DH doing lots of fairly minor things but i'm feeling resentful and don't know how to handle it

[BurningBuntingFlipFlop]

It's also a bit of an aibu really i suppose.

I feel like i'm nagging, a lot. Dh is driving me mad though. This morning is just an example;

Ds (3) gets in our bed every night at some point. This morning dh's alarm went off at 6.30 (to go to the gym before work) it woke ds up who immediately said he was hungry and wanted to watch tv. Dh said he wasn't going to the gym so going back to sleep. So i'm expected to get up with him for the day while dh goes back to sleep for an hour when his alarm woke ds! Now, the same happened yesterday but i forgave it as dh went to the gym. So my day started an hour earlier than it needed to.

me - well can you get ds dressed and take him downstairs to get some krispys (he will only eat them dry) while watching milkshake please.
dh - no.
me - your alarm woke him, i don't have to get up usually until 7.30 to get ds to nursery.
dh - it's not my fault that he's in our bed.
me - and it's mine??
dh - well this will happen every day because i'm going to the gym every morning.
me - that's ridiculous.
dh - why did you let me join the gym then (!)

Eventually he took him downstairs and i dozed for 10 mins before getting a shower, mmyself dressed, dd dressed, dd's breakfast, fed the cat,cleaned it's tray out, loaded the dishwasher before taking ds to pre school. Dh went back to sleep and then got ready and went to work.

petty stuff like this is always doing my head in. i don't know how to speak to him about it. I know he works and i have more time now ds has started pre school but i still have a 1 year old all day. He does nothing

First of all I would stop your child getting into bed with you.
Secondly, when you say he does nothing, do you mean he doesn't go to work? or does he do nothing around the house?
6.30 isn't that early IMO, but I am one of the queer breed who prefer early mornings to late nights. The last sentance wasn't helpful, but you seem to be getting angry because you think it is.

I think I would be annoyed as well - but tbh, I think I would probably have taken it turns to return DS to his bed so that wasn't an issue in the morning. Why is he setting his alarm and then not going? That would piss me off.

He should be doing something around the house, I agree. Yes, you have more time at home than him and so will probably do the lions share, but have discussed a few things that you would like him to do? Probably needs to be clear to avoid the 'but I didn't know that needed doing?' get out clause I hear that people (men...) use from other threads on here.

It's not that early if my children wake, or i need to get up. It's that they don't wake until 7/7.30 and i don't need to be up until then. He does nothing in the house. I wish i could stop him coming into our bed but how?? We don't even know he's got in usually. My dd is still up in the night most nights, teething, just had a cold etc so getting up an hour earlier than i need to seems unfair when a) he just wants to go to the gym every morning and b) he just went back to sleep today!

Don't be mad at me for my suggestion! But, if you have a lot to do early - you mentioned dishwasher, school run etc. Do it with good grace, just make sure you can have a nap, eat a cake, do what you want etc. later in the day. Put the child thats at home down for a nap. Then think "poor DH stuck at work, mmmm this cake is lovely think I'll watch a DVD". Or whatever!

It works for me. Might not work for someone else...

i would be pissed off too. i think it is only fair that if his alarm is responsible for waking ds then he should get him dressed and feed him and let you sleep on til 7.30 or til whenever he has to leave the house. and especially as he wasn't going to gym this morning he could have just lay down on the sofa with him if he was still tired. he shouldn't have set the alarm if he wasn't going. what age is ds? could you put a stairgate on his door or your door so you would hear him trying to get in and then take him back to his bed?

He's 3.5 so climbs etc. I have shut our bedroom door before and he just goes mental, wakes dd and then just keeps coming back down (his room is attic room) all night anyway!

Just spoke to dh who was calling for a chat and he's all chatty/happy and i was a bit off and he asked why and i explained, again, and he says why are you always getting at me (feel like his mother) and then he says well you tell me when i'm allowed to go to the gym (mother again) so i said you are a grown man with the same responsibilities as me, i'm sure you can figure it out for yourself. I think 3 times a week is enough gym for anyone really! Once at weekend, one evening and one morning.

burning are you married to my ex???

we have had exactly the same converstaion wrt the gym. unfortunately for us it wasn't solveable so we called it a day because as you say, i felt like all i was doing was nagging and he felt he could do no right.

i think you should have a good think about what it is that you think is the problem, sounds like he is leaving the kids and house to you and shirking his portion of the responsibility (IME this is a very hard thing to get across to him because in his own mind it is your job to do all that and he wil do it but he will make excuses and resent it so that in the end you just do it all).

but do have that long think. and write it all down if it helps. tell him you both need to talk about the current situation and ask him what he feels is the problem. listen to what he says but make sure you let him know what you feel about it. agree on a actions that you are both going to take. for me it was that i agreed not to nag. just tell him what needed done, but tbh i resented the fact that i had to point out obvious stuff like hanging out the washing.

May involve a few nights of pain with DS - rapid return/no talking or eye contact. Will be a pain but worth it.

Best talking about it fact to face with DH. Don't let him do the passive/aggressive thing he is currently doing. Need to sit down without kids and a glass of wine and just approach it in a calm but assertive manner. (Easier said than done I know!)

booyhoo i don't even feel like i know what the problen is anymore. I just feel like it's a constant stream of me feeling irked and nagging. But i love him and it's all so minor but gets you down. He has a very stressful job and had a breakdown last year. He's on antids and he feels the gym really helps him mentally do his job. He doesn't get home until 7.30ish every night. BUT i know he is at work, so i can't be pissed off. I do ALL of the childcare and housework and i'm doing a OU course when i can fit it in.

I've lost a grip of what is reasonably/unreasonable wrt sharing of duties. I do know that my duties are 24hrs and his are from 9-6.30 though.

There is the other issue of him not showing me any affection other than as a prequel to sex that does my head in too.

oh god this is sooo familiar. after we had split we spoke again about what exactly were the problems and neither of us could say one specific thing. we jsut both felt that there was a constant argument either brewing or one we were trying to tiptoe round.

he sex thing rings a bell too.

i get the fact that he works so you feel that you should do the household stuff but only until he gets home. when he is home it should be shared. he should allow you time to do your OU stuff the same way he gets time to go to the GYM. does your budget allow you to get childcare for even one day a week so that you can study?

BBFF - Sorry, my advice was meant purely for dealing with annoyance at thoughtlessness. Like how not to let things build up and to take time to enjoy yourself.

What you describe further is a bit more serious sounding and takes in more areas of your life than just waking you up early and being thoughtless. Reframing techniques are probably not going to fix that!

Sorry again.