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Original poster

Should I give up on this?

26 replies

peeweewee · 26/09/2010 20:22

I'm really rubbish with relationship so don't know what to do! I started dating a 32 yo guy I met about 2 -3 months ago. We get on really well - loads of laughing and actually genuinely enjoying each other's company, when we see each other, which is about once a week or two. We text almost every day (he usually initiates), but it's generally just a few texts, not long conversations. A few weeks back, I asked him where this was going - he said he doesn't want to ever not have me in his life so wants to keep just dating me because he's not yet ready to have a relationship which might break up (he came out of a 9yr relationship a year ago), although he really likes me and wanted to take some time to consider the possibility. I told him we weren't going to sleep together again until we were in a relationship, which he accepts. He still texts me regularly and wants to see me but I want more!! (mainly because I fancy the pants off him and that happens too rarely)....at the moment i'm ignoring his texts to try to get some more attention out of him...

OP posts:
ttalloo · 26/09/2010 20:32

Um, I'm sorry to say this but it doesn't sound as if this is going anywhere TBH. He doesn't want anything serious for the time being, whereas you do, but don't want things to get physical until you know that you are in a relationship.

And once you start deliberately ignoring texts or any other form of communication you're in the realm of game-playing, which is never a good sign.

I'd cut my losses if I were you - as long as you are hung up about someone who doesn't feel the same way about you, you'll never find someone that you can have a proper relationship with.

Original poster
peeweewee · 26/09/2010 20:36

Yeah my hunch is that you are right - even though I've been really cool with everything, not being needy etc at all. Should I just not bother to contact him again or should I tell him why? The thing is, he'll end up texting me to ask why I've not texted back and then it starts all over again....

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ttalloo · 26/09/2010 20:45

I'd be honest with him and tell him that I didn't want to see him again because we don't want the same things. No hard feelings, no anger, just a bit of regret, and best wishes for the future.

After all, if he does change his mind, you want him to think of you as someone nice and reasonable, not a bunny-boiler. Smile

Although, having said that, if you do tell him that you don't want to stay in touch, you need to have come to terms with the idea that this is final and you won't be seeing him again.

AnyFucker · 26/09/2010 20:53

he's just not that into you

sorry about that

Original poster
peeweewee · 26/09/2010 20:54

Cheers ttalloo - just texted him pretty much that...and I'm prepared to think of it as over even though just hearing his voice makes me smile :(

But then again it's not enough!! Nuff said!!

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fizzfiend · 26/09/2010 21:05

Well I think he's just being honest. He doesn't want to throw himself into a new full-on relationship. But the fact that he is still contacting you regularly after 2-3 months shows he really likes you.

If it were me, I'd hop into bed with him right now. That buzzy sexual attraction wears off after a while, then it's wasted. But I'm a bit of a grab the moment kind of person...doesn't always work out. But why not? You've proven yourself to be an honourable person by waiting...why waste all that passion by dumping him? Cutting off your nose to spite your face IMHO.

Original poster
peeweewee · 26/09/2010 21:21

Fizzfiend I think he's being honest too. He's a really peaceable and laid back guy - one of the things I really like about him. He has said a few times that he's not seeing anyone else....and that he wants his next relationship to last forever. But I also don't feel like we're getting any closer. So not sure if he's just wanting to "take it slow" (I sound like someone I don't even recognise) or if he just can't be bothered enough.

Do guys always know straight away if you are worth the effort? Isn't it possible that sometimes they aren't sure what they want and it takes time?

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Original poster
peeweewee · 26/09/2010 21:21

I sound so confused! I AM so confused :(

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SolidGoldBrass · 26/09/2010 21:27

It's possible he doesn't want to consider commitment until he has found out whether you and he are actually sexually compatible. Right now he's Not That Into You, but you are Not That Into Him either, or you wouldn't be acting as though access to the Sacred Fanjo is a prize that has to be worked for.

papaelsie · 26/09/2010 21:29

Hello. Man here.

No, we don't always recognise a goodun' when we see one. Sometimes, we are comparing and contrasting to previous relationships / sexual partners and seeking the same sources of attraction.

Of course, all women, and all relationships are different, so with time, we get to see the qualities of the new one, which we wouldn't have had we skipped off too early. Geddit?

However, it sounds like you're waiting for him to change his mind / show him what a good catch you are etc. Fair comment? Which, I suspect never works because it creates a dreadful power imbalance where you'll be chasing him.

Sounds like you want different things - and that's ok!

Don't jump into bed with him again, pretending your ok with casual if actually that's gonna hurt you. Let him know what kind of a relationship you are after (it seems that he wants a proper one too), and if he thinks you two could make a go of it, should the timing be right. Then listen to what he says (trying not to filter / edit it to fit your fairytale!)

