wwifn can you help me with this step mum, rejecting dad issue?

[Mummiehunnie]

I have read some of your posts and respect the way you can break things down, and it seems that I can see other people's issues better than my own!

I am still from time to time struggling with the whole stepmother of my children and their rejecting father thing!

How the hell are they getting away with lieing and scapegoating me for why he does not see the children?

Why do people buy their rubbish and why do I still feel that I should show people the liars they are, i tried with his family they preferred his version of events!

Why is there this need in me to show people who he is, and expose this dangerous narc, I am not in contact with anyone who has anything to do with him, which is what he wants, so his story and his wives story is banded around, I am scapegoated and they are allowed the life they want, when I have a life I did not sign up to, 100%, 24hour parenting, I have to fight even for finances, he tore my reputation and life apart with his lies in family court to hide his behaviour, useing tranferance and projection to scapegoat me, and he got away scott free and has the life he wants, when I have the angry children and a low level of anger at my predicament!

I have mobility issues, and that whole trauma made me look at my life in general and go into therapy and everything has changed, not of my choice and not to my liking, I feel unable to make concrete decisions not sure if i am hiding behind this or not, but finances and housing three and a half years still not sorted out in court!

I just now that I feel saddled with a mess that I alone have to clear up, and a lot of it was not just made by me, and I was wondering if you could help me see why I still feel the need to clear my name and expose him and his wife for who i see them as, and let others see that also! and let them carry some of their dirt they threw at me!

It is not eating me up all the time, just from time to time!

Mummie, sorry for not getting back to you earlier. I need to reflect for a bit on what I want to say and promise I'll get back to you either later today or tomorrow

thanks for taking the time whenwillifeelnormal!

Mummie

I just want to clarify that I have the basic details correct. Your H left for an OW, you divorced and he has re-married? As a couple, they have been battling with you through the family courts about money, not access? They have told lies about you and why your marriage ended - and people whose opinion you value, believe them and not you?

And the issue that is causing you most pain at the moment is this compulsion to set the record straight and for people to believe you?

Let me know if that is an accurate precis of your story and then have a think about this question.

Can you recall another time in your life when you weren't believed and how that felt?

In answer to your last question, as a child, my brother used to hit me and then he would cry out and pretend it was him that was hit by me, I was told off and punished when he smirked at me!!! Parents don't want to deal with a lot of dysfunction from childhood, that frustrates me, and I am sick of being scapegoated and blamed for others stuff!

Yes there is a thing for me about the record being made straight and to be believed! which I am not, and for which the children suffer, ie people like their aunts, cousins, grandparents,godparents etc... he protected himself and his new wife and threw the children under the bus to protect himself! His parents must know he is a liar and twister yet they choose to believe him over me, and there was other stuff as well, his now wife did, they did not believe the children, I was advised by chams not to take it further as it would just damage the children further, even my own cousin when I told her did not believe me and got angry at me, that was all before the nursery school woman was exposed! It was also before ex's new wife was interviewed for family court by psychiatrist and revealed her family history including her being abused by father and stepfather!

The first paragrapah is correct apart from he took me to court a while back and told lies, that has been finished it ended with him sending cafcass an email stating that he was at contact and I was not, that I should explain myself, twice he did this... It ended as I was there and so where the children, what he did not know is that both times he did the emails, I had taken numerous photo's of the children in cctv at the allotted time, place and time, when he was confronted with this, he withdrew from court process would not even go and see the judge was involved the whole time a year and a half, cafcass officer just a few months, cafcass officer believed ex not me! The last order was for no contact!

How I can move on from this and why I am still bothered by it is something I want to work through... from writing this I can see it is related to the past...

thanks for taking the time to help me see past this x

Mummie

I'm finding some of this difficult to understand. I'm sorry but I have a very chronological mind and so I wonder whether you would mind giving me some chronology to all this? Bare bones stuff will do - how long married, triggers for the break-up and how long that took, how long since etc,

I also confess I don't know what Chams means so can you explain?

Interesting that you feel the past has influenced the effect this is having on you.

I took the children to gp who I asked to refer them for counselling about a year after their father left.

Married nine years, together longer. No idea why he left, however I was diagnosed around the time he met ow and he went weird around that time, about four months before he left, kids were then diagnosed and two days later he said he was going, he left a week later, he just said he was stressed and depressed, the story later changed when I read in the psych report he stated it was me always stressed and depressed, I did get bad pmt, I was not a continual depressive he was on and off depressed for a year or so before leaving, he told me it was due to his job, he was trying to find another that paid the same! We have been apart three and a half years, he seems to resent having to support the children and me financially, he resented spending a penny on the kids from the moment he left, even spending time with them was something he did not want to do! He moved over an hour away with an awkward journey and then did not want to make it! The clues were there he was lazy visiting family, he did not want to visit his own parents much, it was me encouraging it more than him, and they told me they don't see much of him now, he and they resented the journey to see one another, the grandparents are the same as him, they want me to do all the running, I managed to handle at last the mil in the summer, I noticed that she has this thing like the ex that they want you to run around after them, i did not want to do four hours of travelling and hang around for two hours so she could see the children and ruin my health in the process, so instead I ran around after he on the phone making suggestions she could reject, that way she felt like she had me running around after her, and she was delighted at the end of the conversation, she really had no interest in seeing the children, it is sad... I hope that is making sense, they just seem to want to feel that they can have what they want and have me run around after them, it is just not about seeing the children it is the idea of it! weird!

Just to clarify the psych report was ordered for family court, he told many lies to the psych about me and our marriage, and it was after reading that, that I realised the full extent to his transfering what he did onto me and had an idea of what he was saying to people, it was after that, that I realised he was setting me up continually, so it was then I stated to take the photo's as I got the idea he was not going to show up and set me up!

Mummie, I will confess I don't think I'm equipped to help you with this and I'm sorry.

I have no real experience of some of the horrendous experiences you are describing and since I think any helper should know their limitations, this feels beyond my capabilities.

On the one hand, it seems wholly understandable that any of us would want the truth to be known and understood, but the people you refer to won't - or don't want to - accept your version of events. You can't accept that at all and it is consuming you.

It occurs that it would be helpful, if you are still having therapy, to try to find ways where it matters less. To find a way where you can negate the power these people and organisations have over you, in terms of what they believe and how it affects you.

I really do wish you well and wonder whether other posters might be better equipped in this situation, than I.

Ah thanks for taking the time.