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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Realised I have never been in love in a relationship and am terrified

10 replies

garageflower · 26/09/2010 15:25

Have been in relationships for best part of ten years, two big ones, am single now. Having spent the last 4 months or so single, which I think I need, I have come to the conclusion that I have never been in a relationship where I have felt that if it were to end, I'd be heartbroken.

I have found happiness in these relationships and sadness too, but I honestly have no experience of being wildly, madly in love with that person. Didn't realise this at the time, I supose this is what 'finding yourself' is Confused

The idea of being with somebody who has the power to break your heart in a split second terrifies me. I know that it is part of life, to trust someone to this extent and a lot of people on here and in real life have been very badly hurt. However, I know that a lot of people are very happy. Please re-assure me that this is something I should be looking forward to, not scared of, and how do I ensure that I don't make the same mistake again?

I know I have low self-esteem so tend to get overwhelmed by someone if they proclaim to like me, really want to steer away from that - not fair on anybody involved.

I'm 30 in Feb, feel like I'm starting my life over and suppose I need to know that love is, by and large, A Good Thing.

OP posts:
HecateQueenOfWitches · 26/09/2010 15:28

I don't know.

I think the kind of love you describe is a temporary chemical imbalance in the brain. A kind of illness. Grin

Give me a calmer, steadier, lasting kind of love, respect and affection any day!

garageflower · 26/09/2010 15:44

Hecate - ooops, don't think I want that kind of love either! Grin

I just mean that I want to be as into the person as they are me. I want to miss them when they're not there and accept their flaws without thinking them of reasons not to be with them. Oh, and want to marry them and look forward to a future with them, rather than being terrified of tying myself down.

I know I haven't met the right person yet, but I don't want to settle for someone safe because I was scared to risk getting hurt. It is worth the risk isn't it?? Confused

OP posts:
HecateQueenOfWitches · 26/09/2010 15:48

ah. with you. You want someone to put your trust in and to build a life with.

Do you feel that you will know it when you meet the right person or do you feel that there is something about you that makes you push people away who could otherwise be that person? Do you feel you could benefit from some counselling to work through, understand and change your feelings and patterns of behaviour?

garageflower · 26/09/2010 16:13

I am pretty sure I will know it when I meet the right person. In fact, my last boyfriend should have been the right person, on paper, but I just didn't fall for him. Fond of, not in love. What made it harder was that he was very sure that I was the right person, said he'd felt it from day 1, I want to be in a relationship where I reciprocate that and I don't know honestly, what that even feels like? Seriously, what does it feel like?

I don't think I would push that person away, I didn't push ex-p away, I just was ambivalent to him as a partner, but very fond of him as a person - it got blurred somewhere.

Just did that Match Affinity questionnaire thing, FFS the guy I'm looking for IS apparently my ex-p. Hmm

OP posts:
hoppybird · 27/09/2010 13:07

I really do empathise, OP, I have been there too. I was very shy in my teenage years/twenties, so didn't have any dates and didn't have much experience of getting to know the opposite sex. I happened to be asked out by someone who seemed ok and who ticked a good few boxes, so I thought I'd give it a go.

I thought he seemed nice, told me he loved me, but I didn't know how I felt - I asked for advice about what it feels like, and no-one could tell me anything other than "you'll know he's the right one." Also, following the other advice that "in love" was some kind of temporary insanity, which was essentially meaningless when compared to the deeper love and companionship which develops over the years. My mother freely admitted that she had not married for love, she thought my dad was a good man and they could get along, and they were married for 19 years before he died.

Anyway, with this pieced together information, and not having my door battered down by any other suitors, I married him. Funny thing is, even then, I knew I was never "in love" with him (even though I didn't know how that felt) I had worked out from others that, apparently, this did not matter, and the fact that I loved him and thought I could get on with him as more important.

Fast forward a few years - unhappy relationship, H not nice and kind, actually emotionally abusive, I blamed myself because I knew I was never in love with him.

Anyway, I met someone at work. Immediately felt like I'd known him forever, I said "you're like my brother or something." Brain worked in the same way as mine. Thought he looked nice, but wasn't instantly attracted, but then, I wasn't 'looking'. Got talking, started going out for lunch, had fun in a 'friend' way, we had lots in common, but never even considered him as a potential partner (was still married). Gradually realised that when I went home, it was going to a house, but when with friend, I felt 'at home'. Only then did I start getting that gut feeling, literally a tightness in my stomach, it just felt like a complete certainty. My eyes were then opened, and I realised I was deeply attracted to him as well. I realised that what I was feeling was that I was in love.

Anyway, it was complicated and heart-wrenching, but I knew all along I should be with him. We didn't actually get together until 3 years later, but we have been together 10 years. :)

In summary, the difference between simple infatuation and being in love, IMHO, is the feeling of complete certainty that you have arrived 'at home'.

HTH a little, OP?

OrmRenewed · 27/09/2010 13:11

Well I was in love with my DH like that - I think, my memories of 20yrs ago are a bit hazy Grin - but I'm not now. Something else, calmer and more settled, has replaced it. And I'm still happy. I've been in love with other people since - in the sense of 'fancying' them - but it was never serious enough to make a difference to my marriage.

SolidGoldBrass · 27/09/2010 13:26

Maybe you don't actually want a longterm couple relationship. They're not compulsory. To some people, they are unimportant or at least a lot less important than other things.
It's worth thinking about this, because the absolutely relentless propaganda that the most important thing in the world and the only route to happiness is couplehood is responsible for a lot of misery and frustration.
Do you have a particular passion for something like art, music, or travel? Or is your job one which involves a lot of time and attention and enthusiasm? If so, these may be the things that you actually want to devote your energy to, rather than 'love&romance'. Human beings need the affection and goodwill of others, on the whole, only a very few can function with practially no human contact whatsoever, but for people whose lives are consumed with work/creativity/a cause or whatever, as long as they have kind friends and a good relationship with family, there isn't actually a real need for a couple-relationship.

BenHer · 27/09/2010 13:38

OP I think you need to work first on your low self esteem.Only when you learn to love yourself will you really be in a position to give and receive real love.

garageflower · 27/09/2010 14:54

Hoppybird - I love your story and it has really made me think and feel positive. Feel like I would be strong enough to face a lot of problems in a marriage or LTR as long as I was happy with my choice in the first place. I do feel that my recent ex-p would have been a great husband and father but hey, he wasn't perfect and it just wasn't enough for me to be with him out of convenience. Moreover, it wasn't fair to him.

SGB - I do sometimes imagine a future without a ltr, and it doesn't terrify me, but a big part of me does crave a husband, children etc. But I really don't want to settle for someone, in order to get the other stuff.

Benher - yes, that is definitely true. I have been attracted to 'rescuers' I suppose, and allowed myself to bask in their love without bothering to go out of my way to love them. I was a really ugly teenager (popular but not with boys) and part of me still feels like that person and loves attentin and validation of someone finding me attractive.

Everyone I've been out with has said that they wish they were as important to me as my friends and sometimes I've thought they have a point but in general I just have more motivation to love my friends and family than a partner.

Thanks guys, lots of work to do Smile.

OP posts:
noddyholder · 27/09/2010 14:57

You have a lot to look forward to.Real love is amazing and life changing and worth the wait.There is no rush but no mistaking it when it does show up

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