my hang ups are ruining my life

[napoleona]

aaargh dont know how to put this, im in a long term relationship we have kids together. But at the moment we are at a sort of impasse, if thats the right word, where we have not made love for months. we dont talk about it cos if we do we argue. we get on ok in other respects. there are probably many reasons why we are in this situation now but for my part if he touches me in the night i freeze, i almost fight him off sometimes, it makes me feel nauseous. it feels scary to me. i also felt like this in a previous marriage which basically ended that marriage. i do enjoy sex, have had very fulfilling sexual relationships in the past. but its almost as if sex with a 'close' person is dificult for me. this is going to end my relationship if i dont do something.

bumping for you

Have you spoken to a psychosexual counsellor, as this is the second marriage this has happened in for you! Does your oh touch you other than for reasons to have sex, I remember near the end of my marriage the only time i was touched was because ex wanted sex, do you cuddle up on the sofa, hold hands, touch as you brush past eather other around the home, etc that type of thing each day?

i havent spoken to anyone recently, i did years ago in my first marriage and was diagnosed as a bored housewife (that is the exact words of the psychologist)thanks for reply by the way mummiehunnie. i have been thinking about it today and i think the revulsion i feel in any sexual encounter with my husband is actually about myself not him. i feel disgusting to put it plainly. and i feel like i should fight him off! im not sure i can speak to a counsellor, this is bad enough! i dont know what is wrong with me but its not normal is it. anyway, thanks for replying. wonder if anyone knows of any books that may help me, or internet resources, anything but a face to face!!
anyway cheers for reply and reading.

sorry i meant to say we do cuddle a bit, but even that is hard for me now. poor husband. he has in the past had drink problem which basically affected his performance a lot and this didnt help. he doesnt pressurize me at all but sometimes gropes me quite forcefully whilst asleep which completely freezes me up.
other than that we are fine!

I felt like this a lot in the past too. In my case I only realised much later that it was when I felt insecure or intimidated in some way by another aspect of the relationship, that is when I would get these feelings of revulsion and automatically pushing XP (more than one ex) away. I felt at the time like it was the sexual things which ended the relationship but actually, looking back, the relationship was going downhill and the sex for me was a symptom of that. I am very sensitive to it and the first hint of something not being quite right I get this awful sexual fear/paranoia almost. My partner could be doing something really vanilla/behaving in a respectful manner (but still initiating sex) and I would just jerk out and push him away and it wasn't even conscious, if that makes sense.

I really felt it was me as well, but I don't think it was completely - the issues were still there, but very greatly reduced when I started seeing someone new after I split up with XP.

So I don't know what the rest of your relationship is like but that was what the problem was for me, and still is. I have to feel 100% secure and safe with someone before I can do anything. If there is the slightest thing wrong elsewhere (even if I am not aware of it) then it triggers this fear of sex, almost, in me.

that is really helpful Bertie thanks and im amazed that anyone identifies at all with me! yes i do think with me it is quite possibly a symptom of something else, it feels like a fear, i do feel this strong revulsion ( i actually felt like being sick lierally during sex sorry thats tmi) i do have sexual feelings like everyone else but the actual act itself if i think about it i just want to scream! we do have issues in our relationship which are not being addressed so i guess thats the answer. many many thanks.

I have had this repulsion reaction with most of my exes. In my experience, this happens when everything is at a complete end. My friends have all had the same thing and agree that when this happens there is no going back. Sorry to put such a downer on it, but once I am repulsed by someone, I can't even bear them to touch me, never mind have sex with me.

he doesnt pressurize me at all but sometimes gropes me quite forcefully whilst asleep

Sorry , i dont understand that , is this while hes asleep or your asleep ? I too have felt repulsed in the past and it was simply because they were repulsive in my eyes or because we were having problems.

I know a girl who can only have wild, passionate sex with strangers, or at the start of a new relationship. As soon as it progresses into a deeper thing, she closes down sexually. But this is to do with her being abused sexually in childhood/teens. She cannot seem to relax with someone who really knows her. Sadly, she will not seek help and seeks solace in a bottle.

I hope it's nothing so traumatic for you op. Do you think you have simply gone off your partner?

sorry, didnt think i would get any more replies. fizzfiend, in my first marriage i too knew it was the end when i couldnt bear my husband to touch me at all. the bad thing was we both had affairs (of the sexual kind)and it all ended very very badly. so i am now thinking, is this the end of my second marriage? fwiw i dont feel the need for an affair this time and i wont go down that road again, too many people get hurt. my DH and i get on well in other aspects, but i suppose we are like friends really without the sexual aspect. there are issues as i say with his drinking in the past etc that have now probably lodged some resentment with me. subconciously this could be having an effect. dignified, cheers for replying: yes he sometimes gropes me whilst we are both asleep, he then starts to wake up and tries to take it further and im now totally shoving him away, i HATE that being grabbed while im asleep it actually scares me. i have told him this and he is very apologetic but as i say he does do it while asleep and cant remember it in the morning. actually most nights i sleep in the spare room anyway due to his snoring!! perfumedlife thank you, yes this has crossed my mind as my 'symptoms' are similar to your friend and i did have problems as a child/teen due to the dysfunctional nature of my family. i dont remember any sexual abuse but it is a conversation i have had with my sister before as we both were wondering if there was anything. we never got a clear memory iyswim. the short term rels i have had in the past have all been passionate/sexually but my longer relationships have seen me like this, virtually frozen emotionally. hope some of this makes sense, it does nt to me!

