severely depressed DH

[liath]

I feel completely lost. DH has had bouts of depression for years but this summer just crashed, was suicidally depressed. Had 3 weeks of him almost catatonic at home with intensive home care. he gradually pulled out of it. Last weekend he seemd fine, like the old DH back. Monday he suddenly got really paranoid, was acting odd which got worse until by wednesday I packed up the kids and went to my parents' house, as much to protect them from seeing him like that as anything else. I came back today and he's not as paranoind but wandering around like a ghost. He's barely talking to me.

This is just horrible, things between us weren't right for months before the breakdown. He had no libido and was so remote that I was afraid our marriage was foundering, I didn't realise then how depressed he was becoming becuase although I suspected he was low he always denied it and said it was work stress. I know it's not the real DH behaving like this and it's because he is ill but I'm reaching the end of my tether and starting to want out. But then I'd feel like a complete bitch abandoning him. I'm starting to wonder how long this is going to go on for. Ds is definitely showing signs of stress. At what point does it become better for the kids if we seperate?

I don't have any expericence of depression in a relationship but my dad suffeered from depression throughout my teens. I was old enough to understand it but obviously it was upsetting.

How old is your DS?

Is there anyone who could stay with your DH or who he could stay with? I don't feel qualified to suggest anything, I'm afraid, but wanted to show you some support.

Thanks garageflower. He's only 3.

Would be kind of easier if DH moved out for a bit, at least until he's a bit better but he feels safest at home. What's best for me and the kids isn't necessarily best for him & his recovery. So stressful.

liath have you got a gp or hv to talk to about this?

Liath, I just wanted to say that I really feel for you. DP has had similar stages in the past but is doing a lot better now, and it's never quite reached the point you describe so I do count myself fortunate, but even then it was difficult and scary. You sound like you're keeping a clear head and trying to see things in a balanced way, which is good. I know you don't want to abandon him but your own wellbeing and that of the kids also needs to be a priority.

Regarding your DH, is he on any medication or getting counselling? Was the home care provided by you or some other channel, and if the latter, do you know if there's anything they could do to help in this instance? Getting some outside support from a GP or MIND, and both of you having someone to talk to could make something of a difference?

This is awful, I would try an give advice, but apart from obvious things.. I dont have anything.

Just sympathy for an awful situation.

He's on meds and still getting a lot of support from the home care team, who have been great. I got some useful advice on here when I posted a while ago (esp thanks to cestlavie for that) so am seeing a counsellor. He's due to see the psychiatrist today who's been on holiday during this relapse so I'll try and sit in on that if I can. I've kept dd's teacher informed in case she's upset at school but she's coped brilliantly, was so excited to be starting school that it's kept her pretty absorbed .

I wish I knew more about severe depression, the paranoia really threw me as it was directed at me and I got very frightened.

Perhaps you could talk to your GP in order to better understand your husband's depression, or ask to come along to one of his sessions with the GP or psychiatrist. There are also many many books out there, such as Caroline Carr living with depression, or walking in the rain by Gwyneth Lewis. As well as just look at google. Depression is a bitch to live with, but at least he is seeking help. You need to look after yourself and your kids first and foremost, and that does not mean automatically leave him, but depressed partners demand a lot of attention and you just need to remember you can't provide all of it. Particularly as it takes a long time to come out of it. I think for me, the worst part is the really screwed up thinking patterns and therefore also behaviour of a depressive, combined with the fact that no one talks about it or understands it, so at least I have found that the support is somewhat lacking. It would be easier if the man in your life had a physical illness. But after several years of on and off frustration and hell, I think he is getting better... as I understand one of the most frustrating things from the depressive's pov is that they don't understand what is happening either and are very scared, but medication helps (try different strengths and combinations), cognitive behavioural therapy helps, and supporting them so they know you are there (combined with looking after yourself) helps. If you are feeling stressed, and he is receiving medical attention, there is nothing wrong with you taking a break... ask him to stay with a relative for a while, it might help him too.

As for the question at what point does out become a reality... I would say, when you lose hope and the relationship has become so strained that the love has gone.

as living said... nothing wrong with you taking a break - and if he wants to be at home then you go to relatives.

"" I got very frightened" it is a very scary place to be - do speak to your counsellor and your own GP about this.

call the home care team/his named nurse whoever - whenever you have felt frightened. they ened to know... if it gets v bad leave and call 999....

" he feels safest at home" - sure he does but you dont. and the risk is that the paranoia may turn into something else...you and dd cannot live like this.

getting a balance between your and dd needs and his needs - and certainly your dd cannot be seen as his "cure" - because she will also be picking up on some of the tension...

it is difficult - psych etc might say "he needs his family to recover" - but you do have to be selfish yourself. your needs and dd needs come first - your dd only has you when he is too ill to be there properly.

i left my exP for many other reasons than the depression, realising so much other stuff, controlling behaviours etc...

and i also learned that his depression is nothing to do with me per se - he got extremely depressed paranoia etc while with me and dc; he again got depressed when not with us. the illness is not dependent on who he with...

thinking of you

sorri dc not dd; " Ds is definitely showing signs of stress" take this as a sign that you need to act for dc primarily - dh is an adult and he can - with profressional help - take care of himself.

if it means living separately and ahving set visits for teh dc with him, til he better, then so be it.

Absolutely, someone else's depression is nothing to do with you, you did not cause it and you can't cure it, it is an illness they have in their thinking patterns and behaviour. However, being around does mean that you suffer too and get blamed when they are down. All you can do is encourage them to seek professional help, try and take pressure off them while they heal, and look after yourself first and foremost because you are important too.

Thanks so much, such good advice. It's been difficult feeling responsible for his recovery as he told me how it was only thinking of me and the kids that pulled him through and how he needed us so much. I think me trying to gently tell him what a huge burden this put on us may have partially precipitated the relapse. Now he's gone steaming off in the opposite direction, convinced I've been plotting to leave him all along and that it's a huge conspiracy with even the CPNs in on it all.

I sat in on part of his meeting with the consultant today, which was helpful. The psychiatrist asked if I felt safe, I said that although I 100% trust DH I don't trust his illness. I also said that my absolute priority were the children. Afterwards Dh said he was feeling paranoid about me again and ran upstairs & has been there ever since. This is a fucking horrible disease, I'd hate to be inside DH's head right now, the poor sod.

In terms of love, he is my first and only love - we've been together since we were teenagers. But he's changed so much - if the old DH came back maybe I could fall in love with him all over again but at the moment it's hard - I feel pity and sadness for him but am more of a carer than a wife just now .

Thanks for your replies x