Separation - telling our DCs and dealing with fallout?

[SadAndRelieved]

I'm an occasional poster but have name-changed for this.

I'm desperately looking for advice on how to deal with telling my teenage DCs that my DH and I are separating - particularly from anyone who has been through the ordeal.

To cut a very long story short, my DH has just dropped the bombshell that he's been having an affair for the last few months. I had some mild suspicions but had been ignoring the warning signs. Our relationship has been hanging by a thread for many years mainly due to problems with sex and intimacy which are my fault, even though I've strived and struggled to make things better - with little success, to be honest.

He says he still loves me and would rather be with me than the OW, but I know deep down, that it would be better for all parties that we split up now even though it may not be the best thing for our DCs (in the short term at least). I think my DH really wants to be with the OW, despite what he has said to me, and that ultimately she can give him what he needs; something I know I will never be able to give him, ie, I love him, but I just don't physically fancy him.

Our two DCs are young teens. I suspect that one will be OKish with the idea, the other almost certainly won't!

I'm not sure when we're planning to tell our DCs - we aren't going to mention there is an OW for now, and also not going to give too much information about the real reasons. But what can we expect in terms of fallout? How long will any feelings of resentment last? Are our DCs likely to come through it relatively unscathed in the longer term? I know it's going to be hard, I just want to be prepared.

Although I feel sad and keep crying, above all I feel a sense of relief, to be perfectly honest.

Thanks for any advice.

Can't give you any proper advice - except this - I was the OW in a relationship and my DH eventually left and we have been together for 16 years now. Both his sons were grown up but his ExW turned both her sons against him and he has no contact with either of them. They have no contact with his side of the family at all, which I find incredibly sad. One of them has at least one child who has no contact with her paternal grandfather, we have a DD who has never met her half-brothers. Affairs are crap, but not that out of the ordinary, so if you want your sons to stay in contact with their father I suppose you need to tread carefully. They will eventually find about the OW, I suppose it is your reaction to the situation that will have the most direct effect on them. You say you feel relief, which is probably a good thing in the long run. Best of luck.

Sad I am sorry to read your post.

I had this situation with my 11 and 13 year olds and agonised over how they would react.

They took it incredibly well and in hindsight I can see they were aware of the unhappiness in our marriage.

We both did all the right things which I am sure you are very aware of like keeping ow out of the picture for the first few weeks and then easing her in , both of us are careful not to bad mouth the other and whilst we do not see one another I will always ask how their time with their Dad went etc and make sure references to him are pleasant.

We also sorted proper access arrangements from the start and they had a hand in choosing things for their new room at Dads and know he is on hand if needed and that they have plenty of set time to see him.

I have had a up and down year and there were many times I would have loved to make snidey remarks or tell the dc all about their Dads affair and its vile initially hearing about roast meals ,days out etc involving ow. I resisted temptation though and I am really glad.

Lastly I ask them from time to time when it can be worked in naturally how they are doing with it all and so far so good.

Good luck

My H and I told our 14 year old daughter on Sunday that we will be separating. We told her together although he actually told her (it's at his instigation that we are splitting up).

She cried quite a lot and we found ourselves all hugging together and crying as well. The first initial question was 'why' and I said to her that it's something that happens and that there was no-one else involved (there isn't). I think it's a good idea to let them thing that there isn't - there's less chance of 'blame'.

We have told her that it will happen and there's nothing she did to cause it but also that there's nothing she can do to change the situation.

She also knows that she can talk to either of us without feeling disloyal to the other one and that we both love her. We have agreed between us that we will keep things as amicable as possible and she will not be involved in any difficult bits around money and house etc.

She has permission to talk to anyone she likes about it and told a whole load of her chums yesterday, with tears, all of whom were nice to her. She seems remarkably okay just now. I know it won't all be plain sailing but I can only do what I think is best.

I truly believe that if you are adult and reasonable about it (in front of them even if you don't feel like it yourself) then it will be easier all round.

Any further fall out I have about it from my daughter, well I'll just have to find out how to deal with that as I go along.

Many thanks for replying.

I should have said that both my DH and I accept that it's a case of 'six of one, half a dozen of the other' in taking blame for the breakdown. I have effectively driven him into the arms of another woman, but he has spent the last few months lying to me and deceiving me. I think we've both agreed that neither will 'bad mouth' the other to anyone particularly the DCs.

I just don't want my 'still very impressionable' DCs to know that I have hang-ups and their dad is having an affair whilst playing happy families, well, not yet and at least until he finds somewhere else to live.

We've already discussed the possiblity of our DC getting to know the OW's DC sometime in the future (but obviously the thought of it makes my heart heave ATM).

As you said, gettingeasier, I think my DC know there are problems - we've dropped a few hints, so it won't be a major surprise to them. Fortunately for all of us, the financial side of it means they will not 'go without' and hopefully they will have two nice homes to make use of.

