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Original poster

New relationship that is not straight forward

25 replies

Mickeymurph · 26/09/2010 14:44

I am new to this so please bear with me.
I met a guy on Match two months ago. First date was so lovely and we hit it off so well. Next dates fantastic. I went on holiday for 10 days he was so attentive, saw each other when I returned everything great, THEN sudddenly he went all quiet for 2 days. Then told me his wife he had seperated from 8 months prior had lost her rental property and moved back in with him. Now I barely see him as it is 'awkward' at home and the wife knows nothing about me. We adore each other. Last week he told me he loved me, which tbh I freaked at. He says he will now tell wife about me etc. I really like him a lot and would love a future with him but it is all such hard work at the moment. When I am with him it feels like nobody else matters but when I don't see him again for over a week my mind works overtime.
Any advice welcome!!!!!

OP posts:
said · 26/09/2010 14:48

Why does his wife not know about you?

Sounds like they're back together (or she thinks they are) and he's keeping you on the back-burner as well in case it all goes tits up. I hope I'm wrong but it's not looking very promising

Original poster
Mickeymurph · 26/09/2010 14:58

He says he hasn't told her yet because the divorce is not settled etc and he doesn't want to upset her blah blah blah.
I have asked lots of questions this week as things have got a lot more serious between us and he has says he will now tell her. I used to believe stuff he told me now I don't know what to believe anymore. Doing me head in.
I feel I should walk away but am thinking what if its all true and we could have a future.
My ex husband cheated on me and it has taken a lot to trust someone.
Scared of getting hurt again and never trusting again!

OP posts:
msboogie · 26/09/2010 15:02

Sounds like they're back together (or she thinks they are) and he's keeping you on the back-burner as well in case it all goes tits up. I hope I'm wrong but it's not looking very promising

yup.

Even if he is telling the truth it is not ideal to be seeing a man in this situation. So I would tell him to give you a call when is is free and unencumbered but that you obviously can't guarantee that you will be if he takes too long about it.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 26/09/2010 15:06

I would agree that they have got back together. He too has rushed too quickly back into dating again, it was far too soon for him (he to my ind should ahve waited at least a year post divorce before starting again) and unfortunately you've been caught up in this.

Also 8 months in you really do not want to be any part of such a complicated situation (the first 12 months are supposed to be the happiest of any relationship).

I would walk away from him now before you get further hurt.

purplepeony · 26/09/2010 15:08

Oh dear, poor you.
I think the love declaration was meant to a) convince himself this was worth all the guilt and b) to keep you happy and in the game.

it IS a game. They are obviously back together in some kind of fashion and unwittingly you have become the Other Woman.

Hard as it is, I think you have to back out of the picture. or turn up on his doorstep and take him out on a date!

Original poster
Mickeymurph · 26/09/2010 15:27

I am usually a very good judge of character and he seems genuine BUT either way this is not the fun a new relationship should be.

I think I should walk away but it is so hard.

I told him the other day I feel like a mistress and this is not something I would ever be as have been on the receiving end and it is not nice.

I have told him we need to talk and he is calling me tomorrow.

I can see tears at bedtime (sad)
I just want to be happy.

OP posts:
pinkbasket · 26/09/2010 15:29

How about you tell him you don't want to see him until he sorts things out with his wife. If he is genuine then he will come back and if not, it is a get out with hopefully pride intact.

thumbwitch · 26/09/2010 15:30

Walk away.
From all the relationship threads I have seen on here where the man is a controlling mindfucking bastard, they all seem to start hard and fast and declare love within a few weeks, as well as treating you like a queen, then lying through their teeth about something or other and making out that you are the one in the wrong. So far 'your' man has managed 3 out of 4 of those.

Leave him to his wife, if you can, and perhaps thank someone somewhere that you might have had a lucky escape.

UtterlyDevastated · 26/09/2010 15:31

He is calling you tomorrow Confused. I agree with others, keeping you in reserve, sorry.

FiaGrace · 26/09/2010 15:32

Did you ever go to his house? I'm just wondering if he ever really did split up with his exW?

It's such a shame and I think all you can do is to try and get as much info/fact from him as you can and then decide whether it's worth the hassle ie it is not an ideal situation.

FiaGrace · 26/09/2010 15:33

Oh just read your latest Post - why can't he call you now?

MaMoTTaT · 26/09/2010 15:34

agree with thumbwitch - walk away - if you want to be happpy - walk away now.

Original poster
Mickeymurph · 26/09/2010 15:34

The crazy thing is if someone else was telling me all this I would say the same'walk away' 'if he really loves you he will come back once all sorted at home' but when I see him he seems so lovely and attentive.

Bloody hell bells what a load of crap.

After the way my ex treated me I never thought I would allow myself to fall for all the chit chat a man tells but alas here I am.

I feel such an idiot falling for him, but sadly I have.

OP posts:
HecateQueenOfWitches · 26/09/2010 15:35

you are Plan B

Walk away.

Tell him to get in touch when he has his Decree Absolute!

Original poster
Mickeymurph · 26/09/2010 15:37

I have changed his name on my phone to Ae* so I don't feel tempted to call or text him.

Thanks everyone you are making me feel a bit stronger (she says with tears on her eyes)

OP posts:
pinkbasket · 26/09/2010 15:37

Take care.

FiaGrace · 26/09/2010 15:38

Look after yourself

thumbwitch · 26/09/2010 15:42

Aww, MickeyMurph, be kind to yourself - these men have to be plausible charmers to get women to fall for them!

Stay strong - keep your dignity - and may the next one be worthy of you.

Original poster
Mickeymurph · 26/09/2010 15:47

I hope so I really do, just though this one was the worthy one.

God I feel so stupid, but yes I will try to keep my dignity.

Hope all the things that broke his marriage up resurface and he ends up miserable, cause I do not deserve to be mucked about, I deserve better.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 26/09/2010 15:49

"I do not deserve to be mucked about, I deserve better".

Make the above your mantra. Raise your bar regarding relationships and love your own self for a change.

AnyFucker · 26/09/2010 21:56

I will add to the "walk away" mantra

don't make a fool of yourself over this man...no bloke is worth that

SolidGoldBrass · 26/09/2010 22:36

Yes, walk away now. The very best interpretation of his behaviour is that he's a wuss who tells people whatever they want to hear then ties himself in knots trying to stop them finding out the truth.
Other than that, as others have said, you are his back up plan. Either that or he wants to use you as a stick to beat Wifey with - 'See, if you don't obey me I will run off to Mickeymurph and then you will be sorry' and he will then do the same to you; if you don't jump when he says so, he will start going 'Oh I shouldn;t have left Wifey for you, she knew how to treat a man...'

BertieBotts · 26/09/2010 22:44

Agree with all the others (sorry!) and even aside from all the wife stuff - you've known each other 2 months and he's "in love" with you? (And you're not both about 14) Run awaaay!

Could you go a step further and delete his number? (Memorise the last 3 digits ONLY so you recognise it if he does ring, but can't call him) Then if he calls say you were "busy". Even better - be busy! And do something nice for yourself, don't wait around for a man to. Go and buy yourself some flowers or something.

perfumedlife · 27/09/2010 00:13

Hmm Even IF her rental property 'fell through', it's incredibly unlikely she would move back in with a man she is divorcing.

Have you been to his house, got the land line number?

Gay40 · 27/09/2010 01:09

Tempted to think they had never split up in the first place, and you are the shag on the side.
Sorry.

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