I am angry and don't know what to do about it.

[idiothead]

Long story and will try to be brief- and hope HE doesn't read MN.
Basically, I feel I was treated badly by a man, he ended it saying we could still be firends, so I held back saying how I felt, and now it appears he doesn't want to be friends at all. We are not kids either- both pushing 50!

A couple of years back I was contacted by email by someone from my past- we had a shared history but had never really talked. His wife had left him to retun to her home country, taking their kids with her, and although he made no secret of the fact he loved her and wanted her back, he didn't know if she would ever come back. Evidently this had happened several times over their marriage. We struck up a very close friendship via email and long, long, phone chats. Then he moved the boundaries and started flirting. I told him to back off, which he did, then came on strong again. I was flattered and responded. Eventually it ended up as phone sex, all initiated by him.

We met a couple of times ( long disance) when it could have gone further but I backed off due to his feelings for his wife. I was occasionally passing by on business, but he would make excuses about not being able to meet.

Then he got very hot again and said we needed to move it along, that we were "stuck" . So I agreed and we met. His first words almost were that he loved his wife- this was I think to make him feel better. Bed was a disaster as I was not feeling very cared for, we lost the plot so it didn't happen.

He said we could be friends and the incident didn't have to change anything.

I phoned him once after that evening- he was cool to begin with, then it was back to usual chit-chat etc.

But that is it- he hasn't contacted me again. I have sent a short email saying I miss his friendship but so far nothing back.
I feel angry, sad, used, confused- the lot! For 2 years, he told me how much he cared about me. I genuinely liked him and would settle for friendship now, as I do care about him. But I have never had the chance to tell him how he hurt me.

Should I? Or does he know that? Would I feel better or worse?

I think the flirting/phone sex/meeting up for sex has killed whatever friendship you may have had, sorry. Its not easy to go back to a comfortable place after that. Plus it doesnt sound like he wants to, you have to respect his disicion. Perhaps he has decided this relationship with you isnt what he wants/needs while he is still getting over his wife. It's maybe time for you to move on too :).

I just feel angry that he was the one moving it along and being very hot- but once I responded, he backed off and decided it isn't what he wants, and neither does he want me as a friend.The point is- do I let him know how hurt I am and that he led me on?

He is saying that he loves his wife because he clearly feels better. He is trying to make himsel feel better abotu what he is doing. Clearly their relationship is rather messy.

If they are still together, then you should not be even entertaining the idea of even a friendship with him. For your own sake, I suggest you stay away from him altogether, as it seems that you will only get hurt.

The thing is, you've both been giving each other mixed messages over the last 2 years. As the relationship hasn't become any less complicated over that time I would say just knock it on the head. If you really feel you absolutely must tell him your feelings, prepare yourself for the worst case scenario and see it as a bonus if you get a better response than you bargained for. Only you can decide, though, really.

I agree it's all a mess but do I tell him he has treated me badly? I never did, because i wanted to be able to go back to being friends, but I have now got this resentment in me about how he told me he wanted one thing, but really didn't! This was over a few weeks- it was over 2 years. We started as good friends and I'd so like that back.

I think it's going to be very difficult to go back to just being friends, especially as he doesn't even seem keen on the idea. I think the kindest thing you can do for both of you is move on & if he tries to get in touch in future don't entertain it, just tell him you're not interested. You're wasting too much time playing games. 2 years may seem like a long time but I've known things like this go on much longer! As far as your resentment is concerned, try & let it go. People say things like "we can still be friends" to soften the blow & make themselves feel better. Isn't it a story that, at 50, you've heard many times before?

Thanks. I know what you say makes sense, but I really believed that he cared for me as he insisted he did! I also thought we were mature enough to move on from a messy situation to the friendship we had- he said so many times how much it meant to him. I am left feeling I did something wrong- yet all I did was respond in the way he had been asking for! It is very hard to stop caring for someone and I do feel very cut up. We got very close- we really talked and I hoped we would always have that.

You're bound to feel hurt & sad, idiothead but I really think in time you'll be relieved that you removed yourself from this messy situation. Good luck!