Narcissist Fathers

[calypsoblue]

It looks like hes finally leaving amongst lots of threats that hes going to destroy me etc , I have a gorgeous ds 2.5 who frankly his father has not had much to do with apart from when there are other people present then he's all over him making out like he's the best dad ever, He is Spanish and does not speak english my son speaks english and due to lack of interest from his dad does not speak spanish so the pair do not understand each other, He is also an alcaholic although has a great job which he seems to hold down well.my worry is when we seperate will he insist on custody and my poor son will have to go with him any advice and from experience do npd fathers tend to keep in contact with their children after a breakup . sorry its a bit rambling . Hes a great actor and presents well ,highly intelligent !!! Any advice please

Hi Calypsoblue, I don't have much advice I'm afraid, but I feel it would be unlikely that your DS father would get custody.

If he does keep in contact with your DS that might not be all bad, my ex was an alcoholic but he managed to stay in contact with my DS and there were no massive problems once the dust had settled after our divorce.

However, they could both speak the same language, I don't know how they could have a good relationship if they had not been able to understand each other, sorry.

Calypsoblue, my ex sounds similar, if he was not intested before, trust me he will not after, I offered loads of contact and he always wanted less, if you are clingy with the child he will want the child more...

Hi, it sounds like their relationship is so bad that no court would award this alcoholic Father custody. The main carer usually gets a Residence Order (Custody) and the other parent (usually the father) gets access to the child (visitation ). He will no doubt threaten that he will take the child away from you, because he wants to upset you. It seems unlikely that he actually wants to care for this child full-time. He will probably not want to pay maintenance for your child, so will threaten taking him, but Courts are very used to NPD fathers and even to very clever manipulative ones. You need a good family solicitor and you need to tell her all the facts. Point out the alcohol consumption, the lack of interest the lack of a common language. When you separate, keep the child with you, courts are not likely to remove the child from the parent with whom he lives, unless there is good reason ie. you are an alcoholic or drug user etc. Good luck

Baggy, have you been through court in this country? I have and normally it is referred to as resident parent and contact, which is in the child's best interest? They actually listen but do not really make much difference only start with supervised contact when they have enough evidence to satisfy them, your word is not good enough... and then it goes to unsupervised... they don't seem to care that your ex abused you has mental health and addictins etc, they normally want some sort of contact with parents and child!

Evidence is paramount in the court and as the child is young they are not asked about it, not till about 7 and still their feelings can be overridden, they only listen after about 12 i think it is!

seriously give loads of contact, he will eventually devalue the child and get lost and find new supply elsewhere, let him mess up and get your evidence if he takes you to court, he will loose interest, my kids dad did, he took me to court to force his g/f on the kids... long complicated ory... he denied so much and told so many lies in court... it is best not to go down that road, he will soon get bored of toddler tantrums, potty training etc....

Hi thanks for your understanding and constructive replies , I am not actually in the uk i am in Spain which complicates matters some what. I have been to a lawyer here and they have said the best way is to try and negotiate in as friendly a manner as possible ,In normal circumstances you would encourage contact with the father but quite honestly he has no empathy with ds whatsoever and thinks nothing of driving with ds in the car smashed out of his head
I think you are right encourage contact because he will shy away , Its such a horrible situation as he is out drinking in bars most of the time he has a large group of friends ranging from lawyers to police etc who i am sure will back him up .meanwhile i have been looking after ds and have become fairly isolated . Today he has told me that as i am not a Spainish national and himself ds are i have no chance of custody. What evidence should i be looking for it does go to court to help my situation

he drives around drunk with your child in the car? Jesus Christ, just get on a plane and get the hell out of there. Can't you come back to the UK before he kills the poor child in a car crash?

I think with your ex's friends, he would take you to court to have ds returned to his county of origin, after all it is all about the child, I imagine a lot of our laws are based on similar european laws as spain? You would have to go to court to be allowed to be out of the uk for more than four weeks without the other parents consent, over here, I imagine the same would be for you in Spain!

What court would listen to a women with no evidence when a man has mates who are solicitors and police providing statements of the opposite, you can't stop contact without proof as if you do the judge will think you are a trouble maker, it is the hardest thing to go against the emotional and nurturing that makes you a good mother when dealing with courts and ex's who are narc's!

He'd have to find her first wouldn't he?

