What would you do?

[ellesbelles79]

Sorry for long message...Im just sick of crying and staring at walls searching for the answers...

Im 19wks pg with 1st baby and live with my partner of 5years. We are happy but dont see each other much due to his long working hours (he is a chef) so Im often on my own at home etc.

He has been moaning loads about work, how much he hates the hours etc & keeps saying he wants to go abroad. His sister married a very well off architect & she moved to Mozambique 2yrs ago to be with him as he has a major contract out there. They've had some kids & seem happy. Also, their mother went to go and live with them so she wouldnt be alone & could live comfortably. So, yes you've guessed it - he wants to go there!!

I agreed with him before I was preg that I would go there on holiday to see what it was like but I wasnt going to commit to the idea. He said that was fine & that if I didnt like it, we just wouldnt go. But now he is really putting the pressure on - moaning about England and saying we could live like kings over there instead & lead a good life with sun, good food etc.

He has even gone so far to say this week that he "is going, no matter what and its up to me if I go or stay"...which is not nice to hear when you are pregnant!! Also, he has already seemed to discuss/make plans with this sister about what we can do when we are there. She has a business and its already in their mind that "when" we go I would work with/for her! Why are they planning my life for me???? Why are they making decisions without even consulting me or asking what I want to do...because TBH moving to Mozambique is not in my life plan! Never was, probably never will be!

Im so upset about it all and the prospect that he might just up and leave anyway & I would be here "holding the baby"

I have a good job here myself, have family here that I would miss & I just wonder what can I do? I've said to him in tears that this is not the time to be thinking of these things, that we need to have the baby & get our lives in order...

Also, I pay all the bills - mortgage, water, electric, c-tax , food - EVERYTHING! he moans about the fact that he cant live like a king here but the financial support he gives me is zero! I ask him what he does with his wage but he fobs me off & says "thats not the point" and "Im sick of working for other people".

In some ways I feel like seeing what happens & if he wants to go I will just let him. I am 99% sure that I would not want to go...go and do what there??? I cant even speak the lingo so what good can it be!

Im so stressed & constantly headachey, tearful because I feel like I have been put in such a terrible position!

Interested to see what you think....

You are getting some dodgy advice here.
Each airline will allow flying at different stages, on average it is around 34 weeks... HOWEVER the hard part is getting travel insurance after 30 weeks. No so important if you are covered by state health in departure and arrival countries.. unless you have a stoppver. If you go into labour on the plane, they will obviously remove you on the next stoppver... and will be subject to all costs unless otherwise converd.
I would recommend making sure you can get insurance BEFORE booking a flight.

Strangely I think Tesco's are on of the most flexible travel insurance providors in this regard.

Might I also add that his sister is living comfortably because she married a well off architect?

Move to a country you don´t want to-no

Work in a "job" that they are organising-no

Tell him to go if he wants-yes.

Sorry to hear what you are going through, OP.

Just a quick one as in a rush.

Are you sure that he is not working all hours to fund the trip abroad, NOT for you and the baby?

(FL, this is not about the difficulties of flying to Mozambique while pregnant or getting travel insurance. Way to spectacularly miss the point)

Exactly, mathanxiety - with all the problems this poor woman has, whether she can fly in a bloody plane is the least of them!

OP, how is not living like a king now? He has every penny he earns to spend on whatever he wants. You are very naive, I think, in thinking that he will be furnishing any nursery or paying for absolutely anything at all.

He has completely taken advantage of your kindness in providing for absolutely everything for him. Do you actually know for certain that he's got rid of his debts now? How did you think you'd manage financially (without emigrating, just over here) with him living off you so completely? Did you think you'd be able to take a year off on maternity pay with him paying for it?

I couldn't live with someone who lived off me in this way. I couldn't live with anyone who wanted me to live in Mozambique! I couldn't live with anyone who fixed me up with a job I didn't know anything about in a country I didn't want to go to.

This is slavery!

You would have more to live on and support your baby with if he went off to Mozambique by himself, actually...

mathanxiety - I did not miss the point, I was correcting some IMO dangerous advice. My advice is correct and even if the OP has no use for it, it was relevant to subsequent posts, unlike your little spiteful post.

