Am I a jealous paranoid wife?

[YummyorSlummy]

I know I am btw! But I'm annoyed at dh and don't know whether to say anything to him or not. Basically a few months ago he went away on a course for a couple of days, and me being the insecure person I am I asked him not to meet up with females while he was away (I know, serious self esteem issues here!) and he went away and returned and nothing was ever said. Anyhow fast forward to yesterday when we were with friends, and he was just talking about the course he went on, and he mentioned in an off handed way that he had lunch with a woman (married army woman) who he'd been talking to on the course. I know I'm overreacting but he never told me about this which I think is a bit unfair, and also why couldn't he have just talked to a man instead and had lunch?!
I know I'm being overly jealous here but I need somewhere to vent! Should I say something to him or just leave it? We had a row the other day (over something else entirely!) and have just made up and I don't want to start another one!

Sorry, but the poor man kept it from you because he thought it would upset you, and having lunch with someone else on the course, female or otherwise, is perfectly normal.

I think you need to sort out your jealousy issues rather than confront him for something that, in any other relationship, would be perfectly acceptable.

Has he cheated on you in the past? What are your reasons for being so paranoid? I think counselling is your first port of call, along with explaining to him how you feel and that you know it is unfair of you to impose unrealistic boundaries on him like that, but that you are struggling to cope.

Good luck :)

HI
its a difficult one, but i can totally appreciate where you are coming from.
I personally dont think you should say anything, i would work on your own self esteem otherwise it is going to drive him away. he is YOUR DH at the end of the day and wouldnt it be nice if he felt he could tell you things without you reacting. he did only have lunch and she is married. i would try to work on your own issues before it eats you up. how would he feel if you had lunch with married man, do you feel you would be able to tell him?
seems like there are deeper issues here. BUT, as i said i know where you are coming from. :-)

Thanks looploops I did have a feeling I was being a little bit unfair on dh but think I needed to here it from someone else! Dh has never cheated on me or given me reason to think he'd be unfaithful, but he does have a close bunch of female friends who he's known since childhood (amongsy his male friends!) and I have to admit I struggle with that sometimes! I did have problems with jealousy even before I met dh and in other relationships and think I need to deal with it, its just very hard to know whether I'm being rational. To top it off we live overseas and I'm at home all day with ds so things sometimes seem a little out of perspective!

Single1ds I think dh would be fine if I had lunch with a married man if it was a work situation. He's quite trusting and doesn't get jealous too easily (unless he thinks I fancy somebody!. I do think I really need to work on my self esteem and jealousy issues. He is a lovely man and I don't want to drive him away.

Leave it!

The more you try to police his behaviour, the more there is for him to inadvertently go against and the less inclined he'll be to be open about it.

It's difficult when self esteem issues are involved, I know, but your issues don't permit you to control him, paranoia is no excuse ...and I'm not having a go.

There's a difference between reasonable boundaries and compromise v unreasonable expectations and demands - which expecting that he doesn't socialise at all with other women would probably be considered

Yes, love, I think you are over-reacting here

And I am someone who is often suspicious of the motives behind male/female friendships

The scenario you describe though sounds perfectly reasonable and although it is not great he lied by omission, I can see why he did it

You sound quite lonely, it is soul destroying to have too much time alone for the doubts to start creeping in

Is there no way you could widen your own social circle ?

The poor man was scared to tell you..think you need to work on your issues.

are you a forces wife?

Yes, forces wife here! I do think that I'm a bit isolated over here and feel quite lonely. I do need to try and widen my social circle a bit but I'm quite shy and find it difficult. I end up staying at home a lot which I'm really quite cross at myself about as it's not fair on ds either.So when I'm alone with ds the mind tends to wander, and I have a big imagination! I know I need to try and work on these issues, but I don't really know where to start. I've been this way since my teens.

It sounds unlikely from the information given that he is cheating. But he could be. He always could be. BUT you cannot police his behaviour. If he is cheating, or if he is going to cheat, and he wants to, then he will. And you won't be able to stop him. The best thing that you can do is to work on your own issues for yourself, so that your mind isn't crazy with what-ifs all the time.

Take your time, make some new friends, start some activities, and see someone about your self esteem.

I don't think that what your husband has done is deceitful. Sounds to me like he knows you are insecure and hid it from you. You cannot control him, but this also doesn't mean that that he can do what he likes.

You're his jailer.