Marriage in trouble - long story.

[BambinoBoo]

My MiL and SiL have constantly interfered since DS was born - 20 months ago. It started before he was born with them dictating who would be at the birth (MiL: "try and keep me away") and escalated after; constant unwanted advice, MiL grabbing him off me, not giving back when crying, telling me I talked crap because I wouldn't give DS water (it was winter) and didn't use sudo straight off, labelling me a nutter when they knew I had PND, calling me cruel for putting DS in nursery - the list could go on.

Throughout all of this DH didn't say a word to them despite me begging him to ask them to back off. This all reached a head late last year over arrangements for Christmas and DH finally said something then. He detailed how they made me feel when DS was born - and beyond - and all he got in return was that a) I talk rubbish, b) I acted like a "arse hole" fussing around DS when he was born, and c) all I did was sit on my arse and not get on with things like they did. For the record, I was in labour for 40 hours followed by an EMCS and a week in hospital because DS was put on antibiotics (waters broke early) - the only thing I didn't do was the hoovering as we have a massive Dyson. After DH finally spoke to them, I basically said that I wanted as little to do with them as possible but would be civil if I saw them. I have kept to my word but still the resentment remains.

I am so angry with them as I think they have basically bullied me, so angry with DH for not stopping it in its tracks - plus angry with myself for not telling them to feck the hell off - I would have if it was anyone else. I should just see as little of them as possible and forget about them the rest of the time but I am enraged. The only solution I have found is to move so we are moving 200 miles away, but I'm not sure if it will solve things. I am still so angry with DH, I barely want him near me, I snap at him all the time and everything he does winds me up. He is a good man and a fantastic father - but weak when it comes to his own family, he would rather run and hide from it all. On the flip side, he will tell me to stop going on but it took him a year to tackle his mum. I feel so let down by him and the angerness is eating me up.

I really want to make my marriage work but I can't see a light at the end of this tunnel. I have had counselling and that hasn't really helped. I'm not sure what to do, so any advice would be appreciated.

Thank you for reading.

I would really recommend couples counselling, Relate saved my marriage and got us back to being a "couple" putting on a united front rather than just two parents living in the same house.

I'm sorry they have behaved so badly.

Coca, I think you might be right. It really helped my friend. I am hoping the physical distance away from the in-laws might help too, but the damage might be too engrained now. Thank you for responding.

I'm so sorry you're going throug this. How difficult and how insensitive of your inlaws.
You simply can't let this affect your marriage imo though or let yourself feel this bitter as I think the only way to get past this is to move on, feel some relief they know how hard you found their behaviour, but not let it harm your relationship and life.
Also, even if your husband is to blame do appreciate that he's in a really hard position. I'm not saying he shouldn't have backed you up as he should, but without knowing more about his family relationship etc I think he'd have been in a hard place to be being in the middle of this.
You really sound so bitter and have let this become very big and it must be so difficult but you can't let this destroy your family?
Keep us posted and look after yourself but also your husband as i bet he's finding this as hard as you?

You'd be suprised at what a bit of communication can do. I found that all our conversations ended the same way with both of us resenting the other more and more. With the counsellor there it made sure both of us had time to explain why we felt the way we did. I was a bit when I dropped a dig about his family into a convo and the counsellor told me I looked like I'd just scored a goal! It was true.

relate sounds good advice. Really hoping all works out

moving 300 miles away worked for me. my mil wasn;t particularly evil, its just the alpha female rub i think.

Remember too Bambino that depression can really skew your outlook on things. Don't make any decisions until you are sure you're back to your old self. I was very depressed last year and I told DH a few times that I wanted a divorce because of various problems we had. I am so glad now that he didn't take me seriously because I realise that while they were genuine problems my depression was making them bigger than they were. I definitely don't want to divorce him now, but if you'd asked me then I would have been adamant that I did.

Your inlaws sound like utter shits and I do agree that your DH should have stood up for you. But it is so so hard for people to go against their families and it says a lot that he is willing to move 200 miles in order to get you a bit of distance. I would definitely advise you to seek counselling if possible and if not to just hang in there for another few months. Try to get yourself back on an even keel and see how you feel towards your DH then. The last thing you want is to look back in a few years time to realise that not only did your horrible inlaws spoil your time with your son, they broke up your marriage too.

I think it sounds like you were very badly bullied at a time when you were at your most vulnerable and this kind of thing leaves an imprint afterwards, it sounds like you are still getting over it.

Remember though that your dh would have been used to this kind of thing and may have struggled with standing up to them because in their family "it is just how they are". Took me years to stand up to my own Mother let alone someone elses. How do you get on with your own family? Agree with WriterofDreams, the fact he is moving 200 miles away with you says an awful lot, bet there is a big part of him that wants to get away as well. Honestly you can't let it get you down or they are still winning aren't they, bet they would love it if you split up so they could be "right" about you.

Coca at scored a goal and that I suspect I may have sometimes been the same with my ex!

Thank you all.

Every time I get angry now, DH says that we'll be 200 miles away soon! Shimmery there is a big part of him that wants to get away too - he says, to make me happy. I read that as: to shut me up. I'm not sure he knows how serious things are - I just sent him out with DS to the park because I can't bear to be around him today. I treat him like a naughty child. I hate myself for it but can't let go. I feel so badly let down and over something so simple as telling his family to back off, and fighting my corner when they are rude. I was bullied at school and now I'm a 38 year old mother and still being bullied by grown women - but am also, in a way, bullying my husband as a result.

MiL dropped another bombshell too that when she visits, she expects DH to take her home by car, which would mean a 400 mile round trip at a cost of god knows what (he was recently made redundant so we're not too exactly rich at the moment). She is minted, but won't get the train. He just said "ok". No, not ok!

I think Relate might be the only option.

Shimmery, I meant to answer your question. I get on fine with my own family, but they live 100 miles away. That must be the key

No, I didn't mean it like that when I asked , what I meant was do you have family support on your own side or do you feel a bit consumed by your inlaw's nastiness.

For me I didn't used to get on with my Mum that great and my family live far away too, so I did used to feel that I was surrounded and controlled by ex's rather dominant family with no-one of my own and it didn't help iyswim?

I think you have to give up trying to get on with these people. My in laws are ok and will do anything for you but they don't really see DIL and SIL as being proper members of the family and it would be very easy to allow them to ride rough shod, they are very strong willed and dominant. Once I stopped caring about being liked and was just forthright they backed off they really did. I just got to the point where they would be making their plans without reference to me eg ds and dd going away on holiday with them on a 7 hour flight (I don't farking think so!) to which I would just reply with a blunt "No, they are too young". No further explanation, no shaky voice, no justifying, just that statement.

So for example:

MIL: Ds I will be arriving on and then you can drive me home on .

DH: Oh er, ok.

You: No, it is too far, he has work that day/the next day don't be ridiculous. .

Ok maybe not so blunt as that (though I would!). But you know what I mean.

I don't have anyone around my current home for support as my family and friends live 100 miles away.

With regards to the driving, I think DH is going to have to tell her to either get the train home or she waits until we visit her, which could be months away. Then it is up to her.

I am completely shocked at how they have spoken to you. It's disgusting. Personally, I would say 'oh do fuck off you UTTER CUNT'. But I lack decorum.

I have told DH and he is with swallowedAfly and reckons that he will tell her once he has plucked up the courage next time she mentions coming up.

I'm with fusciagroan - in my head anyway a

sorry for sp, DS clambering.

Write her a letter, keep it brief, factual and cold. Point out that you are the Mother and things will be done your way. Cc the letter to your sil so that she can't ignore it.

Hi. I too think relate counselling would be helpful.
Yes, your inlaws were/are awful, but you need to decide if you are going to keep "playing the victim", or change the situation-ie, be more assertive. This sounds harsh, but this is something you need to do, not your dh. You are not the young girl at school anymore, but a grown married woman with a dc.Dont let your ds see you so bitter.
You are very angry with your dh, and yes, he should have spoken-up sooner, but, as others have said, he is prepared to move 200 miles away from his family now. You shouldnt read this as "keeping the peace" unless you are sure thats what it is. He may genuinely want to see you happy and remedy the situation re the past 20 months.
If, he is the decent man and loving father you say he is, you need to draw a line under the past and stop using your frustration and anger to "beat him with", or you will push him away. Imagine if you had massively upset your dh and tried to apologise and put things right, only to be rejected again and again. How long could you tolerate such a situation?
Forget your inlaws, dont let them have the pleasure of seeing you miserable, and enjoy your dh and ds.

Your MIL sounds horrid. However, you need to be careful that you aren't treating your OH in the same way that his family also treat him. I feel a bit sorry for him, actually.

Re the lift, how old is his mum? She sounds very demanding, but we give my mum a (very long!) lift home, as she is getting on in years. Obviously, MIL should offer to pay, but if your OH has been made redundant, he would have spare time to take her.

Agree that couples counselling can help - it has certainly helped us. Then you both have to make the decisive choice that you're committed to the marriage, and doing what it takes to make it work - and that means supporting each other, and choosing your battles.

Quiet and firm, without emotion, tends to work better when dealing with bullies.

(That said, I'd be furious too, and want to slap the IL big time. But do as I say, not as I do!)

Bigpants1 you are right. I know I am treating DH in a bad way. I am hoping that the distance away from his family and away from the constant reminder of how utterly shit they have treated me - and how I have let them treat me - will allow me to get over things.

Cretaceous his mum is in her late 60s, but fit as a fiddle. Re spare time to take her back, it's a very long trip so DH either takes her on our weekend (a 7 hour round trip we all lose a day as a family), or he takes her when DS is at nursery, but if something happens, I will have to come out of work, and I only start my new job next week, or he take DS with them and a 20 month old is stuck in a car for 7 hours. OR, she could grow up and get the train with the door to door journey of 3.5 hours. It's madness.

My MIL is a nightmare and was very similar to yours when DD was a baby. I had to put up massive boundaries and limit the time I spent with her or around her. Moving 200 miles will help but it will cause different problems as they'll probably want to stay for a few days when they come and visit and may ring you more often. I've had to arrange for caller id on my home phone now to screen calls So you'll need to agree between you and your H how you'll deal with this now. I also agree with marriage counseling.

Anniegetyourgun recommended this book to me on my thread about my bullying MIL. Worth a thought to read it at some point?

Are you seeing your GP about your depression?

It will take time to work through things with your H but I do think you can. You've got some great advice here. I know how difficult it is with a MIL like this. My H is only starting to realise how manipulating and controlling his mum is now and starting to finally stand up to her and we're in the middle of a divorce now.