MIL babysitting over night. she doesnt like DD

[LeopardSkinPillBoxHat]

Hello, I was hoping some people out there could help me out with some advice please, here goes.... MIL bought Dh and myself a night away at a hotel for Dh's birthday, she told dh she would babysit our 2 dd's, Im not comfortable with this at all, she only see's my dd's on birthdays maybe 2 other times during the year, and she only lives 20 minutes away! (owns her own shop, always too busy to visit) .. when we see her she doesnt give my eldest any fuss or attention, and snaps at her quite alot (she's 5) we went to visit her one time, she brought out her camera, took heeps of pictures of my youngest who's 2 and one picture of my eldest, and that was the back of her head, and sent them all to us via email.. I find this odd! one time when she was over for a birthday, she pulled my eldest on to her lap who was 4 at the time, and my daughter yelled aw your pinching me, and was trying to wriggle away from her,... granny pulled her back on to her lap, and my daughter said again, ouch your hurting me... I didnt know what to say, but managed to distact my dd.. I have mentioned this to dh, he is a Mummy's boy, and tells me Im being stupid and ends in a huge row.. I know she doesnt really like me , I worked for her once but quit because of the way she talked to me.. like a 10 year old, ( calling me a silly girl when I made a little mistake) and always says bitchy things when I see her... Im good at ignoring her, and I dont let it get to me.. I dont see her enough for it to effect me.... Sorry this is sooo long... I cant stop thinking about leaving my dd's with her, Im worried... My dh has already confirmed it all with her.. I dont know what to do.. Im tempted to be conveniently ill that day... Ive told dh I not happy with this, he says tuff, its all arranged.. aaargh

Has she bought you the hotel stay in order to have the dds overnight, in some sort of passive aggressive act of control freakery?

Can you take the dds to the hotel - pay for an upgrade to a family room?

Who normally babysits - can they do it?

Can you arrange for your dd to conveniently be invited to sleep over at a friend's house that same night?

It would bother me too.

The only seeing them a couple of times a year is in itself not going to prevent your DDs having a good relationship with their Gran. My parents live over 2000km away and they adore my DC, and viceversa. Since she only lives 20 miles away, it is strange.

Your husband does not notice that she treats your DDs differently?

Hmmm.... she's booked a table for a meal in the evening at the hotel, not a kiddie friendly place.. my kids often stay with my Dad when we need a babsitter, Ive already had a row with dh about her babysitting, and getting my old man to do it instead.. but dh kicked off.. how would I tell MIL that I dont want her to babysit?.. I dont think it would go down well! I wish life was straight forward

the husband doesnt seem that bothered tbh , he believes that she is really busy with work.. he really doesnt like me saying anything negative about her.

when is it booked for? could you invite MIL over for lunch soon before and tell DH to watch how she is with DD1?

If you're really not happy with it, you can always refuse to go. Or the idea of DD1 staying at a friend's that night is a good one.

yeah!.. thats a good idea Fakeplastictrees, that I shall do, thank you for your replies! x

I would get a friend to invite DD1 for a sleepover - opps it's the same night - that's a shame

However, I wouldn't have this problem because I wouldn't be with a man who thinks that the behaviour his Mum displays with your children is 'fine' & who dismissed my feelings out of hand.

Frankly, I'd be quite concerned about the state of your relationship....

I'm not clear on one thing - you know when you mention that your daughter said ow and that she was pinching her - do you believe that she did that on purpose? That your mil was intentionally pinching her?

well, yes i do. This is the thing, its not like my daughter to make things up, I know she is very young. It was very strange at the time, ... I didnt know what to make of it, but I could see that my daughter was uncomfortable, which was why I distracted dd and got her get her favourite book for me. My dh things Im being paranoid.

That's what I thought. That's really disturbing.

tbh, I'd not let them stay.

And if your husband chose mummy dearest over his wife and kids, that says a lot about him.

"Tough, it's all arranged"

Er, no.

You are not 5, you do not have to have your life arranged by the real grown ups. You are an adult. Inform them that you will not be going. Don't go. End of problem

Well i have a similar tale to tell about my ds and my mum (my sisters too, non of them like ds)

As it is my job to protect my child from harm/distress/needless upset, as ds is totally reliant on me for this i keep him away from all of them.

They never see him, never ask about him, never bring him up in conversation. My mum may see him twice a year for no more that a few minutes never alone.

I am afraid that i would not be leaving my child in this environment, if it caused a row so be it, i would be prioritising my childs welfare over hurting any feelings.

So question is how to do it with as little disturbance as possible. So who do you have around you that you would feel comfortable leaving your child with over night?

Laloony , how awful! dd's often stay over with my Dad .. I think I will phone mil with an excuse, ie family down with my Dad on that weekend..or something along those lines

It is awful lepard, so i can empathise with you.

I would rather not go tbh!

It sounds a nice gesture, a night away, but tbh (& I´m probably unusual), but I think I´d be pissed off at this present, unless I´d hinted about wanting/needing time away.

Children don´t have to be left with or sleep at GPs.
As far as I´m concerned it´s optional.

And I would be concerned at a GM pulling back a child who clearly didn´t want to be sitting on her lap.

Not surprised as it´s the sort of thing my MIL would have done.

TBH Ils lost interest in their only grandchildren once they couldn´t be controlled.

It's one of those situations, isn't it, when if you just hear the bare facts and didn't know you had Issues with the MIL you'd say "oh, isn't that kind". As it is, though, it's like Hecate says, disturbing. This "it's all arranged" like you don't have a say in it, isn't it supposed to be a present for you? It sounds more like a kidnapping!

That said, if you really can't get out of it, it's most unlikely that your DDs will suffer any harm from staying over with MIL just the once. If they don't enjoy it they don't have to do it again. The 5-year-old is old enough to tell you if anything goes on that she really doesn't like. I'm just being comforting here though, as I wouldn't want to leave DCs with anyone I didn't fully trust either. And whatever they say, you don't have to. It's just a question of whether it's worth taking a stand over.

This is difficult but I would echo what others have said. You can make an excuse this time but it will come up again. I think you are best saying to DH 'it's not going to happen because it makes me feel very uncomfortable, due to {reasons you have stated here}. if you want to go sway I'll get my father to babysit and if not then fine. Just tell MIL the truth. I accept this is going to be really hard but these things are always better faced head on. MIL sounds awful and if she did actually pinch your daughter then that is child abuse.

I wouldn't leave my child with her. My then 5 year old told us he was pinched by a friend of his dads. His dad and a few other mates laughed it off, but the friend came in from the next room and I just know he did it. He looked a bit panicky. I also then wondered why he kept offering to babysit etc. So you can pinch my child some more don't think so!!