I need some help as dh's lack of affection is making me very resentful

[arabella2]

Don't know where to start really, but dh is MUCH more affectionate to the kids than he is to me. I know this is normal to a certain extent but I feel totally left out in the cold and have done for a long time now. When I have told him about it he has said various things ranging from I can get my hugs from the kids (as well as giving them to them of course ), I have had my turn, he is bored of how childish I am... When I suggested about 6 weeks ago that we talk about our relationship (albeit at the wrong time and in the wrong tone I think after a big argument) he told me I was "too unintelligent" to talk about it... When things are relaxed between us (rare, maybe if we are away) then I forget about all this, but things are tense between us or just not as I would like too much of the time. I would love to go to a counsellor to clear a lot of my issues and he is angry with me about things as well, but he would not agree to this (has told me this in the past) - also we are strapped for cash so he would not like to pay for it. When I confronted him a while ago with how badly we were getting on (it has improved a little) he said he didn't care and I think that's just it. He doesn't really care. It's a difficult time for him as he is working extremely hard trying to start a new business so he comes home extremely tired. The main thing he wants to do is work (well he doesn't really want to work how he is doing but feels he does not have a choice) and see the kids. We don't sleep in the same bed as I end up co-sleeping always with dd (17.5 months) and often ds as well (4 in November). This leaves dh alone or sometimes with ds. We have a large attic and recently (past 2 or 3 nights) we have all slept up there - dd on a mattress with me and dh on a mattress with ds. Thing is I don't think I can do this anymore as I get very angry seeing how dh lies protectively round ds in a very loving way and then the next second will snap at me about something. I am posting this because last night when I was feeling jealous of dh cuddling ds I thought that these feelings of resentment are getting too strong now and I want to deal with them somehow. I certainly don't want to be jealous of my son whom I love very much. Thing is, if the person you so desperately want to discuss things with refuses to do so, what are you supposed to do? I could go on for hours about our relationship - things that I do that annoy him and vice versa but it would be too long. I suppose I am very bored at home all the time and feel in the inferior position somehow for lots of reasons... Also, and it's not a small also, I am 12 weeks pregnant and wonder how on earth we are going to cope with 3 kids and whether our relationship will deteriorate even further. At the moment I feel unloved and sorry for myself especially considering that I am bloody pregnant - last time he gave me a hug was bank holiday weekend (possibly one other time since then) and that's cos we were away. Last time we were intimate with each other is I think when I became pregnant (but have been feeling totally crap since then and not really in the mood for that kind of thing). I need a little bit of affection from him every day to keep me going - I don't expect the same level of adoration as he has for the kids as it is a different kind of relationship, but it's as if he expects to keep on running on empty and I just cannot do it.

bumping this for you, wish I could help. If he's not even acknowledging the problem then not sure what can be done. Does sound as though he's extremely stressed with work. I have found that some men find it difficult to focus on more than one issue at a time.

What happens if you make the first affectionate gesture?
Is it that you are getting out of the habit touching each other so one of you needs to make the first move?

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Sounds a bit to me like he's heading for a breakdown due to pressure of work. My DH was a bit like that when we went though our bad patch.

Not sure what you can do about it though if he won't consider councelling. As you're preggers though I would mention it at your anti-natal check. Midwives where I live do ask about the stability of your home life. They may be able to refer you to someone that can help.

I really hope things get better for you. My relationship has always been at it's worst when I've been pg so I know how hard it can be.

Big virtual hug.

Thanks. Yes it is a bit that we are out of the habit of touching each other. Or I think well, if you are not going to be affectionate then I will stand back as well. If he is leaning forward giving dd loads of kisses while she is in my arms, then why can't he slip one in for me???
Sleeping in the same bed is important I know, will have to wean dd completely off breastfeeding and then she will sleep better and then maybe we can contemplate having part of the night together. The thing is, dh really likes sleeping with ds and once told neighbours he slept with ds (in a phase when he was doing it all the time) and he was "cuddlier than me". Yes but I think I could arrange for us to be together and alone until maybe they both came to join us in our bed either middle of the night or early morning, don't mind that at all.
I know pregnancy is a hard time for relationships - ironic isn't it - you're making a baby together and are at your worst together as well.

I can really understand how you feel Arabella because my dp is exactly how you describe yours. He is totally in love with his kids and never really shows me much affection unless he is going to get something out of it i.e sex. He never just gives me a kiss like he does the kids and I too resent it so much, not so much now because my ds who is 3 is much more affectionate with me than he is with his Daddy so it balances out more. DD who is 5 often cuddles up with Dad and DS cuddles up with me. But I totally understand where you are coming from with the love you can clearly see in his eyes for the kids and you just think to yourself "why isn't he so openly affectionate with me". I love cuddling and am a very cuddly/kissing type of person but my dh is not, he doesn't move away if I try and kiss or cuddle him but he never makes the first move and even when it comes to sex he never makes the first move he always waits for me.

I don't think I can give you much advice but I can sympathise and let you know you are not alone!!!

My dp gets stressed very easily and is a poor sleeper but that doesn't mean he can't be affectionate because if he wasn't an affectionate person then he wouldn't cuddle the kids like he does.

I don't think you can blame it on work though, I think some men just find it hard to communicate their love to their partners/wives.

Not trying to 'blame' it on the work, but just observing that with my DH and I the greater part of the problem was his near breakdown caused by money worries and work pressure. I have also observed this in my childrens godparents relationship. My DH bottled up all the stress and pressure and wouldn't share it with me at all, so found that he was resenting me as part of the cause instead of allowing me to help and support him. But maybe this isn't relevant, just my observation.

