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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Toxic mother has ignored my birthday

16 replies

BooBooGlass · 25/09/2010 21:13

And as much as I wish it didn't bother me, it really really does :(
I'm on my own with 2 dc and have had a very sad and depressing birthday today. When I was small my mum was a single parent and my grandparents always made sure we did something ncie for her birthday. My mum has a very short memory it seems as she offers no help at all. A card wouldn't have gone amiss, or a phone call. But no, nothing. And I can bet that this is because last month when it was her birthday we did't get her a card. Only, when I say we didn't get her one, what I mean is, I spent hours making her a really quite good chocolate cake while my 6 yo made her a card. It turns out that in all the excitement my dd forgot to give her the card, soemthign which was nto raised with me until a few weeks later when we went to stay for a week and my mum had a face liek thunder when we walked through the door. My dad told me it was because we hadn't got her a birthday card. And this is behaviour from a 53 year old woman Hmm
I live quite 300 miles from them so practically they cannot help day to day. But to forget my birthday in 'retaliation'? Fuck them. Just fuck them. I'm in counselling for am eating disorder right now and tbh it's making me very sad and angry at my mum. If I had the strength and courage I woudl get on the phone and tell her just what I think of her. But I am too stuck in the 'good girl' mentality of not wanting to show any kind of anger and just accepting this behaviour. How do I begin to deal with this? I've not had a single card or present to open today and I know at 27 it shouldn't hurt, but it bloody well does :(

OP posts:
bigchris · 25/09/2010 21:16

Happy birthday

I take it your a lone parent? What a shame no one organised your kids into making a homemade card for you

hope the counselling helps

maybe drop contact for a while until you feel better

do you feel ip to expanding your social circle so that next year you could go out for your birthday?

sharbie · 25/09/2010 21:17

i bet it does hurt and it sounds really mean and petty

you may have to try and accept her behaviour and learn to ignore it - tough to do i know

hope things improve and even if this wasn't a great birthday hope the coming year brings happiness to you Smile

Original poster
BooBooGlass · 25/09/2010 21:19

I'm a lone parent yes. My close friend is on holiday, my babysitter has moved abroad and I'm broke so goign out is difficult. I don't feel comfortable goign out atm.
It is the fact that noone's thought to do anyhting that bothers me. I couldn't give a fig about presents. But it is depressingly obvious that noone gives a toss. I'm constantly questioning just what the hell it is I've done wrong, and have come to the conclusion that it is just ME. I am just wrong.

OP posts:
MOSP · 25/09/2010 21:21

Happy Birthday from me :)

I feel for you. Sometimes I feel a bit sorry for myself, thinking that other people have a husband to organise surprise parties/nice birthday treats etc. but as a single parent, I've no chance of that.

But not getting any recognition from your mum..that's horrible.

Tras · 25/09/2010 21:28

Happy Birthday chick. Your right, your mother is extremely childish and bitchy. Pity she hasnt grew up. Just give your kiddies plenty of cuddles and go to the park or something. Celebrate your birthday when your friend gets home. Big hugs(())

c0rns1lk · 25/09/2010 21:30

Happy Birthday. Smile Your mum is being really petty and that is totally her problem and her baggage and not at all yours.

Original poster
BooBooGlass · 25/09/2010 21:33

Well when I started the thread I sent a text message 'I've had a great birthday, thanks for asking'.
My dad just called, I didn't pick up. Left a message. They'd forgotten. I don't know which is worse, if they were doing it on purpose or if they had really forgotten. How do I deal with this like a mature person and not a slighted child? I want to tell them to fark off. I am crying which makes me mad :(

OP posts:
lavenderbongo · 25/09/2010 21:34

Your Mum clearly does not deserve to have any children. You have kids yourself so you know what a gift that is. Treasure the time you have with your children. Make yourself a cake and do something nice and fun with the kids. Forget about your "Mum".

c0rns1lk · 25/09/2010 21:34

If they ring again then pick up.Have a cry down the phone if you need to. They should know how you feel.

pinemartina · 25/09/2010 21:35

BooBoo - so sorry your birthday has been sad.I'm not surprised you are hurt by your mothers cruel and ignorant behaviour.

You need and deserve to be shown love and appreciation.It is hard enough for us lone parents day in and day out,and can be extra tough on "special" days.

I guess your dc are too small to have done anything by themselves? Remember,this won't always be the case.I know it may not help now,but future birthdays,when they are older, will be different,as they will enjoy surprising you.

Could you help them to make a cake and have a little tea party with them tomorrow,get them to sing happy birthday?

Please don't think you've done anything wrong.You are doing really well.Your mother is the loser here.

Can you treat yourself in any way tonight - a warm bath,glass of wine,,anyone you can ring for a chat?

Keep posting if you feel low.

Thinking of you xx

bigchris · 25/09/2010 21:36

I'd ring your dad back
life is too short to make yourself more isolated than you already are
it doesn't cost anything to try to make friends - don't know how old your kids are but theirs toddler groups, surestart centres, joining the PTA, if the kids are Sch age volunteering at the local library all help to meet people

MabelMay · 25/09/2010 21:41

Happy Birthday BooBoo Smile

Please don't feel down. You are dealing with this like a slighted child because they are your parents, and as such they should be the two people in the world who do remember to send cards/make a phone call/make you feel loved on your birthday.

So you are right to feel upset and angry with them. But if they genuinely forgot that doesn't make them spiteful, just a bit crap.

Try not to let them bring you down.

Plan something to celebrate with your friend next weekend - if going out is not an option, then get her 'round for a drink, a gossip, and a laugh.

Hope you begin to feel better soon.

Take care.

MoralDefective · 25/09/2010 21:51

No....you just can't 'genuinely' forget your childs birthday.......blimey...i still remember friends and families birthdays from decades ago...i don't always send cards but still remember the date....my kids?...how could i ever forget!!!!

Original poster
BooBooGlass · 25/09/2010 21:53

I am going to leave it for tonight. I'm trying not to let it fester overnight, but if I call now I'll be stroppy and that's really no way to behave. I'll let them call and apologise in the morning. I just can't see how you can forget your childs birthday, but hey, I'm only 6 years into parenthood. Maybe my memory will go one day Hmm

OP posts:
ellenjames · 25/09/2010 22:15

happy birthday xx

shodatin · 26/09/2010 11:12

I've just seen this thread, and so sorry you had a lousy birthday, thanks to your parents. It occurs to me that at 53 your mum's probably going through the change, so might not be herself...Mine were difficult too.
Next year's birthday will be loads better, I'm sure. Since my husband died, I've always bought myself a birthday present, because I'm worth it! Can you buy yourself a little something, just to make up for this year? Hope you have a good year anyway, love, S

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