Excellent article in The Independent

[arfarfa]

www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/features/the-children-who-have-two-homes-2091246.html

It just makes me wonder if they can be this reasonable at working contact out why they could not work their marriage out?

I like the quote about accepting that you and your ex now have a business relationship - the business being bringing up your DCs.

As with so many things though, this kind of situation is greatly eased by enough money. If both parents are comfortable and there is enough cash not to be worrying about duplicating possessions or who pays for what or who is entitled to more tax credits then that must remove a lot of flashpoints from the conversations!

Agree, tippychoocks, saw this in the paper at the w/e, there was a list of bullet points how to make shared parenting work.

They forgot the most important one, 'Have enough money to own two largish houses close together'

of course it's right to ahve that as an ideal - "When you take out domestic abuse and parenting capacity issues"

. but the reality is often different.

soemtimes yes one aprent eneds substantial therapy/counselling/help tor each that business relationship - it's not something that will happen overnight, not just about ordering 50/50...many people are going to ened a lot of cousnelling and help to reach that point of accepting "business" relationship.

for example - make it mandatory for a parent to attend a cafcass facilitated family conference - my exP refused to attend this. yet there was no repurcussions... but even if he ahd been dragged there kicking and screaming, you cant get into his head...

Me and my ex are trying to do this. Although he does not yet have a home so sees the dc at mine and I tend to go out.

I found that article very helpful especially the bit about being business partners in the bringing up of your children.

I think once all the details are ironed out this will be best possible way to bring up our dc, yet I have been told so many times on MN and in RL that I should be laying down the law a bit more with set times he can see the dc etc. I just can't do it. I wouldn't allow someone to tell me when I can and can't see my dc so why should I be able to do that to their father.

Really positive and helpful article.

shimmery - your post on LP
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/lone_parents/1046605-Why-do-our-ex-s-hate-us-so-much describes your ex as an abusive person who hates you - on that basis it surely is going to be very hard for you on your own to achieve a business relationship.

it takes two.

it doesnt tally with this post saying that the two of you trying to work it all out in a business like way... .

but i guess there must have been a change in his attitude?

whenever i have said to my exP - including in front of a third party mediator - "look let's just sit and discuss it in busness like way" he storms and rants about "how can we be business like when we made our children out of love; we can never be business colleagues in this, that is ridiculous, think about the children, tehy need our love from both of us, you are denying them this, it has to be family and love and we should all be together and you are ruining their lives by parcelling them up into two homes and bla bla bla "

business like. profressional - support the children in the enw two-homes scenario - can only work if both sides are willing....

shimmery i do truly wish you both well in achieving this but what you post just now does not tally with what you posted on LP....

seems like you are willing - but is he?

glucose - not the same thing at all.

Myself and XP pretty much do this as we remain very good friends for the most part despite it takign a while to get there after separation. DS doesn't have a bedroom of his own with XP but everything else is just as it is at mine.

If ex-couples can do this too then great but it shouldn't be enshrined in law as it hugely depends on each individual situation.

This is what my DP refers to as "aspirational journalism".

Two Parents in two seperate houses; being very civilised.

Rarely works if one parent is reliant on court ordered maintenance and tax credits; fine if you're a multi-millionaire... money buys a distance from bad choices/decisions for all concerned.

The best solution, but you have to be properly monied for this, is for the children to always stay in the same place and if parents can't be together, they live there alternate weeks/half weeks. The parents each have their own place too. Judges have enforced this from time to time in America. Doesn't work so well if there are half/step brothers or sisters of course to be looked after too.

It always amazes me that some adults think it is fine for children to have to split their lives between two houses but when you ask them if they would consider it they find the idea completely unpalatable.

cestlavie Yes there are difficulties but I posted about them THERE not HERE after a row. Not sure why you brought it here actually.

I don't think I said anything that didn't tally, notice I said we are "trying" to achieve this. Not always successfully because he can be a total knob but I think it is worth trying and I am prepared to put my own feelings aside to a certain extent for the sake of my dc and if I have to do it alone for a bit and hope he follows on then I am prepared to do so. He says he is willing. Anyway I don't have to live with him anymore and so am prepared to put up with a bit of rubbish for a successful outcome for my dc.

