Fed up of needy friend...

[Janos]

Thought at lot about whether to post this, but decided on yes because I could really do with some perspective.

We've been friends for a long, long time, both in our 30s Friendship 20+ years.

She's had a hard time of it, I've offered support when I can - even when I have found it very draining (am a working single mum with not a huge amount of practical support so not time/energy rich!)She can be extremely needy and I have born the brunt of this.

Something has happened that's really made me question the friendship.

Basically she was very ill over summer (had to go in for operation). I went out of my way to offer support and help because..well..that's what friends do, isn't it?

Plus she was in a bad way emotionally and physically.

What pissed me off is, she had arranged to come up and visit..then cancelled at short notice because said she was still recovering from op (various complications). I was disappointed and upset but said I understood.

Next week however she went on a course (all booked up and paid for)...I hear nothing and then get a message saying what a brilliant time she had, up late at night drinking and talking etc. After everything that has happened it really feels like a big fuck you.

Have been on the verge of 'withdrawing' before but then pulled back because we've been friends for such a long time. Think I need to say something as I'm on the verge of losing my rag but how best to handle this without desytroying friendship?

A bit of tactical distance might help?

Miss a few phonecalls, cancel meeting up for a while, let yourself cool off a bit.

I think you need to rest this friendship for a little while, don't lose the friendship altogether but take some time out.

It does sound like she is using you. I would say you need to ask yourself what you are getting out of this friendship - is it all give and no take for you? Is she there for you when you need her or is it always the other way round?

If it's all a big no I would question whether you want to keep this friendship going at all. The nostalgia of knowing her for 20+ years might actually be the main reason you still keep in touch - if you met her for the first time now would you warm to her and want to make the effort to make friends? People change over the years and not always in a good way!

But if the answer is yes, then you need to calmly tell her how hurt you are about what happened recently. She may have just got into such a rut of seeing you as her safety net that she doesn't realise how much she is actually neglecting things with you, and if your friendship means anything to her, hopefully she will then make an effort to change. If she doesn't, then she's not really worth it anyway.

Was she not meant to enjoy the course?

I would have thought that by contacting you and letting you know how well it had gone, she was going some way to include you in her current affairs?

If I received similar from a friend that had been in a bad place and got through it, I would see it as thanks enough, IYSWIM?

Aren't you happy for her?

Thank you, that's a good idea.

My problem is, I'm soft as shite and can't bear to see people upset, plus my friends mean a lot tome. Then I get drawn in etc.

So, don't say anything, just leave it for a bit?

Other friend says I should bring it up but genuinely not sure what to do for the best.

Yes I am pleased for her Bast..I don't want her to be unhappy, quite the opposite.

I was asking myself the same question believe it or not.

I just felt very hurt.

Moomoo - yes, that is a good point. Maybe she has got used to seeing me as there for the bad stuff. I'd like to be there for the good stuff as well!

And to answer your question, yes I would still like to be friends if I met her now. She is a lovely person and has been there for me in the past.

Take a step back. I had a friend like that called me all day and night and although she was nice she just called one day after I'd had all the kids screaming all day and I spoke out of turn and upset her.

SAdly she got the hump and didn't forgive me for a few months but she has finally noticed other people also have feelings and our friendship is more equal now.

I'm on the other side of this at the moment, Janos.

I've been going through a very shit time lately, and had really leaned on my oldest friend (like you, we are in our thirties and have known each other for 20+ years). We support each other a lot anyway, live a few minutes walk away, regularly look after each others children and so on, and sneak out for the odd drink whenever possible.

Anyway, she has been great recently, and has spent loads of time talking things through with me, helping try to make sense of it all and being generally lovely. I really value and appreciate what she's done, and I can't wait to be able to say to her, sometime soon, when she asks on a Monday morning, "Actually, I had a really good weekend for a change!" instead of the usual misery. And I know she'll be genuinely happy for me - and, most pertinently, relieved - when that day comes.

I think you've clearly done an awful lot for your friend, and I would have thought she would recognise and appreciate that. By telling you that she'd had a great time, perhaps she thought she would be putting your mind at ease in some way? who knows what the speed of the recovery from her op was.

Do you think she'd be equally supportive to you if the boot was on the other foot?

Sorry I didn't reply earlier, I lost this thread in my active convos. Didn't want people to think that I was ignoring their contributions, all of which are appreciated.

Septimus - it was really helpful to read your post, thank you. I'm sorry you are going thropugh such an awful time.

You ask what she would do if the boot was on the other foot. In the past I would have been able to say, withoiut even thinking about it that she would be 100% there for me too.

Now, I am not so sure. I feel increasingly that I have been used as an emotional punchbag (perhaps I have allowed myself to be. This is not a 'one off' pattern of behaviour either. I would expect anyone going through a hard time to need support and I really truly don't begrudge that. However this behaviour repeats and repeats almost to the point where I could write a script of what is going to happen :(. For example, suicide threats every time she splits up with a boyfriend. I don't want to post details of what she says out of respect for her privacy but really it feels like I have reached a snapping point.

It's been going on for years and years yet there is always a reason why things can't change.

Actually I'm not sure I do want to be friends anymore. I feel so sad and horrible and guilty saying that.

Just let it slide, Janos. Having any kind of showdown with a friend is always counterproductive - you either end up feeling guilty as your friend bursts into tears and grovels so much you have to forgive her on the spot, or you just end up looking like a whanger.
Sometimes friendships, like relationships, just run their course and it;s better to drift away.

Yeah, I'm coming to that conclusion SGB.

Any sort of confrontation/having it out would be a hideous idea. I still feel pretty sad about it though.

I would go with what others have said and suggest that you give her a bit of a wide berth for a while and then see how you feel. It sounds like the friendship has got into a bad rut and something needs to change. If nothing changes then it might not be healthy for you to continue being her friend - it sounds like she's draining you and not really considering your feelings. She seems to almost see you as a counselling service - there for her when she's down but not worth thinking about when things are going well.

Have you tried talking to her about how you feel? I would give that a go before completely abandoning the friendship, it might turn things around.

Thanks Writer.

Yes, that sounds like a good idea. We haven't spoken in a few days and I'm starting to relax a little. Just from not stressing and waiting for the next drama/crisis/worrying message.