I know it's the work as well because when he is more relaxed he is happier and in a nutshell just nicer (to me). But like Crazydazy's dp, it's also his "relating personality". If there was one thing I could change it would be this - to have a more openly affectionate, open and loving relationship. Crazydazy, do you sometimes take your dp's lack of affection as lack of love for you? I do with dh and this is what makes me depressed about the relationship and also not do the things I know he would like me to do because I think why should I - I don't get anything back.

Arabella2 - I don't have much advice for you as my DH is equally unaffectionate to me. The only time he hugs me now is when we've had a massive row and I'm hysterical.

Weren't you supposed to be moving to Scotland a while back? Did you ever go through with it?

Oh no we didn't - it was only one of our many flights of fantasy. We are still in London - but I would like to move somewhere greener. London's multicultural side is what I like though and I don't know where else (in the countryside!) you would find that. Sorry your dh is like mine! We should start a club. Does he hug and kiss your kid(s)?

I made a pact with myself to kiss and hug my dp at least once a day for a week - see what would happen - it improved things for us. I realised he felt I was being as unaffectionate as i thought he was iyswim. Try it you might be surprised

I will I will ark - got to eat my pride or whatever you say and start doing this again because it's a bit like the North Pole between us.

A childs love/affection is totally unconditional and maybe he really needs that (as do you). I agree with ark, sometimes if you want things to change then you have to make changes first for it to happen. Be to him how you would like him to be with you and im pretty sure things will improve. And PLEASE dont start getting jealous of your kids its a really bad route to go.

Im sorry you are having such a hard time, it sounds like he is too. Esp as you are pg and when we all are a bit more sensitive. (Hope that doesnt come across as patronising but my DP hated it when im pg as im very irrational and paranoid and sensitive and moody and angry and sleepy and expect him to know which one of the above i am feeling at all times of the day etcetcetcetc )

Thats about the best advice i can give.

I hope things get better for you

Sounds a bit like my dh too!

Perhaps we have lost our mystique!
Children change and grow, they are interesting and give love and smiles to those that love, care and nurture them.

They don't ask 'how was your day?', they show you treasures from the garden.There's always something new to observe in them.

Seeing how lovely dh is with the children reminds me of how loving he can be, even when he is being distant, stand offish and appears to be pushing me away. I definately have had the feeling that DC's rule in dh's eyes and spontaneous affectionate love appears to be saved for them. I have been jealous and probably cross particularly with ds at some points in our life together so far.

I think you need to stop the bed swapping business before the baby arrives because there could be some resentment of the change in situations by your older 2 if the new baby seems to be the one who changes their bed time arrangements.

What you need to work on is you, what makes you stand tall and proud, interested in life around you. What attracted you to each other in the first place? Can you find some time to pursue your own interests?

Also are you a romantic - do you notice when others seem to be holding hands and not you? Do you watch a film, read a book and visualise your relationship differently? Remember it's fiction.

I know people who paint marvellous pictures of their life, they have rosy tinted glasses and good luck to them but I know for a fact they dont't have that perfect marriage or those ideal children etc etc.Perhaps they try to keep your glass half full as we all should. Dwelling on failings will not make them better it only serves to get you down, I know that.

Do you dislike or resent his behaviour and therefore find it more difficult to get close to him as a result? Perhaps it's time for you to be more physically attentive in the relationship, he's tired, he's working hard, relax him!!It does not have to be sex.

Heaven knows, you'll need relaxing in a few months!

Sorry this is a long post, I do know where you are coming from and have experienced this - and still do sometimes more than others. Bridge the void and keep positive about yourself.

Positive vibes your way.

Yes I do dislike and resent his behaviour quite a lot - when under stress he can be quite rude to me in a way which I find really disrespectful. Last night he came to bed absolutely covered in my favourite moisturiser (sounds dreadfully petty) and he knows this annoys me (there are other creams he could use) but does it anyway. Even though I'm spending communal money surely my Liz Earle moisturiser is still mine (he puts it on hands, feet, face... liberally)...
Yes I am a romantic and do view most people as having a better relationship than mine! And yes I do agree that the most important thing is working on yourself and what you want to enjoy and do in your own life so thank you for all of that! Yes I know that I child's love is totally unconditional and I'm sure dh needs/wants that but then dh's "love" of me is very conditional - sometimes talks of how "useful" or not I am and I never quite know if he is joking or not...
Thanks for the nice thoughts and vibes.

Also, he never makes any allowance for my physical state. I get very tired at the end of the day partly because of being pregnant but it would never in million years occur to him to change his working pattern to be home earlier or work out some compromise in "shifts"... This afternoon I had a bit of a paddy at the kids when they were repeatedly going through the fridge and turning off the washing machine (you then have to start the cycle again) in the case of the 17 month old, and whining at my feet and picking up the sharp knife for no good reason (3 year old)... Then I feel bad for reacting the way I did and think that if I had a bit more back up and support I wouldn't need to get to that stage. I know dh is knackered as well but I also don't think he manages his time that well. Out very early and back very late - I know I'm not being that sympathetic but I was abroad with my parents for a while because I needed more help - he really wanted us (or the kids) and was pleased to see us but hasn't modified the way he does thing one bit. Has asked me when I complained of being tired what was I tired of sitting? Also told me I need a gym...

Does my dh live with you????

No but maybe our dh's should live together. The idea of a commune where the women support each other (and occasionally see their men when they need a bit of lovin') sounds great... That's why when extended families live together (like in India), if they get on it works very well I think. If they don't it must be hell though ...