Do you have problems bringing up issues with your DH ?

[cloudedview]

My timing is always 'wrong' apparently. Oh and so are half the things I want to discuss. Firstly the kind of issues I might want to talk about are sometimes 'boring' things or they could just be things to do with our relationship and how I am feeling about them.

DH is very involved in the fun bits of family life (2 young DCs) and I deal with the structure behind it - I don't have a huge issue with this (bills, etc) but when it comes to the bigger things about money, the future etc then I think it's a joint thing that needs discussing. I also think it's important in a relationship to be able to speak up about things that I may be unhappy with.. but when I do I am greeted with 'look I'm really tired, I just want to watch TV and switch off.. so then I think 'ok so maybe the weekend is a good time ' and I get 'Look its the weekend - do you HAVE to bring this up now ?'

Sometimes situations are completely turned round on me so that I become the issue (ie my timing, or the fact that I may be upset about something that he doesn't see as important ) and end up looking like I am in the wrong / over-reacting or the 'boring' one whereas actually - he was the issue in the first place - Is this just a clever diversion strategy on his part ?

I have feelings about things ie he got back v late last night and I only got a text -saying he was at work and then he took his workmate for a beer as he was having problems in his personal life - but when I bring it up with him - I am likely to be met with 'Look - I'm really stressed at work at the moment - I don't need all this as well' type reaction. Then I am left questioning if I 'should' have been feeling as if I am not important and pissed off with him and 'yes - I suppose he is really stressed'.

I am always questioning if I what I am feeling is valid, trying to see things from his point of view, cut him some slack. Its not like I am met with fierce anger - more just a dismissive tone - which I dislike almost as much.

Does anyone else have this and how do you deal with it ?

swim, I didn't mean "selfish" in quite that context

I worded it badly

I meant that she has to look out for herself now, because he ain't gonna do it

I totally agree with you

clouded, I was you a couple of years ago. Spookily so. I lost all sense of what was valid, totally identify with your OP - he would never discuss anything either and in the end, the feeling of walking on eggshells was unbearably stressful. I was constantly worried he would leave.

And then one day he did, I was left with 2 very small dc's and I promise you my life actually got better from that point onwards. I'm in a totally different relationship now, and can see my bully of an ex for what he was. I'm really glad you're having individual counselling, I found it really useful. Don't put up with this, life is way too short. You can co-parent without having to be in a relationship with one another.

clouded, I wanted to say what fruity just said, but shied away from really putting the boot in and hurting you

but I get the feeling he is going to leave you in the end anyway

where there is no respect, there is very little emotional attachment

Oh your responses are getting me through tonight.huge row about himnot 'feeling connected' to me for various reasons ending in me leaving the house for a walk to get away from the mess we're in.I feel as if whatever I do to try and get things back on track , the goalposts move and I am never somehow quite doing the right thing in his eyes.I don't think I will ever live up to what he wants and not sure I will ever feel loved and respected by him.I was expecting to be in floods of tears as I walked round the block fifteen times And bought my first packet of fags in seven years (!) but I feel a strange sense of calm- like if this is it then actually the emotional trauma of trying to work at is just too stressful and I will never be what he wants me to be anyway.I feel worn out from making an effort with someone who has shat all over me-because I didn't understand him.it's really scary but maybe I just have to accept that it's over.

Oh your responses are getting me through tonight.huge row about himnot 'feeling connected' to me for various reasons ending in me leaving the house for a walk to get away from the mess we're in.I feel as if whatever I do to try and get things back on track , the goalposts move and I am never somehow quite doing the right thing in his eyes.I don't think I will ever live up to what he wants and not sure I will ever feel loved and respected by him.I was expecting to be in floods of tears as I walked round the block fifteen times And bought my first packet of fags in seven years (!) but I feel a strange sense of calm- like if this is it then actually the emotional trauma of trying to work at is just too stressful and I will never be what he wants me to be anyway.I feel worn out from making an effort with someone who has shat all over me-because I didn't understand him.it's really scary but maybe I just have to accept that it's over.

ohhh, you poor thing

those lightbulb moments can be such a horrible revelation

it does sound like you could never please him...and so soul-destroying to have to keep trying

maybe you need to start pleasing yourself ?

Cloudedview it sounds like this is all very complicated and I really wish you luck and strength with sorting it out.

I just wanted to post because there may be others out there who, like me, identified with your first post.

I too have had huge issues with talking about stuff with DH and it has caused big problems in the past, with me being frightened to bring things up and waiting for the right time for say a year! Or else not saying anything and this causing big problems in itself.

