eventually.

If it is a money issue why cant X ask for some kind of payment or if not sorry but X will have to go and find herself a job as X needs extra income.Then Y would have to pay full childcare costs or find someone else.If it is a money issue surely X and Y could come to some compromise.

[codswallop]

Its not as official than that - If Y needs to go shopping for something for her work she asks X if she would just have the 2 year old....

Catch ma drift Soupy?

[doormat]

OK so basically Y is taking advantage of X.
Cant X drop her child/children round to Y for a change????

[LIZS]

If it is that casual and there is some sort of reciprocation then I would n't see a problem. If however x feels put upon then she needs to become a bit more assertive, perhaps arranging to do something on a regular basis with her own child which y's child cannot come along to. Perhaps y could find a flexible childminder or regulate her hours better to avoid this happening so often.

I think increasingly people have to have someone on whom they can call in an emergency since many do not have family locally who might have done this in the past. There is a suggestion in your post that their "arrangement" goes beyond this but I don't think you are in a position to resolve it for them.

[SoupDragon]

Is there a reciprocal arrangement? I agree with Doormat that X should drop her children round to Y for a change. TBH, if she keeps agreeing, then Y has no reason to think there's a problem. I think she suddenly needs to be busy on a few occasions.

[WideWebWitch]

I think it depends. Is your friend the childminder unhappy with the situation? (sorry if I'm being thick!) In which case she should say, look, I'm not registered so I can't do it in case someone reports me. Sorry. Or could she just be 'busy' for a few weeks when Y goes shopping so the situation doesn't arise? Is this really happening to 'a friend?'

[codswallop]

Im not getting involved! Just posting on her behalf. My friend doesnt need/want childcare as often as Y.

Agree she could just say no but Y lives nearby and is a hawk for seeing who is where when.

Mind you if my pal obviously was lying as to her whereabouts Y might get the message...!

X is just too nice - i tell her this all the time...(as I leave my 3 with her) (joke(

[janh]

Why can't they afford to fall out, coddy?

[codswallop]

x and y used to live next door and now only live a street away (on a new etate). They would see each other every day. also my pal is ridiculously polite.

Sotrry no more sinister than that.

[codswallop]

Ps I like being called Coddy - or the codster or Codstero

[codswallop]

Just read WWs post properly. Yes of course its a friend - i would have been much more cunning and codsterly.

Its ds3 s godmother - who hasnt got broadband. Mind you she is a PRIME Mumsnetter in waiting

[janh]

Well, coddy/codster/codstero/coddywoddy etc, , I can think of strategies but without knowing the women concerned and their characters it's hard to know what's possible and what isn't. Certainly if reciprocal arrangements aren't an option then Y should be paying something. Agree with LIZS though that you can't sort it out for X, she'll have to do it herself, although as she is one of those much too nice people who hates to say no I can see that will be tough.

Y sounds like hard work to be a neighbour of though! Could you set up a threesome coffee morning where the subject comes up and then you back X up when she suggests a change?

[codswallop]

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOo way. I am outta there. I only mention it because we were yakking about it today (sorry conferencing) and i said Id ask you lot.

Ps what about La Codstera?

[CAM]

Coderina

[SoupDragon]

The Codmeister?

[codswallop]

la codissima

[codswallop]

why told me what i was in spanish once

[princesspeahead]

la coddiolina

because of your enormous resemblence to la cicciolina (remember her?!)

[codswallop]

Piss off you old hag.

[codswallop]

(did actually Snigger!)

She married that New York Sculptor - he spoke no Italian and she no English..Hmm I think they divorced with a messy custody battle.

She also promised to sleep with Saddam to avoid war didnt she?