There seems to be a lot of fear around sex for you and you also use strong words like 'nauseous' and 'revulsion'. These are very stong reactions.

You mention a dysfunctional family. Whether you were sexually abused or not, if there were inappropriate attitudes to sex around you as a child, it can have a very lasting and damaging effect.

I am hestitating to say just too much to you as I don't want to suggest that something has happened when you are not sure. I truly feel you need to talk to someone in real life. A counsellor will allow you to take your time to talk when you feel you trust that person. If you are unsure how to start, take your original post with you and use that as your beginning.

You deserve to have a lovely fulfilling life which contains everything that you wish.

napoleona - I am wondering if some of how I am feeling may ring true for you? I have realised over the last few months that I have a few issues that need to be sorted out. In fact I have always known - but realise now that these problems are not going to magically resolve themselves.

The feelings you describe of revulsion when your husband touches you feels very familiar.

I am a very sexual person when in the beginning of a relationship - but have real trouble with intimacy.

I realise that if there is no chance of us actually having sex (the kids are around, or we are out for example) then I enjoy kissing, touching and being kissed and touched by my husband. But as soon as sex is a possibility then I get panicky and resentful and irritated by him!

I also wonder if there is something in my past that caused this.

I have a good relationship with my husband - but this problem is meaning we have no intimacy left and is slowly ripping us apart.

I don't know if that makes any sense - but after another awkward and depressing encounter last night this is at the fore front of my mind today.

thankyou shoormal, very kind of you. yes,there is def fear there for me, how i feel about sex right now is yuk, NO, i dont want to, I CANT! and this is when we have not had sex for months. which leads me to my next point, how can i expect my husband to have no sex life??? he must be climbing the walls, i have to talk to him about this dont i, typing this now i realise how unfair it is on him. we are both young(ish) and this is madness surely to have given up the idea of a close, sexual relationship. i have to give him the option of finding someone else. before we got together he had loads of sex with different people he must be really hacked off with this! re counselling: i have had tons over my lifetime and tbh it just makes things worse. for me. i dont rule it out totally though, maybe i should try again. i went to relate last year for one appt and it was helpful. i also have a very bad revulsion for my own body, logically i know its : ok, not hideous, normalish, but emotionally i think christ im disgusting! how do i tell my husband all this? i will try though

feelingthesame hi ! sorry x posts there. yes we too have a very awkward time if we do try to get intimate, in fact its laughable really that after 6 years of marriage we cant kiss!! i cant kiss. he can. its making me feel tearful now writing this as i can see how ridiculous i must seem. how was your childhood? did you have any possible abuse or weirdness re sex in the family that you can remember? i was quite promiscuous as a teen, i think for attention. very low self esteem. thank you for message x

Hmm - yes it does 'feel' like there was inappropriate sexual things in my family.
Nothing I can remember - just feelings I have that things were not quite right and not something I have ever articulated and can't even do it on an internet forum.

I am going to look in to counselling I think.
It's a real shame that it hasn't helped in the past for you.

It just seems such a shame for a relationship to disintergrate.

Try talking to your husband if you can. I think my husband realises that is not 'him' as much as my feelings.

I had a vision of me as a wizzened old woman on my death bed wishing she had filled her life with good sex with the man she loved and I need some help to achieve this.

You use such very harsh words against yourself and I'm getting a strong feeling of 'blame' round you. None of what your are feeling is your fault. You feel this way for a reason and it's tearing you up.

I wonder if counselling made you feel worse because there are places and thoughts and feelings that you just don't want to go to. Sometimes it's a case of taking a deep breath and seeing what's there. I cannot emphasise enough however that it has to be the right person for you. You have to feel comfortable enough and feel supported when going off into areas of your life which feel very frightening.

You need to feel better about yourself for you.

Nap , it could simply be that there are old resentments , there would be nothing abnormal about not wanting to have sex with someone that you resent .

yes, cheers dig, i defo do resent a lot of things that have happened in our relationship his drinking, things he has said and done in the past when drunk etc. i am defo one of these co-dep types, both husbands alcs, me the carer/mum/nag/martyr. and i also do come from a screwed up family with inappropriate boundaries, a psychiatrist once told me i had never learnt to say no - at the toddler stage - i love to see kids say 'NO!' now, its very important to have you own boundaries. oh well i guess i need to a) talk to husband, sort out relationship/futureof and b)get some counselling maybe if i can bring myself to.
shoormal thanks yes it would be nice to feel better about myself. feelingthesame - you deserve a happy fulfilled life and i would recommend counselling i think i just had some dodgy experiences plus not enough rl support. i hope you have support there.