I resent my partner

[TrippleBerryFairy]

I am so frustrated.

Our relationship is not quite working, at least for me. I just feel so alone.

I don't knwo whether I am just being oversensitive. I feel unheard, invisible and unwanted. Unappreciated and ignored. He always puts himself and his needs first it seems. I have to ask him to do things. He will nap whenever it suits him, falls asleep in front of tv quite often while I sleep in the bedroom, it makes me feel like I live with some lodger not a partner. We hardly have any sex life and that's mostly when he comes back from the pub (not very often). He is not that interested in pleasing me and openly said once that he would like to have sex where he wouldn't have to do anything as it's hard work. Wtf?...

I feel like I've been cheated, we met and I fell pregnant 4 months into relationship so didn't have much time to get to know him better. I feel like he is not the person I thought he was. He just makes my blood boil and sometimes I wake up in the night and when I start thinking about us I can't sleep because of the anger I have towards him.

Communication between us is scarce. He can happily spend the day working on the computer (like today) or in front of tv or napping endlessly. I feel he has no empathy, all his empathy is in words only, e.g. I have been complaining about feeling low and tired but he doesn't ask me whether I am ok, how I am feeling and why and doesn't see the need to help with the chores unless I nag. Wtf?...
He says he loves me but I just don't SEE it. I HEAR the words but I don't SEE it! For me loving someone is making the other person happy, taking care of their emotional etc needs. I actually suspect that his feelings towards me might be pretty shallow or else he must be blind or an idiot.

More about the communication. I presume that when a couple goes out for a meal they talk to each other, ask questions, make jokes, and both partys are involved. We sometimes can sit for 5-10 minutes in silence unless I break it asking him something. He seems to be unable (unwilling, too lazy???) to show interest or find something to talk about. This just drives me up the wall.

The thoughts about our future depress me. I feel desperate thinking that I might be spending my life with him - absorbed in his own world, no real communication, no sex, no help around the house. It's not the relationship I wanted to have. There's not much in it for me. I fanthasize about meeting someone who would be attracted to me, who would want me and would show that, who would want to please me and not be lazy.
I am almost 30 and the thought of sex once in 2 months saddens me greatly. Worse than that is the lack of real communication. Lack of that spark we had in the beginning. Lack of his interest in me. Lack of willingness to understand me.

Recently we had a bad argument for 2 days. What made me very very sad and disillusioned is that at the very end of it, when we made up he said 'would you marry me?'. Could not have dreamt of shittiest proposal. Not that I am desperate for us to get married but I hinted a few times in the past.

I could go on and on. He is snoring next to me and I would like to hit him in the head with the mouse. At the same time I feel sorry for him somehow.

Thanks for letting me went.

don't marry him.

sort it out together - go to Relate?

or leave him.

This was my rel;ationship.

It deteriorated into violence and I'm glad, because then I felt I had a solid reason to leave.

I should have left earlier.

I'm 30, and we've been split 3.5 years, and we are both really happy with someone new.

It doesn't have to be miserable.

I would advise you to book an appointment at relate. If he won't go with you, it tells you all you need to know.

Oh my god you are me! That is everything i think and feel about my relationship but haven't been able to put properly into words. I have glimpses sometimes of it getting better, sometimes we really seem ok but mostly i am miserable and wanting to get out. I have no advice obviously because i am going throught the same and just sort of put up with it. sorry, hope things get better. x

Yes this is my marriage at the beginning, and I am still in it. I don't know if I am stupid, I keep reading other people's threads on here and recognising my marriage in there.
Just for your infor, mine started out like this. It is now worse. I used to try to help him, thinking he just had some communication issues. He still is the same.
He used to say he has nothing to say to me because I am boring, he doesn't want to have sex with me because I look a mess......I fell for it.
Please, the man is not an idiot. He knows how to have a relationship work, but he can't be bothered.
I would say get out based on my own experience. But not sure really, because I am crap and can't even make a decision myself.
Listen to others, leave.

It sounds like a relationship that would have run its course if you hadn't got pregnant.

Have you considered just getting out and getting on with your life? Sometimes it is for the best.

This is how my marriage was. I ended it. And thank myself every day for it. Hope you make the right decision for you.

If you hadn;t been PG you would have dumped him by now. The fact that you have a child with him doesn't actually mean that you owe him a lifetime's domestic service and free sex.
That your relationship isn;t working doesn;t make either of you bad people, though. It just means you're not very compatible.
SIt him down and say that you don't think the relatinship is working and you would like to sort out an amicable separation. He may well be relieved because he may feel that he doesn;t love you as his life partner either yet didn;t want to be the one to walk away as it would seem like 'dumping the mother of his child ie Bad Selfish Irresponsible Man'.
Of course he may complain and want you to remain as his partner, but by the sound of it that will be because what he wants from you is domestic service, oh and free sex when he can be bothered to do it. There is more to life than this.

I do think about how it would be had I not gotten pregnant. If I was in this relationship and we didn't have DS I would probably leave because what's the point.

