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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is there anything you can do to persuade a friend to leave an abusive relationship?

24 replies

LadyBiscuit · 27/09/2010 11:05

I saw a friend on Saturday night who has been in a really horrible relationship for a couple of years which is getting worse (increasingly emotionally abusive, some minor physical abuse). She is endlessly forgiving of him (he struggles to communicate, he's not feeling very positive, it's hard for him because blah, blah, blah) and says she isn't ready to leave him because she loves him. Fortunately they're not married nor do they have children.

Is there anything I can do bar listening, offering her a safe haven if she needs it and telling her she deserves so much better? Is it like being an alcoholic where you have to reach rock bottom before you decide to change?

I want to shake her but I know that's not going to help

OP posts:

notnowbernard · 27/09/2010 11:09

I think it is like being with an addict, yes

You have to reach your personal rock-bottom before anything will change

IMO emotionally abusive people are like addicts... you can't change them, but changing your own behaviour toward them may influence a change in them (possibly, by no means definitely)

I also think you're right that you just have to be there for them, to listen

IME (best mate was in shiteola r/ship) 'nagging'(not saying for a minute you are doing this , but YKWIM)makes not a jot of difference

Original poster

LadyBiscuit · 27/09/2010 11:22

That's what I thought :( I am trying to not nag (or shake her :o)

Thanks - that's what I thought. God it's depressing

OP posts:

notnowbernard · 27/09/2010 11:23

Indeed, it is depressing

Ladder · 27/09/2010 11:25

nothing you can do i am afraid.

One day (hopefully) she will wake up with a 'no more' determination and get the hell out.

WhereTheWildThingsWere · 27/09/2010 11:26

It's so hard isn't it.

I have has to watch my sil go through this for years and I think all you can do is support, support, support.

On a positive note she has finally decided to leave him.

AnyFucker · 27/09/2010 11:27

I have a friend in a similar position

She stayed for 8 years as the emotional and financial abuse escalated to the point where she lost her lovely home, and he still owes her £thousands

she finally, finally saw the light a few months ago, but only because he took up with one of our friends

that was the final straw, I guess

I had been quietly suggesting, quietly trying to persuade her that she deserved more, but all the time fully aware if I pushed too hard and made her make a choice by insisting, she would choose him

she turned to me, when it finally ended. I am glad she did...it would have been easy for me over the years to ruin that way back and that make her feel she couldn't admit how bad things had been

so, so hard to witness

harassedinherpants · 27/09/2010 11:46

I was with my xh for 15 years, and that was in a physically and emotionally abusive relationship.

You will never be able to persuade to leave until she is ready, and that will be when she's hit rock bottom. There is a realisation that this isn't a normal relationship and even then it can take a while.

All I can suggest is that you're there for her, don't judge or criticise her or him, just be there for her to talk to. I would have killed to have someone like that tbh. You sound like a great freind.

Manda25 · 27/09/2010 14:56

Took 6 yrs and her 'DH' to throw her down the stairs breaking her nose, cheek, arm and ribs - in front of their 6 yr old son ...for a close friend to 'hit rock bottom' .... it is heart breaking to sit back and watch ... and for some reason i attract friends with abusive partners so have seen it on a number of occasions. On the upside ....after rock bottom ..the only way is up.

AnyFucker · 27/09/2010 16:32

manda, that is terrible

I bet there is loads you don't even know about too

Original poster

LadyBiscuit · 27/09/2010 16:48

Jesus manda :(

Thanks for all your posts - it's useful (if not comforting) to know that there's not much more I can do than I am at the moment. I'm not a great friend, just can't bear to see this amazing intelligent person being treated like shit.

She has a lot of support so I hope she will realise that there is someone better out there. Her self-esteem is at rock bottom though and it's so bloody hard to pull yourself out of that isn't it?

OP posts:

ABitTipsy · 27/09/2010 17:57

Instead of trying to persuade her to leave the relationship could you try and persuade her to seek therapy for herself to raise her self esteem to a level where she has the confidence to make the decision to leave for herself?

roomonthebroom · 27/09/2010 18:25

I agree with ABitTipsy, it would be a good idea to try to persuade your friend to have some therapy to try to raise her self-esteem.

My friend finally left her husband last week, but only after he assualted her in front of their children and his mother!

She has been with him for about 18 years, and for as long as I can remember they have split up and got back together. Now they have seperated she is not wasting any time in seeking a divorce and an interdict banning him from contact. I am DELIGHTED it has come to this, but in the past I have not been too judgemental of his behaviour but talked the issues and incidents through with her- I didn't want her to feel that she couldn't talk to me for fear of me judging as I didn't want her to feel even more isolated. Yes, it has taken a long time to get here but all you can do is be there to listen and let her know that you are there for her. Maybe I should have been more open with my views about how much of a nasty, bullying, aggresive shit he was being, but my gut instinct was to just listen.

