After all that's happened is this the right stance?

[mampam]

Hi just a bit of background, I'll try and be as brief as possible.

DH started talking to his parents again 4 months ago when our DD was born, after falling out with them 3 years ago. There are quite a few reasons why he fell out with them but mainly it was because of how they treated me and my 2 DC's. They made it clear that they didn't like me, told me so, called me names, were very unpleasant to me and my DC's etc etc. They basically did everything they could think of to stop DH marrying me, this didn't work and they turned up to our wedding, ignored me and made it clear to all our other guests that they weren't happy with the wedding.

DH decided to give them one more chance after the birth of our DD.

Give them their dues, they have been ok with me so far, much better than before and my DC's too. However, MIL said something the other day that has got DH really mad. She basically said that she was going to buy our DD but not my 2 DC's something for Christmas. Her reason for this is that they they have my mum and their dad's mum to buy them something.

DH is fuming that the other DC are being left out by his parents (as he treats them as their own). He wants to say something. I've told him to leave it and to just look at it as them cooking their own goose as we won't be visiting them over Christmas until my DC's have gone to stay with their dad as it's not fair to take them to the IL's house when only DD will be given a present.

Have I said the right thing? What would you advise your DH/DP in this situation?

I would just be pleased he's on my side tbh. If he wants to be pissed off at his parents, let him. They do sound a bit twatty.

He sounds great :) Don't try to regulate his communications with his P&M, he seems to be doing just fine all by himself. FWIW, you sounded quite bitter & resentful about them. They're trying - and cocking it up - but, if he can set them on the right path let him! And do your best to be gracious when they get it right.

My mum does this sort of crap with my step-nieces & nephews. She's learning ... it can be done

They're the type of people who NEVER do anything wrong (in their own eyes). I just don't want DH rocking the boat and causing conflict as I hate confrontation and conflict (and believe me we've had our fair share of it with them!!). I just don't think that this is worth DH getting hot and bothered over!

Sounds like they're trying but still not quite getting it - so think it would be helpful to give it more time, you'll either see a further improvement or the present thing is it all getting worse again.

I would just get DH to calmly explain when Xmas plans are discussed that unfortunately you can't visit with them until your DC's have gone to their dad because of the present issue. The ball is then in their court.

I would then leave it and see how things go.

Has your DH actually said to his parents that they have to treat your children the same as if they were his children?
If not then they may be struggling to know how to be step grandparents.
If he has and then are still being crap then to be honest I wouldn't bother with them. Let your DH sort it out and take the higher ground. As you said it is your husbands parents who will ultimately miss out on their son and granddaughters!
Why are some people so daft?