DP in the pub a lot...

[kittymch]

Ok, i'll try and keep this short. It seems to me that DP spends a lot of time (and money!) in the pub - last week:

Friday 3-6.30pm
Saturday 2-9pm
Sunday (with me and DD, 17 months) at charity do 2-6.30pm
Then he wanted to go out on his own again later (I blew gasket)
Monday 3ish-5pm (i blew bigger gasket)

Most of the times, weekdays, it is before I get back from work/nursery...and I try to get my own time back, but if I went out as much as him we would NEVER be togehter. He says he never stops me going out, and neither he does but then it's academic as I don't want to go to the pub as much as him and never would.

He gets really defensive if I challenge him and refuses to acknowledge that it is having a negative impact on our family.

Has anyone else have a similar experience? And how do you handle it?

no i havent had this experience

this sounds really excessive - is his ocial life/work life involved in this ?

This is a lot, especially when you have a young child and on weekends, evenings you should be doing things together not you doing things on your own whilst he drinks and spends.

Does he go straight from work then?

Hi PT and herecomes the Saturday afternoon is connected to footie, and the friday is after work (always) The monday was just a lucky few hours he got to himself...and went to the pub AGAIN .

His excuse was I wasn't in the house...

I have never had this experience, but it sounds very excessive to me.

DH is not a pub-goer, thank goodness - but then I wouldn't have married him if he had been.

Perhaps google 'alcoholism and men' and see if any of the warning signs ring a bell. You don't mention the quantity he is drinking, I just assume from the mention of spending a lot of money that he is not settling down to be sociable over a single pint. I also assume he is not working, or certainly not a classic 9-5 job from the times he is in the pub, if unemployed could he be depressed and self-medicating? Defensiveness is not a good sign. Nor is the negative impact on your relationship.

he's a self employed tradesman hence flexible hours. Just a very social drinker from a hard drinking culture...

The question I would ask him is why he prefers the pub environment to the home environment.

If he stays home, does he drink the same amount? When you made him come home after the do at the weekend, did he drink more then?

I've often spent massive amounts of time in pubs, due mainly to loneliness. I ended up with an alcohol problem. Neither one nor the other would be great news for you, obviously, but I'm trying to get an idea of how much he needs the drinks, iyswim

If he's at home he sometimes has a few beers, but not to the same extent. Hmmm, ItsGrace, an interesting point - he is a very social person and is frankly crap at spending time by himself...whereas I quite like time to myself - but not quite so MUCH time.

I think I'm pretty flexible but feel like I have spent the last year or so to no avail trying to illustrate what is reasonable and what (I think)is not. And it's been no fun.

Oh dear :( It sounds rather as if he thinks of time with his family as time without company! That'd be a bit of a kick in the teeth, wouldn't it? It is nice, being in the pub with all your pub buddies - it's one long ego-boost, with added alcoholic sparkle. Then it sneakily gets a hold of you. Presumably you've sat him down and had The Talk, tried doing more varied family activities & so on?

Thanks for input and insight ItsGrace...thats useful if making me a bit sad.

I think I'm going to wait until both of us are in a good mood and then instigate a talk over what each of us thinks is reasonable and get a weekly plan that we can both sign up to (which may then be laminated and pinned up in the kitchen for reference. I am also going to make an effort to arrange more family stuff...and I'll see where we go from there. Wish me luck!

We have been battling with the same problems for years and they have got worse and worse and my DH now has a problem with drink that has been causing us problems as a family for about two years now. I dont know what advice to give you other than to try and nip this in the bud before it goes too far and to make time at home fun for him without drink. Please dont encourage drinking together as this is what I did by meeting him at the pub etc. I have recently been to al anon and he has stopped drinking as I gave him the ultimatum that it was the drink or me and my DS.
I hope that you can make him see that family time is far much more fun than spending it down the pub comparing notes with his labouring buddies like my DH who was exactly the same ( he is self employed so too had a free reign!)

It can get better I promise and I hope it does for you and your family . Just remember to focus on you and your DC.

Good luck, Kitty :) I'm glad you've gained a bit of clarity on it - hope your chat goes well!

I'd be kind of pissed of that your child is still at nursery when your dp, if he's finished work at clearly doesn't have chorese to do could be picking him up early - ok maybe not all the time but at least some times, instead of just going to the pub, ditto, why are you having to do the nuersery run if dp is free?

Hi Sonic

I take your point, and would be HUGELY hacked off if it was practical for DP to get DD but we've only got one car which I take to work and her nursery is only 5 mins from my work. He gets a lift home from his work partner who lives in the other direction, so happily this is one area that isn't a bone of contention! (Phew...:o).

Overall I'm thinking the positives of the whole relationship far outweigh the negatives, so want to try the strategy of nipping this in the bud and reducing the likelihood of conflict.

In all probability a scenario like that I described in my OP will happen again, but I am hopefull it will less and less often as we (DP and me) negotiate agreed boundaries. Well that's the plan - I hope I'm not back on here is an couple of months!

Cheers for all your thoughts.