Feel very alone - Is anyone esles DH *not* gagging for it all the time?

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I've been with my DH 9yrs now and our sex life has never been red hot. But all the other amazing things about him always made up for that. Never in my life have I had an orgasm. I've had plenty of partners but sex was never really about me more to do with pleasing the guy and that always made me feel good about myself.
But all my friends dhs seem to be really randy all the time and they're fending them off cos the man wants sex every night.
My DH expresses an interest in sex maybe twice a month.
Also he's very aware that I've never orgasmed and he's never made the effort to get me having one. I told him at the start of our relationship that I just didn't have them and that some women don't. I now know this is rollocks and that with a bit of effort and exploration I could be having them.
This weekend I ordered a book on how to have an orgasm and a very fancy rampent rabbit. DH has not reacted to this and still seems to view this as a my problem.
My friends say that if it was them, their DHs would make it their mission to give them one.
My DH doesn't even want to go down on me.

Sorry to be so graphic. I'm probably wrong to be telling total strangers all this personal stuff. But as I say, I feel very isolated.

Some women actually are totally anorgasmic but it is rare and you might be able to teach yourself to orgasm.

In all honesty though, your orgasm is your responsibility and not your husband's - you need to explore your own body and sexuality before you let him loose on it.

That said, he sounds pretty inhibited and clueless about sex, has he never even tried giving you oral stimulation? - do you think you could have potentially put him off even trying to pleasure you because of your insistance that you can't orgasm, or is it just selfishness on his part?

I think you need to have a chat with your DH. By telling him that you were unable to have orgasms, giving him the benefit of the doubt, he has taken this at face value so doesn't try. He doesn't sound like he has a very high sex drive and that's OK too as long as you're OK with that. Twice a month is not alot but I don't think it seems cause for concern really unless you are wanting it alot more often than him.

Have you tried your rampant rabbit yet? I have a friend who has never orgasmed with a man- I bought her a vibrator and she can orgasm with it. Might sound strange but my friend bought me a vibrator when I was 16 so it was quite the norm for my circle of friends at that age. I think we thought we were all very risque

Good sex is about communication.You need to talk this through with him.Although if he doesn't even press his face up against the shop window then I don't hold out much hope.Good luck!

I'm sorry this is happening (or not, as the case may be!). Don't worry about what your friends say cos people sometimes like to make out their life is a lot rosier than it perhaps otherwise is. Saying that, a good sex life is part of a good marriage.

Malificence is right, you need to explore your own body first! You can then 'teach' your DH what you like.

If you have gone 9 years like this though, it isn't going to be an easy task. I wish you all the best.

You're not alone. My DH and I have sex perhaps twice a month, if that. He doesn't seem that interested, or perhaps not interested in me. We've been together 20 years and had great sex to start off with. In the last couple of years it's really fallen off the agenda, so to speak.

I sort myself out most of the time now. I only started masturbating when I was 40 My suggestion is don't start with a rabbit - explore with your fingers first. There's loads of good erotica online or to download. I find it much easier to become aroused when I have something steamy to read rather than looking at porn, which is dull IMO and makes me want to cringe mostly.

Is your DH very sexually inexperienced? Perhaps he just doesn't really know what to do and is embarrassed to discuss it? Once you have learned how to please yourself, you could give him a demonstration.

Thanks ladies.
I am going to work on pleasuring myself. Then will educate dh. From what I can gather the only sexual partners he had before me were virgins and so he's maybe not had the benifit of good teaching.

I tried early on in the relationship but he does not like me to initiate sex. He's a control freak, what can I say. So this rather knocked my confidence in my sexual prowess.
Our kids are 3 and 18mths so we're just coming out of the fog we were in when they were very tiny. DH is also very busy at work and very ambitious in that way. He puts his all into his work as he feels he has to. I'm very grateful for the money he earns to give us a comefortable life, however he's spent by his work and has very little energy left for home life. I think this issue will get better over time.
Soo, am going to insist we work on it. I can't imagine going to bed and having a long love making session. Are sex is over with in about 5mins.

I wouldn't mind the infrequency if the quality of the sex was better.
Gonna get to grips with the rabbit!!

Most women need at least 20 minutes to warm up to anything even approaching orgasm.

You need to get back to basics, forget rabbits and the like and just start to enjoy each other's bodies, 5 minutes is not satisfying for either of you, if neither of you have ever had good sex then once you get the hang of it, you'll wonder how you ever managed without it.

But Malificence, if the op has never had an orgasm, I think the quickest way to one is a vibrator and I recommend you try it asap op. It's fun . It will boost your confidence too.

Another question. If anyone still reading this thread.
How do I break through or tip over the top to orgasm? I can feel absolute amazing intense sensation but I can't seem to get to the orgasm. I try relaxing my muscles but its not easy as the feeling is so forceful.

Some times I feel like I'm so close to it.
Is it a matter of enjoying the intense feeling for longer?

Actually, tensing your muscles all over, especially your legs, can help.

Deep breathing can create intense orgasms but I think the main key is to 'let go' and practice lots on your own and at your own pace.If it takes 30 minutes,then it takes 30 minutes..

It took me about 4 years to 'let go' but I had alot of issues about control of my own body.You'll get there OP !

Try popping a pillow underneath your bum/hips so you are slightly angled,this can help too.

What happens when you get the intense sensation? Do you stop, or do you carry on and it just fades away?

I get the intense sensations while my dh is stimulating my clitoris with his fingers.
Sometimes his fingers slip or I get over sensitive from all the stimulation. A lot of the time dh has to come so sex is over and so is my enjoyment.
Am going to work with dh to improve things, but it won't happen quickly.
We're always tired and don't feel in the mood often.

Don't relax your muscles, tense them. I'd second BorgQueen on that. I can't come if I relax. I have to be all tensed up. If you start having lots of orgasms, it works wonders for your leg definition and pelvic floor, all that tensing.

When it starts to get intense, carry on with what you're doing, do whatever feels good, and you will start to feel that even if you were to stop stimulating yourself, you'd tip over the edge. I'd say just keep going until you feel something definitive has happened. Personally, once I've climaxed, after a few moments, I'm too sensitive to carry on touching. So that might give you a clue. Sorry if TMI!

And I think, for me anyway, it's about mentally letting go, but physically tensing up, if that makes any sense.

I'd also second getting some good erotic literature.

Good luck. I really hope you manage it - in fact, I'm sure you will if you persevere. It is wonderful. :)

Any recomendations for erotic literature please?
Thanks for all responses by the way.

Cross-posted. Even if you did sort of shoot yourself in the foot a bit at the start by declaring that you don't have orgasms, I don't much like your DH's attitude to sex: "A lot of the time DH has to come so sex is over and so is my enjoyment."

Definitely explore yourself. Work out what works for you. Get familiar with it. And then explain to your DH that you've managed it, you're enjoying it, and that you'd like sex to now be a more equal affair, involving orgasms for both of you, and you will teach him what he needs to learn ... maybe not in that way, but YSWIM!

The best lover I've had said to me that for someone to be good at sex, they have to love being given pleasure, and love giving it, in equal measure. I think he was right, and your DH needs to man up on this score.

Also, I don't know if you're having a drink before sex but it is much easier to orgasm sober IME. Just a thought.