Help me make sense of this!

[smartiebubbles]

Neither DH nor I have particularly high sex drives. Since DS was born 16mo ago, we've had sex twice both in the last 4 months.
Initially after DS was born, we agreed to ttc#2 from May 2010. We got to May and DH told me he was too stressed at work for a couple of months due to workload which would improve. I was disappointed but tried to be patient and DH agreed to ttc from August.

We also had a big discussion about finances as he said the pressure of providing for the family was adding to his stress. We talked it through and I tried to reassure him. We are both on decent salaries with combined annual income of >£100k but DH does worry about his traditional role of "provider".

The month of August coincided with his parents staying with us for a week and DH wasn't happy having sex with his parents under the roof.

This month, he's told me that he does want another DC, he's just in no rush and is still worried about finances. We talked it through again this morning and I told him about some guaranteed bonuses I would be getting in the next 18mo and he asked when 9mo from now would be and he said that it actually would potentially be ok. I decided tonight I'd cook his favourite meal and "jump him"
Then this afternoon, he fell and his knee popped out of joint briefly. Now he's in pain and has gone to bed early!

I know I sound very unreasonable and should be sympathetic and patient but it just seems like one thing after another! Originally we were ttc from May and now in September, I feel no further forward!

Can you tell me whether
1)DH is being unreasonable in anyway
2)how to get the whole ttc thing into perspective as I'm sure a few months really won't matter!
3) any other advice (or just a slap if you think that's in order!)

If your income is >£100k, then money is not an issue! Unless your outgoings are about >£1ook!!

tbh, your op sounds like stalling: tbh i would just say to dh, i want dc2, why don't you? It culd be he's finding parenthod tiring (and tbh, don't most of us? and your sex situation sounds like mine!) so i would just ask your dh to be honest about why he's putting off dc2? And moneywise: if we all waited until money was 'ok' or we could 'afford' to have babies, there'd be a lot less babies!

But with a popped knee won't it be harder for him to fight your wifely advances?

Well, money certainly shouldn't be an issue.

But what is going on with the sex side of things? Has it always been a bit low-key?

Thank you for your replies and not laughing me out of town!

yousaidit - he's in bed asleep dosed up with pain relief now so don't think any wifely advances will get me anywhere tonight!
I agree money shouldn't be an issue but he wants to feel as if he could provide for me and 2DC on just his salary. We do have a hefty mortgage but we are comfortably off. DH wants to do budgets to ensure everything is in order and when we do that, on paper, things are tight but manageable. We've just done a big kitchen extension too which on one hand suggests that we don't have money issues but on the other hand, has hit all our savings.

BitofFun - yes, our sex life has always been fairly minimal but not as minimal as the last 16mo! Neither of us is usually that bothered except when it comes to ttc, I become a little obsessed about becoming pg asap and neither of us likes the fact that sex is all about ttc.

But would you want him to provide for you all? We are on a v tight budget, i only work part time a couple of days a week but its the shopping money, abd tbh it stops me from going nuts with the dcs! Is your dh assuming you would not be working or is it just a principle that even if you are working he likes his wages to cover everything?

Anyway, minimal sex lives are all the rage ta the moment. Honest. You becone soooo well read it's unbelievable. Dh and I indulge each other with neck rubs and shin rubs! Oh yeah, get that for sexy

Before I went back to work after ML, I really wanted to be a SAHM but within days of going back to work I realised it gave me another focus in my life which I believe benefits me and DS (not just financially!)

I have told DH this numerous times and told him that I'd be happy to go back to work after DC#2 doing similar p/t hours to those I do now.

I'm glad our sex life doesn't sound that unusual!

I wish I wasn't so impatient for DC#2!!!
DS took nearly 18mo and 2 mmc to conceive and I'm now 37yo so I guess I do have that nagging clock ticking!

I'm sorry to hear about your 2 mmc, I think you might just need to do some major foot putting down! P/t work is fab, you do, imo, get the best of both worlds, and dcs don't have a frazzled bored mummy, but a fresh face and environment to engage them.

Good luck with things, if all else fails, as some one recommended to me, try pandora's secret website to make your dh crumble

Thank you

I think you should take the pressure off your DH and listen to him. He is telling you he is stressed and pressurised; whether or not you think that is reasonable, it sounds like he is the main earner so I think you should listen about his financial concerns.

Surely nobody wants to be used but it sounds like you haven't got your sex life back up & running after baby number one. May be nice for him to know you want to make love to him not just as an impregnating maching.

I would give it a few months and try to spend some time enjoying each other. Might be worth suggesting you use contraception & see if he is more interested in having a sex life. Then you can discuss and mutually decide about baby no. 2.

LadyLapsang - thank you, that helps too.
DH earns approx. £70k and I earn approx. £40k across my 4 days so yes, he is the main earner but I don't feel it's completely one-sided.

You are also right about maybe using contraception for a couple of months. The lack of contraception may well be a reason for our lack of sex life but in the past, we have found the only contraception that really suits us is if I use the depo injection and last time it took a year for my fertility to return afterwards!

We have had some further frank discussions about ttc and DH's hesitations. It is purely financial related which I find hard as we do have a decent income. I know he is v traditional though and wants to be able to provide for the family without my income.
Anyway, I've put a proposal to him that I increase my hours at work to 4.5 days from 4 days.
I'd rather not but it would make us £100 a week better off (taking into account the extra nursery fees) and I've told DH that I'll do it if it means ttc now without hesitation. He's said to talk to my boss tomorrow!