Also, I've resisted asking too much about the OW as it's still too raw, but it seems she is very serious and has been let down in the past, so I almost feel I have to make him leave.

Thanks again - the replies are much appreciated.

I was 12 when my parents split up and all i felt was relief. Your strategy of not bad mouthing each other is exactly right - my Dad never did but my mum used to slag him off all the time and he certainly came off best with us at the time.

Shoormal, I've only just read your post and I'm really sorry that you're going through almost exactly the same as me. I hope you're OK, I suppose we all have to be strong, we have no choice. Hugs coming your way.

I agree that it's good to let my DCs think there's no-one else involved as I don't want them to turn against my DH when it's not really his fault. We will definitely be telling them all together.

My added problem is that I have absolutely no-one to talk to about this. I feel I've bottled up my emotions for years and it's a relief to let it all pour out. I'm planning on telling my parents asap, who will be naturally devastated.

Thanks again, it's reassuring (if that's the right word) to know that I'm not the only one going through this crappy stuff or has already been through it and come out the other side.

gingerkirsty, thanks for telling me about your own personal experience - you are absolutely right and I will resist temptation at any cost.

I should have mentioned, we have one girl and one boy and it's my DD I worry about as she's a daddy's girl so I'm worried she may blame me (even though I know she loves us both). Time will tell.

Coatgate, I forgot to say, thank you for giving me the perspective from the OW point of view.

I definitely don't have any feeling of loathing towards my DH's OW and the things you describe have consolidated my feelings and thoughts about the way we're going to proceed in moving on with our lives - I know it's going to be difficult though.

Thanks Sad - I felt a bit exposed having told of my experiences from the other side. Anything you can do to smooth the way for your DCs. I have often said that if my DH had had a DD with his first wife, she would have kept in touch just to see what I was like and report back, women being nosier than men ime. Sorry that you don't have anyone to talk with in RL - I always find talking stuff through endlessly with friends a very cathartic experience. Can you try writing it down?

coatgate, I've just been re-reading your first reply and realised that it must still be heartbreaking for your DH not to have had any contact with his sons and grandchild/ren over the last 16 years. I would hate that to happen to my DH and I know it's vital his relationship with our DCs remains in tact and that they still love him and want to see him. We'll both work hard to make that happen.

Incidentally, I've discovered my DH's OW has a DC the same age as one of mine, so hopefully they can become friends (let's just say, I would never try to prevent that happening).

There are one or two friends that I can possibly talk to, but I'm not quite ready yet. Once I've spoken to my parents and then told my DCs, I think it'll make it easier to talk about outside the immediate family.

Just writing it all down on MN has helped a lot!

Sad I think the attitude you are displaying here suggests your dc will be fine.

Get support as soon as you feel able to it helps put that brave face on in front of them when you be feeling anything but

Hi Sad I'm back - posted quite quickly earlier and I think I should have said more.

My mum was having an affair with my now stepdad. Things are great now but at the time she was doing it 'secretly' but it was blatantly obvious to my young self. This made her slating of my Dad all the more hard to handle even though his behaviour 'drove' her to seek comfort elsewhere. When I was about 15 I eventually challenged her on it (they had been officially together for a while by then IIRC) and she went nuts, telling me it was none of my business. I was furious, and I still to this day think it was wrong of her to say that. OF COURSE it was my business, when it broke my parents up. The fact they never got on in my memory doesn't negate that!

Take from that what you will, I am not entirely sure what I am trying to say but I remember my child's viewpoint so vividly and I hope it gives you some kind of perspective.

FWIW whilst I am not saying you should tell your DCs about the affair, if later down the line they find out the truth about timings, I would guess they will be very very angry (with both of you for not telling the truth, as well as with DH for having the affair) and there will be severe fallout to deal with.

I suppose I also wonder whether they might have picked up on anything if you have had 'mild suspicions' yourself.

I should also add that I am so so sorry you are going through this, didn't say that earlier but I hope that posting in itself said that IYSWIM! FWIW you sound like a lovely Mum. x

Gettingeasier, thanks, I will be hopefully seeking out support in the next few days and yes the 'brave face' thing is very hard, but I know it's for the best.

Gingerkirsty, thanks for the additional info and also sharing your very painful childhood experience, and you're right, of course it was your business and I can see why you would have vivid memories about that part of your life.

It definitely puts a new perspective on things (given that my DCs are around the same age as you were) because yesterday my DH confessed that he had already met the OW's DC and that this child thinks he is her boyfriend and that he doesn't live with us any more. I'm not sure how this situation occurred, but it could ultimately come back to haunt us both with regard to my DCs possibly working out timings, etc. So it's something we need to consider very seriously.

It's also a good point that they might have picked up on stuff already as my DS keeps saying "is dad out again?!" which, until a few days ago, I thought was all work-related.

