What did your ex say/do when you told them it was over?

[ShinyAndNew]

I have told Dh that I am moving out next week or the week after. He now wants me gone by Monday. God knows how I am going to manage this I have no money, no furniture, no house.

I have spoken to a housing agency and they assure me they have houses in the area that have been empty months, so I won't need a deposit and my pets shouldn't be a problem. They told me to fill in an application form and bring it in on Monday, providing I can show them something from the council saying that I will be entitled to full HB when I move in (I don't know how to get this/if I can) then I won't even need a months rent in advance.

They do have houses I can move into regardless of any of the above, as they have been empty for at least 18 months (there are three on the same street), there is a reason they have been empty this long. I walk past this street daily and I don't think a day has gone by where I haven't seen the police there. I don't want my children living there.

Throughout the day DH has gone from apologising to blaming me to wantig to talk to wanting me gone tonight to cleaning the kitchen to prove he is willing to try to wanting me gone on Monday.

I am certain that he won't throw us out onto the street on Monday, but I don't think i live like this while i sorting money/furntiure/housing etc.

He says he is sorry and he wants to work at it, but then the next minute he is threatening to throw me out onto the street and telling me I am taking his children away from him and black mailing him.

I am going to see CAB on Monday too wrt benefits and any loans/grats I could apply for for furniture. I had hoped we could stay civil, but it seems not

Is this behviour normal? I can understand he is upset and worried for his relationship with his children, but surely he can see the way he is behaving is making things worse? He keeps wanting to talk but when he is not pointing out all the stuff he has bought us (I can buy my own stuff or do without) he is making empty promises I have heard a million times before.

I feel sick.

How many children? How old?

Why isn't he moving out instead of you?

He owns the house/pays the morgate and it was his grandfathers house so I wouldn't take it from him anyway.

We are not actually married. I started using DH when I first joined MN. I didn't understand all the acronyms and I did't realise there was a DP one. It just became habit.

Nothing is in my name and bar clothes and few pans nothing in the house is mine. Children are 6 (not his bio child but very much his daughter iyswim) and 3.

Are you married ? Whats you housing situation at the moment , rented , mortgaged ?

Are you claiming Income Support? Maybe a letter from the jobcentre stating this (as IS = more often than not, full HB). Also if you go to your local council office and ask to speak to housing officer they may be able to give you a signed letter confirming you are homeless.

If you're really stuck is there a chance you could stay with a friend or even move into a women's refuge just until you can get sorted? You don't have to have suffered physical abuse. If it would only be for a few days/weeks then the likelihood is you wouldn't be taking up a place needed by someone else. Or even if you can't move out could you send the children to a family member for a few days?

This must be really difficult for you. I left when XP was at work and he came back by chance as I was packing up. It was horrible, and yes he did all of those things, asking couldn't we make it work, getting angry, asking what about DS, crying, accusing me of ruining his life. The anger was easy to deal with because I was numb to it by then and could just put a wall up. The crying was hard :( I only had about twenty minutes in the house with him at that time and I was on edge. I was standing at the top of the stairs and I was terrified that he might suddenly push me down, even though he'd never been violent towards me before.

What he is doing sounds pretty normal to me, sadly. You need to ignore it as much as you can, make one word answers, etc. But ultimately keep your focus on the goal, moving out.

I wish you luck and lots of strength. You are so so brave. However hard it gets over the next few days it's worth it. Keep hold of that. It will be worth it.

Have you seen a solicitor?

Don't do anything/go anywhere until you know your rights, and what you are entitled to.

How long have you been together?

No not claiming IS as we are/were living together as a married couple and he is working. When everything in in his life is fine we are good (not great, but we could work on it) but as soon as anything goes wrong/he gets a bit stressed all hell breaks loose. The latest bought of arguing/laziness/nastiness is because he doesn't like his job.

I can't live waiting for the next thing to go wrong anymore. We have been here before, me saying that I am leaving, him apologising and promising to try. And he does try, until the next thing goes wrong and then we are back to square 1 again.

This time he tried to hide the card to the PO account (where the WTC/CTC are paid into) and threatned to have my mobile phone cut off when I told him I would just phone TC people and have the CTC payments changed to my account. Threatening to cut off my phone was one step too far imo, even if he didn't mean it like he claims.

6 years earlybird. Going to CAB on Monday.

its a case of taking whats available...unless your council run the rent assistance scheme thingy!! where they pay deposit/months rent on your behalf

good luck

my ex reacted by trying to comit suicide,which i knew he would.....he locked all doors and windows,hid the phones and locked himself in the bathroom with the kitchen knives....with 4 dc asleep in their rooms!!! he took tablets too. i got him out and an ambulance took him.....then army welfare came and took me to an mod hostel. best move ever!! you'll be fine,much better

Speaking as the person on the other side of this situation then, yes, think his reaction is pretty standard. I don't know how long you have been considering this, but you have two advantages. One: this is your choice, you are making the decision to leave and you are setting the agenda. He will be feeling an enormous amount of lack of control and this is horrible, so he will try and gain some back by setting the timetable. Not right or wrong but understandable. Two: you have had the opportunity to get your head round the fact you are splitting up. To him this is a thunderbolt from the blue (I am assuming it is??)
My exH announced he was leaving in the middle of Eastenders completly out of the blue in response to my comment... "You're a bit quiet". It is horrible thing to do to just announce it and not let the otherside have a chance to understand what isn't working and to give both sides a chance to work it out. I don't know if you had so I can't judge!

TBH I think you made a mistake announcing it without having some arrangements in place as to where you are going to live etc. I hope the Housing association are able to find you somewhere. You're ex is going to all over the place for quite some while. I hope he doesn't throw you out but I would get out ASAP, if only for your own sanity. Best of luck.....

Housing benefit- you need a letter from Child benefit confirming you claim it and for who.

Recent award notice from Tax credits.

2 recent payslips/bank statements.

Get reciepts for everything you show them.

Good luck x.

I thought it would be easier for him if I gave him some idea as to whats going to happen rather than just announcing i am leaving and then upping and offing with children that very day. that's why i let him know what plans I am making. He is never and would never be violent towards me.

I'm feeling less strong today because he is back to being ultra nice (probably because he pissed me off by staying until 6am when he had no keys, so I had to wait up) again. The problem is I know the nice won't last. If it did I wouldn't be leaving in the first place.

Yes, he will be being nice, he's in shock mode so probably trying desparately to change your mind.

You know it won't last, which is the first point, and the second point (which you could tell him if he tries to change your mind by talking) is that it's too little, too late. When he does something nice and you think "Oh, maybe it wouldn't be so bad..." try to think about all the reasons you are leaving. Does this one nice act make up for all of that? Do you really think he has changed deep down or is this just a surface change while he's conscious of his actions? (Clue: nobody makes changes that deep to their personality that quickly).

I know this is going to sound harsh to some but really, if things are that bad you would only be prolonging things by leaving. If he really desparately wants to save the relationship there is nothing to stop him getting help off his own back without involving you. It's probably better you aren't around for that anyway, because he needs to want to do it for himself, not for you. But most people find that once they are away from a situation like this that nothing could send them back, ever. The space will allow you to see that you have made the right decision.

Good luck for tomorrow.