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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Night out =sex?

36 replies

noughtsandcrosses · 07/09/2005 10:11

Does anyone else experience this?

Everytime i go out with Dh he thinks sex is a done deal. I however have touble with this concept and if anything it puts me off. I hate the feeling that because i've been wined & dined i'm expected to perform.

Am i really the only one?

OP posts:
turquoise · 07/09/2005 10:13

Perhaps it's not so much "expecting you to perform" as seeing it as time set aside for the two of you to be a couple and reaffirm all the things that make you a couple, rather than parents IYSWIM?

cupcakes · 07/09/2005 10:13

I'm the opposite I'm afraid. I expect it as part of the treatment!
However, as his mum usually babysits by the time we've got her out the door I've strangely lost the mood.

stitch · 07/09/2005 10:15

ha, i wish!

Original poster
noughtsandcrosses · 07/09/2005 10:17

Oh dear, I didn't think i would be in the minority. Was hoping to show this to dh in a " see what i mean style"

OP posts:
Lizzylou · 07/09/2005 10:18

Agree with cupcakes, if we have had a nice evening out as a couple, invariably that means that a. DS is at grandparents for the night and b. I have made an effort with my appearance and I wouldn't want that to go to waste!!!

SleepyJess · 07/09/2005 10:19

Crikey.. chance would be a fine thing

Original poster
noughtsandcrosses · 07/09/2005 10:26

But what if he sulks if it doesn't happen this way, or am i just losing my own argument!

OP posts:
NomDePlume · 07/09/2005 10:27

Not for us, DH is normally a bit too, ermmmm, 'merry' to do the deed and remember it.

fireflyfairy2 · 07/09/2005 10:29

depends how 'merry' we both are.. and if i've been sick or not

robinia · 07/09/2005 10:31

I agree that I don't like the expectation of performance. Expecially if he's done nothing to deserve it. However, if we've had a nice night out and I'm not exhausted it does make me "willing and available" .

Is there something in your relationship that's putting you off? Could your nights out be improved so that you feel more in the mood? I think most men, having spent an evening in the company of their ravishing wives, would be champing at the bit.

vickitiredmum · 07/09/2005 10:34

I do know what you mean noughtsnxs. Its the expectancy thing - bit like a package deal. I get peeved myself a bit sometimes but usually because i feel suffocated by the daily grind sometimes and have no time for myself and i kind of want him to know how it feels not to be able to do what you want when you want by saying no if that makes any sense at all.

Then i give myself a big kick up the a*s....

But the other posters are right im afraid - it is ultimately a good opportunity for your to get really close and intimate which may not happen often. I would try and turn it to your own advantage.

strugstu · 07/09/2005 10:34

hate the expectation of performance- usually on birthdays as well!

after a good nite out i just want to collapse into bed and sleep- but perhaps i'm just a boring old fart!

Original poster
noughtsandcrosses · 07/09/2005 10:38

It's not that we never have sex after a night out i just hate the ritual & would prefer to be a bit more spontaneous(sp?).

Strugstu, that's just it-i'll join you in being a boring old fart.

OP posts:
northerner · 07/09/2005 10:41

Yes my dh is the same. Night out always = sex, also snogging = sex. In his opinion.

Mytwopenceworth · 07/09/2005 10:43

I WISH!! I'd drag him out every night of the week if I thought that!!

ninah · 07/09/2005 10:46

count your blessings

robinia · 07/09/2005 10:47

yes - cuddle up on the sofa also = sex. They're all the same, men.

newmumhelp · 07/09/2005 11:37

Yes my dp is the same. Night out = sex, kiss = sex, infact, if i show the slightest bit of affection,he thinks its a green light! I wouldn't mind, but he ignores me most the nights, but the closer to bed time it gets, the nicer he is to me, in the hope that he shall be rewarded!!

Original poster
noughtsandcrosses · 07/09/2005 11:39

newmumhelp-your post made me laugh but yes you're right. So glad i'm not the only one after all

OP posts:
robinia · 07/09/2005 11:49

yup - that's my dh too.

kama · 07/09/2005 11:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Bozza · 07/09/2005 11:54

We don't really get the chance to go out so it doesn't often happen. We are actually going out this Saturday (DH's cousin's wedding) but are sleeping in PIL's bed so not sure about it..... Especially since PIL will be sleeping on a blow-up bed in the room below.

robinia · 07/09/2005 11:56

That would put me off too, bozza. But not dh

orangina · 07/09/2005 12:00

How about if you surprise dh with sex before you go out? then it will be spontaneous (and instigated by you....), plus you haven't got this expectation thing hanging over you during your dinner. Then, you never know, you might feel like it after dinner too ...!

Original poster
noughtsandcrosses · 07/09/2005 12:21

Orangina-what a fab idea. Will remember that for when the children aren't here

OP posts: