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Original poster

Am I the only one who can't make friends?

17 replies

chocolatestar · 25/09/2010 21:24

DH and I moved from London back to Scotland, where I am from, about four years ago as we wanted to start a family and buy a house etc and couldn't manage it down there.

Initially I was at uni so it was ok but once that was finished and I started working and had DS I have managed to make no friends at all. Well I have made one just recently but she is over an hour away and is about to move back to Cornwall.

I have tried going to things, I did an evening class, did the toddler groups but I just don't seem able to connect with people here. I am quite shy and do get nervous around people but I do chat to people too. It always stays at that though. My DH will be at work tomorrow and there is no one I could pick up the phone to meet for a coffee for example.

Is it just harder to make friends when you are not at school or uni etc or is there something wrong with me? I love DS and DH but I miss female company and am very lonley. If we didn't have family I think we would move back to London but that isn't an option for us.

Just wondered if anyone else was a norma no mates or if it was just me.

OP posts:

HelenLG · 25/09/2010 21:29

I moved to be with my DH about 5 years ago and can say I only have about 1 friend. There are people who I say hello to and have a chat with if I run into them, but only one person who I talk to on a regular basis, but I'm losing touch with her since going on maternity leave.

My DH has lived here all his life and again knows a lot of people but doesn't talk to many of them. We joke about being sad loners who spend too much time at home, but honestly we're happy with it.

It is something which is bothering me more now that I don't get to go out to work, so am beginning to think about a mother and baby group, but worry about not being able to think of anything to talk about.

ttalloo · 25/09/2010 21:40

Hi chocolatestar. I don't think it is just you - I found making friends at toddler groups very difficult, and over the course of two maternity leaves made only one good friend each time.

I have four very close friends at work, and because I live where I grew up I have my family and old schoolfriends nearby, so the lack of mummy friends wasn't a problem, but it did surprise me just how hard it was to make friends through the DSs when they were tiny.

I don't really know what to suggest to you, other than actively asking the other mums at toddler groups to go for a coffee or have a playdate - but that's easier said than done, especially if the places you go are particularly cliquey. Or perhaps if you are at the park, and you see another mum there on her own with a child of a similar age to yours, strike up a conversation, and see where that leads.

But I do feel for you - it's hard to be on your own with a little one and to have no grown-up company during the day.

Original poster

chocolatestar · 25/09/2010 21:40

Yeah we joke about that too. DH hasn't really made friends either although he is at uni just now so has some there and was in a band for a while so knows some people from that.

I went to a toddler group before I went back to work but everyone was posher than me. Sometimes I would go round to their houses which were all huge and imaculate and they had home baking and home made soup and I was totally frazzled with a messy and tiny house and never felt able to have people round. I think they thought some of the things I did were weird too such as feeding DS until he was two.

It's good that you are happy with it, I don't think it really matters if you are happy.

OP posts:

Cathycat · 25/09/2010 22:06

You may make friends with work colleagues once you start working again and with other mums when your son goes to school.

Original poster

chocolatestar · 25/09/2010 23:02

I do work now. Work colleagues are lovely but more aquaintances than friends. I don't talk to them about my personal life. I am pregnant again so maybe I will have better luck when baby 2 comes along.

OP posts:

ttalloo · 26/09/2010 11:44

Are you going to NCT classes, chocolatestar? I know lots of people who made good friends through NCT, and from what I understand it's a very inclusive and friendly environment.

Congratulations on your pregnancy, by the way!

redmoooon · 26/09/2010 12:11

I was 20 when i met DH and had our first dd at 21 and dd2 at 23. Im now 26, so for nearly 5-ish years i havent had a friend
We moved here a year ago and i was sick of being on my own all the time so i joined netmums and went on their meeet a mum thingy and i have made the best group of friends ever. We all do stuff as families and the men go to the pub :)

If i could go back i would go to every baby group possible and try alot harder than i did. goodluck :)

nevergoogle · 26/09/2010 12:14

where in scotland are you?

Original poster

chocolatestar · 26/09/2010 12:50

Falkirk area, central. I've never been on netmums so I will check that out thanks. I did NCT classes with my first pregnancy so know a couple of mums from that but don't see them anymore. I probably need to push myself more, I am quite shy and I always feel that I don't measure up to other people.

The NCT crowd were nice, I just felt a bit outside it all because they all had so much more money than we did. I doubt they cared but it made me feel insecure. We never had visitors to our house when I was growing up so now I find it really hard to have people over. My house is always messy and being a hostess makes me really anxious. I need to get over it though for the sake of DS and baby no.2

OP posts:

HecateQueenOfWitches · 26/09/2010 12:54

No. I can't make friends either. I start off ok but then for some reason they all back away.

I am hopeless at small talk and I always manage to say something to offend. I am aware that the reason I find people so hard is my own social difficulties. I am trying to work on it.

My husband otoh, makes friends wherever he goes! I try to work out what it is that he does that makes people warm to him and copy that. He also 'debriefs' me after one of my disasters

So I suppose what I am saying is look at yourself. Examine how you interact with people and see if there is anything you could do differently.

Tippychoocks · 26/09/2010 12:55

I'm always outside the "types" at groups too so I understand what you mean. It's hard to meet people but when you do I think you have to suspend your inhibitions and give out your number/chase people up and invite people round. It's hard and you do sometimes get landed with some numpties but it's the best way to move from waving at someone in the street to becoming friends.

DurhamDurham · 26/09/2010 12:58

I moved back to Durham from Bucks a few years back. I too worried because I couldn't seem to make friends like I had before I moved. But then it dawned on me that the people I know now could become good friends in the future.
It takes years for someone to be considered a really good friend, so I'm just going with the flow. I do get invited out to the cinema or for a coffee but I don't have anyone to share my dreams/secrets/moans with. Hopefully will again one day.I still keep in touch with my Bucks friends and go to see them when possible. Despite the lack of a best buddy I'm always pleased to get back Up North!

passionberry · 26/09/2010 13:12

I don't make friends easily and we have just moved to a different part of the country so I'm aware that I need to make an effort - have been to one toddler group so far and most people seemed friendly and I will try out some more groups this week.

My problem is that I am happy on my own and worry that if I make a friend they will always be ringing and wanting to come round . . . oth I know that I need to socialise or I will go weird at home on my own with the baby all the time

TBH I'm missing the easy interaction with my colleagues that I had at work but now we have moved I won't be going back.

Nothing wrong with being a loner but if you are feeling lonely you need to take Tippychoocks advice (as do I!!)

Original poster

chocolatestar · 26/09/2010 17:01

It's nice to hear that I am not the only one who struggles. I didn't have this problem in London, lots of good friends and really felt part of the community. Here I just feel really isolated. I will need to push myself more. Might see if I can do some voluntary work somewhere too, might help.

OP posts:

Sleeplessfornow · 26/09/2010 22:00

Hi chocolatestar. YANBU. I think lots of people feel this way and don't worry - it will get better. Things have changed so much once you have a child anyway and over and above that you have relocated. I am not surprised you feel like this. You have left your old life and friends and have to start up again. I suggest you keep going to NCT things and have at least one weekly thing you do (even when you are still working) - a nice church toddler group/an NCT drop in group (you don't have to be a member to be able to drop in) or a library story time and see where that takes you. Once you see a familiar face who is friendly, even if you don't know that person very well and wouldn't necessarily suggest anything or inviting over, it does make a difference. Especially once you go on ML again.
Hopefully you will find a weekly event that you enjoy and where there might be another like minded soul and once you meet them you could suggest a very relaxed activity eg a walk locally somewhere nice one afternoon/duck pond/swingpark or a soft play? Or if there is a nice leisure pool for kids go there with the kids and to coffee afterwards.
I felt shy about this when we first moved (I sympathise with you very much) but it was how I made a couple of very nice friends and it was worth forcing myself out.
And don't be put off if people can't always make it - toddler illnesses/naps etc! And if it doesn't happen then I think it is their loss! All the very best - I am sure you will be fine. It does take time and you are not alone.

Original poster

chocolatestar · 28/09/2010 22:55

Thanks. I feel a bit better knowing it's not just me. Got to make myself do things and hopefully I will meet a few like minded people.

OP posts:

LarryAdler · 29/09/2010 08:14

Hi, Just to say, I found it really hard at toddler groups etc to get beyond the obvious, but I made good friends through the NCT, not just the classes but the open houses too. Lots of people had a lot more money than us and MUCH bigger houses and all that stuff, but it has never really mattered and I think you just need to take a deep breath about it and pretend you aren't bothered, even if you are, kind of fake it til you make it stuff. Or they might to do other stuff, like Sleepless says, like a weekly pram walk or something. Hope that helps a bit.

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