Thanks for the kind words at the end of your post.

Hi Sad just popped back to see how you are - have you done the deed yet or are you waiting for the weekend? Hope you are bearing up ok.

Hi ginger, thank you for asking how I am.

I'm not too bad, but feel sick through lack of food at the moment - weightloss is no bad thing, but I need to try and keep my strength up.

Things have taken an unexpected turn. Yesterday I very gently broached the subject with my eldest DC along the lines of; had they noticed that dad and I were not getting on, how would they feel if we lived apart (stressing that it would only be a worst case scenario). I was unprepared for the reaction which was complete shock and lots of tears, which I should have anticipated and I found myself having no choice but to backtrack somewhat to make them feel better as it was just too heart-wrenching. I also had a similar conversation with my youngest DC, but kept it very low-key (I had to do this, because my eldest DC wanted me to tell their younger sibling so as not to carry any burden or secret alone). Again there were tears, but I think they are both OK for the time being.

Neither DC know about the affair or my intimacy problems, and that's the way both DH and I want to play it, otherwise one of us is likely to be blamed entirely for the break-up if/when it happens.

This may not have been the best tactic, but it has made me realise that my DCs happiness is the most important thing, and although I felt relieved to begin with, I now know that it's going to be almost impossible to put them through the ordeal unless we absolutely HAVE to. They had NO idea of any issues - despite what I thought previously - and I firmly believe that a family break-up could crush them completely. Added to that, both DC are at a crucial time regarding school/exams, and I think our timing could not be any worse, TBH.

Again, I'm cutting a long story short, but we are now in a situation of weighing up our next move. DH has said again, that he would rather have me than the OW, and I believe him. Apart from the physical problems, we actually get on quite well most of the time and don't really argue much.

This time yesterday, I thought we were separating, but now things could be moving in another direction. There is still the fact that the OW may deliver an ultimatum, and I don't know how DH will react to that, nor does he.

I'll keep you posted if there's any developments. For now, we are all in a reasonably good place, iyswim.

Try to eat small regular amounts if you can, getting ill won't help you get through this!

I am glad you are feeling in a better place now.

Having said that, I can't help but think that your DH is contradicting himself.

If he would rather have you, and therefore not break your marriage up, presumably he must stop seeing OW and you will get counselling together to help sort out your intimacy issues? That is a simplistic outside view I know but seems the only route that makes sense.

So how can he then say he's not sure how he'd feel if she issued an ultimatum?

Or do I have this completely wrong and you are thinking he will continue seeing OW whilst remaining married to you?

Sorry if I am raining on your parade, I don't mean to but I am concerned that your children's reaction may be making you feel you must accept something which will make you miserable.

ginger, yes you're right about the only route that makes sense. But, it is not quite so simplistic in that, on the one hand, I'm not convinced the intimacy issues are 're-solvable' and, on the other hand, I know I'm not capable of breaking my DCs' hearts.

Of course the third option you mention is also unthinkable, but my DH was just wondering about his reaction if she delivers an ultimatum and whether he would waiver on his resolve, and yes, it is contradictory I suppose. To be honest, we haven't really discussed the OW, the main topic has been our DCs. At this moment, I don't know what my DH's thoughts are about when and how to sever ties with the OW. There is still lots to discuss but I feel so knackered I can't think straight at times.

But I agree that counselling is essential. And don't worry about raining on my parade, your advice is invaluable.

I'm eating small regular amounts just as you suggested, and that's definitely making me feel better.

Oh I just want to give you a big hug, but would I get barred from MN?

Life is never simple, is it. It sounds like there is a lot of :( stuff in the background for you, too.

Try to be kind to yourself, you are emotionally exhausted, probably not sleeping and have so much to deal with. See if you can have a nice bath tonight and try to get a good sleep in.

Your marriage is many many years long - take your time to decide between you where you go next. There is no rush and it is better to give yourselves time to get your heads round things.

{{{hugs}}}

Thank you so much and your hugs are gratefully accepted .

I'm taking you down with me - they'll ban both of us now

Just want to add that I think you are dealing with the separation so well. You are putting the children first. The children will be upset - sadly no way to avoid that - and they will be afraid of the changes, they will have perceptions of what will happen. If you do decide to go your separate ways, which feels so sad and I really hope the issues can be resolved, then talk to the children about what they are afraid of. Often children have worries that we don't even think of.

Thanks houseproject. I would've replied sooner but I've been spending ages reading other similar threads to get more information and advice.

Your point about talking to the children about what they are afraid of is an important one and I get where you're coming from. I'm still hoping it won't come to that.

At the moment, I'm waiting for an appointment at Relate (on my own to begin with).

Regarding DH and the OW, that's still unresolved at this moment. But I feel OKish and my DC seem to be fine after the little wobble the other day.