Manda25 · 27/09/2010 18:26

AnyFucker - she used to make up all sorts of stories to cover up bruises/not being 'allowed' to come out... started getting the truth over time after she left him..... soul destroying. Often these women aren't allowed friends so just make sure you are there ...be consistent....you know the 'friend' who people write about on here ...who doesnt rtn text/calls ...or doesnt pay her way ...or is always running late ....or lets you down at the last moment ... she could be living a nightmare ... these men 'make' them like this so they loose their friends

AnyFucker · 27/09/2010 18:38

I know, manda

bottyburpthebarbarian · 27/09/2010 18:57

Just want to echo what everyone else has said on here.

I left when I was ready to leave, some of my friends (the very few I had left) tried to persuade me to leave, it felt a bit like bullying

The Best Friend I had in the situation was someone who just was there who I knew I could ring any time day or night, who was perceptive enough to pick up on what I wasn't saying rather than what I was IYSWIM?

Just be there, don't worry if she doesn't always call/text back.

And if she decides to leave, be there 110% and don't judge. Its the hardest thing in the world to do.

Patienceobtainsallthings · 27/09/2010 19:03

I agree with counselling to raise self esteem.IME it was lack of self worth that made me accept the unacceptable behaviour.Having been told i was a "Fucking Weirdo "for several years by X ,it was rather refreshing to find out that i wasnt

rubbersoul · 27/09/2010 19:08

It's awful having to see someone go through that. I worked with one woman who confided in me she was being beaten up by her husband. It started by her saying "You're probably wondering what these bruises on my arms are..." (which I hadn't actually seen)She needed someone to talk to. She knew she didn't deserve it and that it was wrong but she felt incredibly trapped for a number of reasons, and wanted to make her marriage work because she loved him and had children together

I think it helped to have someone she could confide in and remind her of who SHE was, if you see what I mean. Wish I could have done more for her, it makes me so angry that people have to live like this.

Original poster

LadyBiscuit · 27/09/2010 21:06

I will be there to confide in and will also suggest counselling. Thanks everyone - really appreciate it (and especially those of you who shared your experiences - I salute you all)

OP posts:

Gigantaur · 27/09/2010 21:11

There is nothing you can say to help persuade her to leave.

In fact if every time she see's you you try and persuade her when she is not ready you will only end up pushing her further away from you and closer to him.

She will not leave until she is ready. when that will be is entirly individual. what it takes for one person will not necessarily be the trigger for another.

Whilst it is ok to remind her that what she is experiencing is not right. is not normal and that she can leave him. please don't make her feel as though you are pressurising her to leave. as though she is letting you down, failing in some way by not leaving.

you can find out what her options would be in her situation. that way you will be able o offer her the practical advice needed when the time comes.
Youc an help her prepare an escape bag just in case.

bottyburpthebarbarian · 27/09/2010 21:13

Gigantaur- excellent advice you said that so much better than I did

Gretl · 27/09/2010 21:19

This is a really useful thread.
I am waiting for a friend to leave her dh (who is emotionally abusive) and I always thought I would be able to say a few things once she has, but the general feeling is: don't?

Original poster

LadyBiscuit · 27/09/2010 21:22

Thanks Gigantaur - that's really useful. I will bide my time. I really don't want to get to the point where she doesn't want to confide in me because she feels I'm 'telling her off' the whole time.

We didn't talk about it for long and then moved onto other topics which I wasn't sure was the right thing to do (if she would think I didn't think ti was important or didn't want to talk about it) but maybe I played it about right.

OP posts:

Gigantaur · 27/09/2010 21:44

if you think that there has been in incident then by all means ask if she is ok. but don't just bring up "hows things with your abusive wanker of a partner" obviously.

let her know that she can speak freely with you.
If she does speak to you about it ask her how she feels about leaving. is she is considerig it but is not yet ready then help her prepare. get copies of all her documents and keep them for her. get her to make an escape bag and keep it safe for her.

Let her know you will be there all the way but that you fully understand that it will not happen until she is ready.

Manda25 · 27/09/2010 21:47

Gret - one size doesnt fit all ...but I know that women who finally leave the abuse flit from feeling proud of themselves to have been strong enough to leave ...to trying to work out if they really are useless individuals who deserved it. As always it takes time ...in fact the hard work begins when the abuse has stopped.

With my friends I only ever talk about it when they have brought it up first ...usually when pissed and over many months.

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