should Love mean STFU - sometimes?

[Bigmouthstrikesagain]

Now before I start I should make clear - I am not a saint or a particularly put upon wifey, I am just getting narked about a particular issue...

I have a few guilty (but cheap and cheerful) pleasures, they are an enjoyment of a couple of vampire related US TV series (Trueblood and Vampire Diaries), and some crappy tv viewing (though that is minimal now. I also My DH does not watch TV he plays online games and listens to music and watches footie matches (via streaming).

I do not comment negatively on what he does unless it somehow impacts on me (i.e 'turn down the volume dear'). I am happy he has a outlet for winding down after a busy day whether or not I would choose to do that is frankly irrelevant.

BUT he does choose to comment on my activities, he is a total music snob (years of DJ'ing have left him with the believe that he is the ultimate arbiter of taste in popular music), we have similar tastes so it is not a problem. This attitude seems to cross over into tatses in TV as well.

So I watched Vampire Diaries (yes yes it is for kids and a bit crap but it is fun), enjoying the Stefan/ Damon/ interplay (and as it is by the Kevin Williamson writer of Dawsons Creek and Scream - I find it very interesting that Stefan resembles Dawson and at last Kevin can write for teens that really are hundreds of years older than they look, perfect vehicle!). Afterwards my DH had to tell me how much he hated hearing it, the music was shite, the annoying teen voices etc etc, He has similar rants when I have had other programmes on and it winds me up no end. The way he has of belittling anything which he is not interested in or fail to meet his exacting quality benchmarks turns a guilty pleasure into an embarrasing failure of taste or weakness of character. He is a killjoy.

I am not stupid I do not like this I tell him so he apologises (in a way that means he is still in the right)and then it happens again. We are both people who like to be right - I am as bad as him in this respect, however I do respect other peoples right to enjoy things that I do not, he seems to be able to so very grudgeingly.

I dread to think what it will be like when our three children start exerting their own tastes in music etc as it will be hellish! Can a leopard change its spots?

My long term ex was like this with Coronation Street. He couldn't get his head around the fact that you could be intelligent and still watch soaps.

He didn't ever change, despite numerous conversations and arguments but it was just Corrie, he was quite intolerant in general and I couldhave never married him. I'm sure your DH isn't quite as bad, but he really needs to sort this out as it's very disrespectful and controlling.

Is it possible for you to just smile and say 'Yes dear' or is he totally infuriating you into reacting to his childish snobbery? He is ruining your chillout time. My DH will say things like 'Are you on Mums-Pish again,' (his witty nickname for Mumsnet ) but I just say 'yes, it's fantastic' and smile beautifically and he leaves it at that. But I have to admit that I sometimes find it hard to bite my tongue about my DH's dreadful taste in music (am also a bit of a music snob) but I don't harangue him about it like your DH appears to do to you.

It is snobbery Garage pure and simple, I have opinions and will share them if asked, but it is the ranty outbursts that I find hard to stomach - he knows he is an unreasonable sod sometimes but it is as though he cannot just let things lie.

grrr (I am sorry you had a hard time Garage)

my ex husband was the same. I have a guilty pleasure for americas next top model. other than that i watch no soaps, no reality type things and mostly documentaries.
he used to take the piss all the time, asking if i thought i was like that, who did i think i was trying to be?? ( er, no one, was just enjoying a very funny programme)

coming from a man who used to play online games and watch wrestling.

it was just another way to belittle me.

we are now divorced ;)

I have adopted the smile and rise above approach pegotty but sometimes my own PMT pride gets in the way ...

He regretted ranting about the one time in my life that I watched Glee - as I was so hormonal fed up, I burst into tears and he had to spend the rest of the evening making it up to me.

That is what is so annoying - he is so sweet and supportive of me in the vast majority of cases it is such a shame he can't put a sock in it when I am indulging in my less worthy/ intellectual pursuits!

Not quite monday - I am not going to take drastic action - but it is worrying hearing all the 'yes my Ex was like that' comments!

I don't necessarily think it is a 'controlling' thing actually, he just obviously sees himself as having superior taste to you (and probably most of the human race). It is arrogance though. Have you actually talked to him about it properly and how it makes you feel (not just at the time it happens)?

that'd piss me right off.

just humour him and say "yes dear"

I would say he sounds better than my ex in that he does apologise to you. My ex had to leave the room if Corrie was on and don't get me started on religious debates .