In theory this is what we have agreed and it is working to a certain extent until his nastier nature resurfaces but we are only about 8 months in and I think hope that it can work for us in the long term.

cestlavie, she did say they were trying, not that they were a shining example of how this works. I think it's a bit off to - to all intents and purposes - call her a liar

Mumi - My belief is that these children are still being made to compromise. It seems a shame that these parents, who appear to be articulate and affluent, are unable to forgive or compromise to try to work their relationship out. However, it is acceptable to them for their home life to be in a national newspaper, so I am guessing they are not the types who would try to do this.

didnt say she was lying - just was confused as another post she said it was v difficultt to communicate etc - then said they were working together towards this kind of ideal.

as she said that was "after a row".

but if they both willing to try then of course it is good.

cant work with my ex as he continually refuses to engage on that level as he simply cannot accept the separation. he doesnt think having two homes is ever going to be ok . (but i suspect more for him than for the DC as it means he has to take responsibility for them...)

but that is the reality.

i think the article probably does not tell the whole story - however it does suggest that a set routine is what works so the dc know where and when they are.

also - why does mother get all the weekends?

Nothing is Black and White is it cestlavie? Lots of shades of grey in marriage break ups And to be honest I don't actually appreciate that being dragged over here. If you have read ALL my other threads and want to get THEM involved here too then you will know that ex goes along being very reasonable for a few weeks and then will suddenly dish out a few verbal jabs, which leave me feeling like crap but for the sake of my dc I try to absorb them and just keep things on track.

For me this article describes a situation that in my personal circumstances and with the kind of personalities my children have would be a Good Thing, didn't say anywhere that I was managing to achieve it just yet.

DIdn't say she was lying in actual words, no. Cut and pasted bits of other threads to show that she is posting conflicting information, yes. Tbh I don't think it's nice behaviour and none of your business.

DP shares parenting of the DSSs with his exW. The DSSs spend weekends (Fri pm - Mon am) with alternate parents, and Monday and Thursday nights at their mother's house, and Tuesday and Wednesday nights at our house. And we split the annual holidays down the middle, rather than each holiday down the middle (eg DSSs will spend the whole of the Christmas holiday with their mother and the whole of the Easter holiday with us).

It works just fine. As other posters have pointed out, you need enough money for two large houses (apartments) close to one another and to the children's school.

Glucose - you can be a reasonable co-parent and loathe your ex, you know!

ok sorry . wont do it again. apologies.

Glucose - there's a world of difference. Two of my closest friends thad a marriage that, while dead in the water emotionally, was a successful partnership in business and childrearing. Outside of those pragmatic areas, though, they had no respect for one another as people and the atmosphere in their home was tense & brittle. It's not a great environment for children and fails to prepare them well for adult relationships.

As those two could have afforded two homes, I feel it would have been better for them to split.

C'est, I agree that it takes two sane people to create a successfully divorced famiy. One irrational parent screws up the whole deal, together or separately. Obviously, everyone acts somewhat irrationally during a divorce. But if one partner's emotional imbalance was the cause of the split, it's unreaslistic to expect divorce to fix that.

Me and my ex have been doing this with our son - we split the week in half and alternate weekends, and so far (we've been doing it less than a year), it's working really well and our DS who is 4, seems OK. He does miss whoever he's not with, but he's so close to his dad that it would have been unthinkable to go the route of an every-other-weekend arrangement.

We are completely skint though. We both have average salaries and are both renting 2 bed flats in London, so yes money would help the situation. IMO it's worth being broke for as I think it's the best situation for DS, but I wish tax credit would take this sort of situation into account. And schools, councils, doctors etc. Its still unusual and although we live in the same borough we're not that near each other. We weren't allowed to apply for a school that was halfway in between us, only for one that was near one of us, so its a bit of a journey from his dads.

I don't think we're being selfish, us living together would have been a nightmare situation for DS to have grown up in, we're much better off apart.