Anyway, recently we have agreed to set aside an hour on Monday nights to talk over anything we need to discuss. TBH I still get moans from him about something I bring up being unworthy of discussion but it is working up to a point.

We have some way to go and I think this is a tiny part of a huge problem area for us but I just wanted to share the a"appointment" idea which may work for some. xx

Yes I do.and as I type this I am peering over the side of the Moses basket next to my bed and see my beautiful 13 week old son and feel a mixture of extreme gratidude that he is here ( I didn't even think I could go through with the pregnancy when I found out ax he had only left me a week earlier) and absolute fear of the future all at once...but if you ask me what makes me truely happy - it's my two DC's and they wl be here with me whatever happens.

take comfort from them, cv

they are a constant source of unconditional love x

cloudedview, you have received excellent advice so far, so I just wanted to add my voice to hope this situation resolves itself in the best way as soon as possible. You sound as you are hurting deeply, and I recognize my old self in you. Some years ago I was in a relationship with a person that also turned everything I said into a reason to get angry at me (sometimes I felt I didn't have the right to be angry, even when it was not at him, because HE got angry if I was). After a while I just avoided bringing up stuff, and that ended affecting me deeply, as I am a person who needs to talk things out. However, we had no kids together, and the decision to leave him was much easier for me than it is for you.

But let me assure you, if you leave him not only you will have your DC, but you will find many, many more things you enjoy in life, and that you weren't doing right now because of this situation. You will find loads of stuff that makes you truly happy :)

A big hug and my best wishes

We had the "not feeling connected" conversations too. It later emerged that for him, there was someone else on the scene that he was obviously feeling more connected to.. I think it was all part of the justification process - he needed to prove there was no life left in our marriage in order to be able to manage the guilt of leaving a young family for someone else.

I don't mean to scare you here, that was very much my experience and yours will be different. Ironically I don't actually see it as being such a bad thing now, as it saved me from any more years of being in an unhealthy relationship. It also explained so much odd behaviour, I was quite relieved to make sense of it all.

I know timing-wise things are very hard for you, but I think you're doing exactly the right thing in trying to bring this to a head. It will either shake up and revitalise your marriage, or stop you wasting time and becoming progressively more miserable. Keep posting, many of us really understand how horrid it is.

thanks so much everyone. Its keeping me going and TNMFS Yes i am not ruling out the prospect of OW being back on the scene but he has seemed to be genuinely trying at things... I'm not sure. Anyway when I said he had moved back in thats not exactly the case. He has been staying in the spare room for the last 2 weeks and my DD (3) has not known this (we leave early to go to the childminders)... this has not been ideal but the only thing I could come up with that allowed us to spend lots of time together (the friend he had been staying with lives over an hour away) and not tell our daughter he was moving in in case things didn't work out.

He said last night that he is going to stay until the weekend and then go back to his friends as me 'making him' stay in the spare room and having to hear his childrens' voices in the morning without being able to see them was torturing him and that that was affecting the way he feel about me. - granted not ideal but my thoughts were for the protection of my daughter.

So that's it he's off again - once again he can ONLY think of himself - says he would die for his children but does not seem to mind them being really confused about him coming or going and as soon as I try and bring my feelings into it I seem to get blamed and stonewalled. My feelings are less important than the cat's at the moment.

Err why is he planning on staying the rest of the week ? the word hotel springs to mind - but I need him to babysit on saturday night or I think I would tell him where to go. I am so angry - how dare he think he can just come and go as he pleases - but actually Its me that's letting him at the moment isn't it ? I need to toughen up!!

cv, yes I think you do need to toughen up, love

let him go, but don't let him blame it on you

he is going again because he wants to

if he was moving heaven and earth to persuade you to let him stay, he should have the good sense to not use the kids the emotionally-blackmail you

I say...get another babysitter for Sat night and invite him to leave (as he says he wants to) now

Wise words AF and TNMFS. I know I will look back on this and see what a f*ck up he is - its just hard when you are stuck right in the middle - and taking all his shit on board (whilst trying to see through it all.) The thought of being by myself with 2 (and one only 3 months) is pretty scary - but even I can see that fear of the future is not a reason to stay in such a soul destroying situation. I am so crap at confrontation - I just want him to evaporate rather than me having to have another face to face with him.

It is a scary thought, clouded, but you can do it. I actually found it easier when H left, even though the dc's were tiny. I could do things my way and didn't need to tiptoe around him.

Agree with AF, get a babysitter and let him go asap. (I'd be very interested to know where he's going to be though.) Try to minimise any dependency you have on him for any childcare. And don't fall for any of the emotional blackmail crap either, you are doing absolutely the best you can for you and your dc's.