It's just very draining at best. Although it is a flaw in a character and I'm sure he has many plus points to override it. As long as you don't find yourself missing out on stuff you like, just to save the confrontation or discussion.

p.s I LOVE Trueblood!!

I have spoken to him about it in a clear and non acusative way (I think) it is almost like if he has a god opinion of someone and their taste and intellect (as he does of me) he cannot bear for that image to be 'tainted' by less than ideal habits - he is unrealistic.

I am by far the most pragmatic and flexible out of the two of us (tbh I need to be as he is inflexible and dogmatic), we do have respect for each other, but he needs to learn diplomacy still. I am passive aggressive and he is firey so we are a good match in many ways balancing each other out. But I think our mutual desire to be 'in the right' can get in the way...

DH thinks Trueblood is entertainiing - so I am allowed to like that actually he has been downloading streaming s 3 for me.

Bigmouth - You are obviously a woman of great taste and discernment, as your smiths song name would suggest therefore your dh is being totally unreasonable with his intolerance of your "wind down" tv preferences.

FGS we are all entitled at the end of a busy and stressful day to chill out to whatever we want, i mean, would he slag someone off for eating a McDonalds quarter pounder 'cos they ought to be eating a fillet steak instead??

But I think that you do need sit him down and eyeball him and explain very clearly and calmly that this is PISSING you off, is inconsiderate and hurtful, and if he loves you he hshould be happy just to see you relax, whatever that may be that relaxes you.

I think he has just gotten into this pattern of behaviour, like a kind of tourettes syndrome thing that it is instinctive now, and he has to RE-LEARN now and make a conscious effort to stop it.

My Dad was like that. It pissed me off a lot (first band we argued about happened to be the Smiths coincidentally) He was a twat and a control freak, but it was only one aspect of a far greater personality defect

Dh thinks VD is a bit silly too, but I solve that by watching it on my own. I can concentrate on Damon the storyline better that way. TB is also awesome, but that's by-the-by really. Your DH has to understand that making digs is upsetting you. If he knows and continues to do it, that's just mean and would ring alarm bells (but I'll freely admit I'm over sensitive about things like this because of my Dad)

Hmm, dp used to be like that, he was told sharply that if I wanted his opinion i'd ask for it, that soon shut him up.

Mine does it sometimes, but has realised that arguing about these type of matters (namely x factor and Glee) makes him look a complete dick, so he's stopped.

He took it out of the houise and on to facebook... and lost.

Your Dh is not god, and the quicker he realises this the better. I think that when your DCs are older they will be much better at disregarding his opinion (he'll be OLD) than you are

I know Cambridge professors who do their ironing over the Eastenders omnibus
It's a sign of nothing but the need for escapism, just as everyone else has.

I know a lot of men who considet THEIR taste far above everyone elses. I'd tell him to keep his nose out of it. Tell him what you told us. Say; youve got your plesaures; ive got mine. I don't critisise me so do the same for me. Sounds dreary.

Thank you for all your input

I am rehersing my good humoured and saintly but put upon response to dh next time he decides to be a good taste twat.

Bless him he does try and does understand I enjoy theses things but I will need to remember that our open plan downstairs means he can hear more of what I am listening too/ watching than he would choose - which probably does wind (him up not being Mr Tolerant).

He can always turn his music up of course.

My OH completely monopolises the TV in our house, except for when my DS asks to play XBox or Wii sometimes. We have racing at weekends or rugby in rugby season and 'educational' programmes the rest of the time, like Gadget show, antiques roadshow, nature programmes... I don't mind generally although I am fed-up of watching all of his boy films on dvd. Reservoir Dogs when your pregnant is not a good choice!

He frequently talks about having been 'forced' to watch soaps endlessly in his previous relationships so I am happy to let him think I have better taste but it would be nice to watch trashy telly sometimes!

My DD watches America's next top model, Glee etc when she goes to stay at her dad's so she's not missing out altogether.

I don't know if it's controlling or selfish, it's very bloke-ish though.