Good luck x

Original poster
peeweewee · 26/09/2010 21:36

He has said that he wants to keep dating and see how it goes

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AnyFucker · 26/09/2010 21:59

he is seeing other women too

are you happy with that ?

if yes, and you are free to "date" others too, then go for it

if you are not happy with that scenario, then perhaps you should relegate your relationship to "just friends" and get back on match.com

Original poster
peeweewee · 27/09/2010 18:53

No AF he's not seeing anyone else - his choice.

SGB you've made me think that maybe I'm actually playing a little game with the "no you can't have sex" thing. I have always been told that men will respect you more if you hold back but I think maybe that's just my super religious upbringing....

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herecomesthesun · 27/09/2010 19:08

some men might respect you if you hold back sex but I would have thought that 2-3 months is long enough to date someone to know whether you like them enough to have sex with them and if you do then why not. It might make all the difference or no difference to the relationship but I wouldn't hold back for holding back sake.

I would have thought that it would be a natural progression of a relationship and perhaps, although no expert, the relationship isn't naturally progressing maybe partly because of that? But if it was naturally progressing wouldn't it have happened already?

I've confused myself, sorry.

anothermum92 · 27/09/2010 19:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
peeweewee · 27/09/2010 19:17

Nail on the head anothermum - I'm actually really cool with just dating as I've just started a new job and recently moved and it suits me for things to move slowly. It's all about my own fear that he doesn't like me enough and I'm going to get hurt again..I think what I want is for him to say that he's prepared to give it a try and communicate a little more. I'm not expecting him to know what he wants at this stage but I just want some more communication generally.

To be honest I think I'm petrified that if I am demanding then no one will care enough to give me what I'm asking...

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anothermum92 · 27/09/2010 19:31

This reply has been deleted

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Original poster
peeweewee · 27/09/2010 19:40

It's the fear that makes me want to end it too! Even though I've been through much more painful breakups than this would be and I've survived it....it's not rational when you put it that way.

But I do find the communication point interesting - I remember my best friend getting frustrated because her BF (now H) wouldn't communicate during the week inbetween dates. My brother and his now wife didn't either.

I wonder about all the literature that tells us that unless he's busting down the door and treating us like a princess from the very start then it's just not going to work. Surely life is more complex than that? Don't friendships and trust take time to develop too, and men might have a grey area at the start?

Good luck with it Grin

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anothermum92 · 27/09/2010 20:00

This reply has been deleted

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SolidGoldBrass · 27/09/2010 21:31

BLokes who are full-on from the first date are quite often either desperate losers or they are predators. So don't fret too much if someone you are dating isn't declaring undying love and covering you with roses in the first week. It does take a little time to get to know whether you want a fullblown relationship with someone.
However, once you are an adult whit a few relationshis behind you, witholding sex until you have weaselled 'commitment' out of someone can be pretty offputting. It can give the impression that you are either manipulative or simply don't like sex very much (in which case a person with a high libido will run a mile if s/he has any sense as a couple with a massive libido mismatch from the start are going to make each other's lives hell).

Original poster
peeweewee · 28/09/2010 21:31

I have actually changed my mind on the sex thing now, although I think I've confused him : )

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BEAUTlFUL · 28/09/2010 23:29

oooh, don't ask him where things are going! That just tells him that he's the one in the driving seat!

And I thought you had shagged him, but have since stopped? That won't do anything either - the idea is to not have sex until you know if you like him/he likes you, not to cut off his supply later on.

I'd say forget this one and keep looking. It's all gone too messy, it shouldn't be this hard yet.

piratecat · 29/09/2010 09:31

OP just caught this thread. what did he reply or did he reply to your text.?

ginnny · 29/09/2010 14:13

Why analyse it? It's very early to be talking about a full on relationship after just a few months. He said he wants to be with you and nobody else so why not just go with the flow and see where it leads.
After 2-3 months you should still be in the honeymoon period and not worrying over everything!

Original poster
peeweewee · 29/09/2010 19:45

I was at the stage of saying "Lost interest, seeya", but didn't end up saying anything. I've just chilled out about it and remembered that I have other friends and my own priorities. He's since been very sweet - texting me good morning first thing in the morning etc. He's not lost interest. And yes, it was a bit wierd of me to sleep with him (it started as a no strings attached fling) and then stop but I put that down to a really strict religious upbringing...there's a little part of me that still thinks sex is for grownups and/or wrong Confused.

But for now he's still initiating contact and is open to hearing my concerns. It's not going to be a fast mover though.

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