This is destroying me - please help!!!

[upsydaisy1974]

I met a wonderful man eighteen months ago, following my failed marriage. My exhusband had an affair and left me with two small children. Anyway after a year or so on my own I met my partner.

He is the most caring, attentive, affectionate man I know and we have a good relationship. He was single for four years before he met me, sure he had dated some girls but he wanted to meet someone who he could build a life with. We have plans to move in together and get married. He has changed his entire lifestyle to be with me and my children. He doesn't go out drinking with the lads and apart from his trips to the gym a couple of times a week with his mate, he is with me. His own house is standing empty at the moment while he spends every night with us.

So here is where the bubble bursts! Before he met me he was on some dating sites. Although he is no longer on them he does from time to time get e-mails asking him to sign up again and stuff, which he is quite happy to show me. In fact we laugh about it.

Last Week I was in his laptop, which he leaves at my house. His e-mail was open and I saw an e-mail from a sex site. I opened it and found that an account and profile had been set up. I approached him and he clearly denied it, claiming that someone was either playing a prank or it was a hacker.

On Saturday I was back on the laptop and found another one, this time with messages that had been sent. When I spoke to him, he aagain denied it, rang his best friend which I later found out in a state saying he wouldn't do such a thing to me etc.

We spoke for hours about it on Saturday and he said if he was up to no good, why would he be leaving his computer at my house, with me having knowledge of passwords to things, he leaves his phone around the house which I could read at any time. He is so open with his life that this just doesn't sound like him. Filthy messages had been sent at times when he would have been at work.

I just don't know what to do. He has not got angry for my following this trail, he is devestated that I could think he could do such a thing. I just don't know what to do or believe. I can't eat, can't sleep and I am a mess at work today.

dig further,but its not likely to be a prank or a mistake is it? not twice. i think you need to check the history etc

hi, mistrust is a terrible thing. I feel for you. You need to get to the bottom of this as suspicions can ruin your relationship and turn you into someone you just don't want to be.

If it was random junk mail then a mistake if he made up an account and it was active, he is lying, are there any other clues or flags that you want to work through?

Has his history with other women been something he has told you about, is he in touch with an ex?

I am digging to see what I can find out. I have told him that I don't know if we will get through this as I feel totally betrayed by it.

I have given him every opportunity to tell me it's him and he still says it isn't. I told him we are more likely to be able to get through this and work it through if it is him, rather than this not knowing which will destroy our relationship.

Often someone won't give an inch until you have hard evidence, sadly.

I would not feel able to trust someone even associated with someone who would set them up like this as a 'joke'

I think you know the answer...I am really sorry. Have you got any support IRL?

Oh no, how horrible. I think given what happened with your XH you are always going to be on high alert for this kind of thing.

The main thing which would really bother me in what you've said are the sent messages as these can't be explained away easily - do you think they were actually written by him? Do they sound his style? What kind of content was there?

Having been there with the unfaithful X scenario, your DP sounds nothing like as secretive as my ex. Passwords being shared, phones left around etc are all positive signs unless he has another phone, that is..

You are doing exactly the right thing in confronting this. You have to be satisfied that you know the truth or it will eat away at you.