Did I critique the value of you talking about mines in Mozambique? No...

Exactly, mathanxiety - with all the problems this poor woman has, whether she can fly in a bloody plane is the least of them!

So are how many mines are in the Mozambique countryside...

Oooooh ellesbelles i just want to give you a massive hug, i'm so sorry you are having to go through this.

Please listen to these responses especially mathanxiety. i speak the lingo and i wouldn't go! my cousin lived out there for a while and you do have to have good money and a lot of that will go on protection, if you park your car at the shops you need to pay a street person to look after it otherwise you'll come back to no tyers or errm no car...

I can totally see it from your point of view, i have been in a similar position. You love him and that makes it hard but from a mothers point of view if your daughter was in this position what advice would you give her? Right down the pros and cons...it may be pretty one sided.

My daughter's father held her, was crazy about her blah blah but just left for his pipe dream - to cut a long story short i did break up with him and was much better off for it, my now husband looks after and loves her like a dad should.

You aren't really giving up much as you don't see him that much now as it is...would you notice if he goes? You might have more food in the fridge and a tidier aparment

Congratulations on the pregnancy and hope the scan goes well x

Ellesbelles - you are in a horrible situation.

Firstly, ask him to provide you with cash NOW for nursery stuff. You should be looking at buying now rather than when you're too big to care. If he refuses or can't give you anything then, for me, that would be a deal breaker right now.

FWIW - you won't be going to Mozambique for a while to live or on holiday. The point about insurance is a good one as is the vaccine / malaria meds one. Unless you're getting an expat salary then you won't be living like kings - that's a pipe dream.

I am pretty laid back about where we go as a family but I have never yet taken my kids to a certain place in Africa (youngest is 3.5) as I feel it's too dangerous / too many jabs / tablets.

He sounds like a freeloader (although you have to accept some responsibility for that) and you would be better off without him from what you've told us.

I hope you resolve this soon. I would not move for anything.

" He is really happy about the baby and incredibly excited"

that is good - but i am a fraid that if you not seeing any money now form his 14 hours days then there is no reaosn to think you will once baby is here - being excited, even being good with the baby, does not necessarily equate with financial support ...

you also might want to throw some realism into the picture - both of you go spend time with someone who has a newborn if you can, let him see the time and energy involved...

I'm sorry to say I think you are showing him too much faith where money is concerned. You need to know now what he is earning, what the outstanding debts are, whether he has built up savings, and be organising repayments for you and your father AS WELL AS agreeing what he will contribute for the baby expenses coming your way.

As for Mozambique: I completely agree that if either or both of you get a local salary you will struggle (I speak from my experience of growing up elsewhere in Africa with parents on local salaries). The lovely shops and sports clubs and restaurants sister is enjoying may well require payment in hard currency, which you wouldn't have. There may be no adequate healthcare unless, again, you can afford a private health clinic which probably will also require payment in hard currency. In my country nowadays this costs a king's ransom in US dollars.

But the real deal-breaker to me is not about Mozambique as a country (I've heard good things about it) but the fact your partner is harrying you into this and won't look before he leaps. It's a rushed impulsive move and in your place I wouldn't take the risk.

Persecution complex at all, FL? I'll joint he dots for you as it seems necessary:

A man who wants to drag a pregnant woman and his newborn baby to live in a country like Mozambique, where there are leftover landmines from three decades of vicious civil war (and the whole point about landmines is that nobody knows how many there are or where they are; ever played Minesweeper?) problems with the drinking water, malaria and the necessity for vaccinations for both mother and baby, and an economy that is limping along right at the bottom of the barrel even without the recession, to work for an architect in a time when the construction industry worldwide is in the toilet, on top of all that has already been mentioned about his net contribution to the family income and life, is not a man who has the welfare of his partner or baby uppermost in his mind.

Played minesweeper...."? oh dear.....

Sarcasm radar down again?

Oh right sarcasm.... gotcha.... brilliant.

Knew you'd appreciate it. Anything else I can explain?