I was shocked at the lies ex would tell the court, often stating i had done the things he had done! The last was he did not turn up to contact as per the court order, I did with the children, I took photo's of the children in the cctv with the times and date, he sent cafcass emails stating I had not turned up and should explain myself, he was so ashamed he would not show his face infront of the judge and withdrew from the whole case! The photo's were accepted along with his emails as evidence in court! I also supplied a cd with the photo's on just in case! I imagine a lot of people give a lot away on facebook, and if your ex has and you can print it off and prove it was his account, you could use that, or posts on his friends account, that sort of thing! You can go and collect statements from anyone with anything relevant just in case. I am sure there are various things that will spring to mind as time goes by!

ms boogie, and they would live on what? no beneifits could be claimed, no job taken as she could be traced through them! there are laws for kidnapping, and the child would go without healthcare and education in order to do so, and that could be used against mother when she was found and she could loose residency all together, high drama and for us watching safely in our homes though!

I am applying for a british passpòrt for my
ds but Mummie Hunnie is right i would be arrested for kidnapping and lose all rights to custody if i take ds from Spain without permission, I have videos of his behaviour as there is an opportunity everyday when he comes in ranting but have been told these would not stand up in court. My biggest hope is that a 2.5 year old really doesnt suit his lifestyle .

That was what happened with ex, he had no interest in lo's when he had them, and was neglectfull, he seemed despirate for g/f to be in on contact, I assume so she could take over my role, she was odd though, which he did not want to accept, and I was insecure regarding her being around my children and, he was not showing the children enough attention, was not seeing them regularly and was not consitant etc, and they needed that before a g/f was to come on the scene and they and I were not ready for her to be in their lives so soon after the split!

To do the parenting thing on his own was too much for him, he was trying to off load them on anyone he could in his family the little he saw of them, I think he was too ashmaed to admit he could not do it on his own and it was too much for him!

So I would ask him to have the children more through a want for them to have any father at all, and he would not want to, and would want to see less and less of them, until he gave up on them all together, I know realise it is for the best, I was devistated at first that their father was rejecting them, that was before I know about narcacists etc...

At the moment as far as i know there is no g/f as he has never changed a nappy,kicked a ball,read a story ,woken up in the middle of the night for ds or even fed ds and shouts at ds if he goes into his bedroom in the morning , I have asked how he would look after him and he has said it would cost nothing for him to get some "slut" in off the street to do all that for him .He has everything so planned and really is a nasty piece of work. I would have left him earlier but was hoping he would leave as he has constantly been making threats and now ds is at an age where he is starting to understand.You kick yourself for getting in this situation but it just kind of creeps up on you.

If you are ruthless/tough/nasty enough..... take this advice. Morals aside.

Are things beyond the point of no return? If not. Reconcile at all costs. Then quickly plan a family trip to the UK.
Once in the UK, you and your son simply refuse to return to Spain, leave him to abandon you. You will then be under UK law as the father willingly bought his family to the UK.

Cleaver footlong! excellent idea!

before you get to uk, get ds registered in nursery, any groups you can, ready for him to start straight away, as if you can prove that ds is settled in uk life, if your ex takes you to court then in the best interests of the child, they will let you both stay!

That is a good idea ,and i missed a good opportunity to do this in the summer , I should have come on here sooner instead of going to see the lawyer as that is the kind of advice i am looking for,I got the impression that i was just another case and the lawyer was just following the rule book ,there is so much in terms of details that they cannot know or even imagine unless they have been through something similar and so many people that do not really know my Ds, me or the reality that is my ex that have the power to make such important decisions, I think now things may have reached a crunch point and my ex would be highly suspicious if i suggested a family holiday abroad ,he's not a great traveller at the best of times ,but it is another option i hadnt considered, at the moment he is looking for an alternative place to live (or so he says ,one never really knows as so much hot air and rubbish spouts out of his mouth )I have been keeping ds out of his way but realise that this is wrong ,whilst he is still here and ds is in a safe environment i am going to try and make him look after him as much as possible with the hope that he will run out of here so fast and not even contemplate asking for ds to come and stay with him , I had also though about compiling a video of his rantings and abuse and putting it on youtube and threateaning to send it to all his family,work etc although not quite sure of the legality or implications any of that may have ,I simply cannot risk any black marks against me if things do go to court as life without my Ds and the thought of Ds being left with his father are unimaginable .