need to help dd with a friend problem,....

[Mummiehunnie]

Any suggestions:

DD year 8 (12/13 year olds), a group has formed of about 8 of them! DD is insecure regarding her father and me, he abused us badly after leaving for ow, court cases etc, he has had no contact for over a year!

DD has been excluded by one of the girls who is having a barmitzma (sp?), she went on about it for a year, said she was inviting dd, then when it came to it, she gave everyone excluding dd, including boys she is not close to and folk in her new class, she knew dd from junior school, they hang in same group all others invited, there has been no falling out etc...

All I can think is that dd's bf from juniour school is popular and she has renegated dd to a normal friend since secondary with dd is ok with, this other girl is despirate as re many others to be dd's former bf's best friend, and i can only put it down to this girl finding dd a threat!

The thing is how to handle dd's anger and hurt, she was taking it out on me friday as I took her early from a smaller group of friends night out, that the barmitzma girl was not included in and the anger was raging, I thankfully get what it is about....

so far i have told dd to not recognise it as tthe girl wants a reaction for some reason, by handing out infront of dd! The former bf has commented on the situation as has former bf's sister, the whole group is discussing what they are wearing and it is especially hard for dd as one girl was not at juniour school with them, and is not in the barmitzma girls class and has nothing to do with her is only in the group due to dd and she along with the others is raving about it, it is like they are not acknowledging dd's pain....

I would acknowledge and let her talk about it, I would ensure you plan something lovely for the day just the two of you. This is something we all go through at one time or another and it's good to know she'll get through it. Perhaps it's time to widen her range of friends too? Does she have any interests outside of school?

great minds think alike...

I advised her to widen friends, which she did, and the other girls in her class are not much better... You need friends in schoool to survive... she has to have someone or she will be vounerable to worse!

I also said to her to find out when it is and we will do something nice for her to tell the others!

thanks, any other idea's would be good, if I have missed anything obvious...

Bump....

If there is no falling out, and apart from this issue she still likes the girl, I would suggest she rise above it and get her a Happy Bar Mitzva (sp?) card and token gift and wish her a great day. At the least that will help prevent bitterness in future, at the best the girl will feel ashamed of her silly behaviour.

It's very difficult. As the mum of two girls I can see this kind of thing happening with my dds and they are only 8 and 6! Sadly girls do seem to go more for this type of exclusion than boys, I can remember this from my own teenage years.

It's possible that she'll probably find the other girls in her class not much better, but I think a great deal of it is insecurity as well as the self-absorption of being a teen. If she can find a friend who she really gels with and demonstrates that she can be relied on then maybe some of that insecurity will fall away.

That said, I'm trying to teach my dc to be self-reliant. Dd1 had a situation where her bf was being foul; we came up with ways in which dd1 was happier not only with other children but by herself. She's also got to the stage where she's happy to invite people to parties knowing they'll never invite her back and play with younger children knowing that she's not really forming friendships. I think what I'm trying to say is that she's secure enough not to need the validation of others (if only I was!) We talk a lot about loving yourself, being happy with your choices, knowing that you are doing your best in every situation, understanding that others make different choices, forgiving but not necessarily going back for more etc.

But I do know that secondary school can be a bit of a jungle and I feel for you.

Could you stretch to an overnight stay in a spa hotel for you and dd? Does she have a friend that you could invite to something really great?

Great posts thankyou! All dds junior and secondary school mates intertwined and going! Nct mates kids lost touch with as we moved away, not into out of school act mates, i have had a sweepout of my own previous mates! Believe me i dont like that dd is around this nonsence, just ran out of ideas of ways 2 help! She suggested card, it smacks of making dd giving it with bitterness and 2 make girl feel bad, which i doubt she will, it has always been always all about me with that girl and her mum seems the same, we didnt have a great deal 2 do with them in junior, also dont want others in group 2 c dd as a scapegoat or doormat, so no card or gift will b given,12 yrs allowed into what spas, cant get her a bday massage at local place? Helps 2 talk through

Unfortunately these are things a lot of kids have to deal with in school, making/losing friends, being/not being invited to parties etc. I'm also doing that now with my kids and they're only 4 + 5yo.

Anyway, the thing I've found works a treat is to offer a good alternative, say like, going swimming, enroll in outside activities, eg, martial arts/youth/sports clubs etc. The reason I suggest this (especially the martial arts) is because your DD will socialise with other people and then realise there's more to life than who she hangs out with at school. Not only that but she could keep fit and fell better about herself AND there's the self-discipline aspect of it as well (where similar situations crop up and she walks away from them instead of getting upset IYSWIM).

BTW, even best friends can grow apart and move on as they get older.

Hope it all works out for your DD. Take care

If dd wants to give a card out of friendship and not bitterness why not let her? It shows great maturity on her part. OTOH if it is done with the motive of shaming the other girl then I agree, best not to.

Asd for spas, I believe that massage isn't suitable for children who are still growing. If you wanted to stay in a hotel witha spa you can google some and ask them what their policy is re children. Many do promote themselves as 'family friendly' but whether that means older children can join in with the spa stuff will be up to the individual hotel. Certainly I had spa treatments at that age, and she should be able to get manicure/pedicure, use a pool/hot tub and maybe have a facial depending on her skin type.

Do you have a local amateur dramatics society? They have lots of things for young teens to do - it's a great way of building her confidence and making friends outside of school. (She doesn't have to be involved in acting, if she doesn't want to; there are always lots of other activities.)

ah bless you all, done the amdram, and yes i realise that children sometimes get left out of parties, as I said she is 12 this is not the first time lol..... yes I bf's are not that forever, that has changed ok, it is the other girl....this is something different to toddler and juniour school stuff.. I am in mid thirties and still I can remember how important it is to be protected as a teen in secondary, although my dd is yet to become a teen she is not long 12 !!! these other girls also have started their periods and dd has not, so they are a bit ahead of her emotionally and hormonally! and I think that is why the bitchy, nasty, irratic, insecure behavior coming from them is all about!

I don't think that there is much more that is actually going to be productive in this thread, as I seem to have covered all corners you kind ladies have taken the time to discuss! Unless a mum of a year 8 girl has any helpfull idea's, as it is very different to younger children stuff, it is like going through another stage of identity as they do aged 3-5 but with bigger pain and consequences, and HORMONES!!!