I have an adorable DS and don't regret having him for a second, I just wish DP was different. I think he does love me in his own way. I know he is loyal, dedicated and really wants to have a future with me. He wants more children with me so I guess he does think of me as a life-long partner. He does say he loves me pretty often it is just that I would like it to be expressed in a different way. I think he would be devastated if I sat him down and offered amicable separation. All this makes me feel like maybe I am the one with issues here as if I want something unreasonable.

I get angry with him very easily. E.g. it pisses me off when he says he's tired because it's always about him, as if I am never tired! All seems to be about him not me. He sometimes jokingly says 'you may love me forever' and while before I used to laugh at it now it pisses me off too. Everything is always about him.

colditz, I sometimes think that if he ever touched me that would be my way out. I don't htink he ever will but I do understand when you say you are glad your DP got violent!

I am actually quite surprised that quite a few of you are in the same sort of relationship. I always look at other coulpes and get sad as to me so may of them seem to be so happy and caring for each other.

SGB I know I don't owe him anything. I would just like to make it work as it's not that bad in general and it can potentially be good. I don't think he would go to Relate, he doesn't believe in counselling. And he doesn't seem to actually HEAR me when I try telling him how I feel, I have to have a meltdown/argument to get through to him (and I am sick of that).

It's nice to be able to talk about this. Funny enough, my mom was staying with us some time ago and she wasn't very impressed with him (although when we visited my parents in the past he presented himself well). She was left to look after DS while he napped all day long - what sort of hospitality is that??? Just to add, my mom doesn't speak english and she actually cried that day. I was furious that he treated her as if she was a free nanny or something and not my mom! I just don't understand this, if someone was staying with us and would not understand english I would still try my best to make them feel comfortable and welcomed. He just couldn't be bothered and again put himself first

I am waffling again. Thank you for your replies...

You got pregnant just 4 months into your relationship? That is no time to get to know anyone. I think you are making a rod for your own back by blaming partner completely for things, though. Perhaps taking some of blame yourself will soothe your anger.

You're BOTH to blame (OK he may be 75% and you only 25%)for getting involved so quickly.

But, hey, we all make mistakes. Just don't blame him solely IYSWIM.
Make plans to end things is my advice.

Blaming him completely will be destructive for you. Just say to yourself: 'I've been foolish, but I can move on.' Much better for you.

OP, your relationship sounds crappy. And without a concerted serious effort I really don't see it going anywhere but worse. Do you think he's capable of wanting to change? If he's not, would you be happy with things to continue the way they are forever? Have you tried to communicate your unhappiness to him?

You don't have to stay in any relationship forever if it's not making you happy. Doesn't matter how much he loves you, you deserve a better relationship and will just get old and bitter in a relationship that makes you this dissatisfied. Instead you could leave him, find someone who wants you sexually, cherishes you as a person and is an equal partner in all your endeavours (they do exist, I have one).

To sum: try and change things, go to counselling, tell him how you feel exactly, see if he's capable of change. If not, leave and find the relationship and life you deserve before you're old and bitter.

Bloody hell this could be me writing this post, i feel for you, it is a miserable existence, it doesnt seem to peek to anything so horrendous that you can justify throwing him out, but it is slowly killing you and everything you once felt for him, IMO, it seems to me that he is also not happy, but cant be bothered to sort it out,so i think it will be left to you to do all the hard work, IMO i think some men know its not working, but as long as they get to do want they want, get a shag, get their washing/cooking done and someone takes care of their kids they seem to be happy to settle for their lot.(i know not all men are like this obviously but i think its more men than women) i am sorry you are in this predicament, i am too you arent alone, i expect other posters have said about CAB, and a free session from a solictor etc, this is what i am doing now, listen to your gut feeling, and you will know what you need to do, keep us posted, take care x

You are right marantha, blaming him for everything is making me ill. I have difficulty accepting that maybe a part of the blame lies with me though. I cannot see what am I going wrong here... Should I just be more tollerant and forgiving maybe?...

It is very miserable. Like susiedaisy said nothing ever escalates to anything that would justify leaving but such day to day life is depressing. We have times when we are good together but I feel they sink in the sea of the rest.

dizietsma, I tried a few times to highlight that I am not very happy. He did get better a little, started cooking more often and doesn't spend that many weekends at TV as he used to. I just don't know how to approach this me feeling unwanted, ignored and un-nurtured part. When I try to look for examples why I feel like that I start questioning myself. What if I am overreacting and problem lies with me?
I just feel like maybe I demand too much from the poor sod? I feel ashamed in a way as if the blame of him not wanting/not being interested in me lies with me. I hate asking for love and attention.

I do sometimes think that an awful lot boils down to him not wanting he sexually. It hurts me and makes me want to hurt him (verbally). I do sometimes makes sarcastic remarks about our sex life and he knows I am not happy. I stoped initiating things a while ago cause he just rejects me and it infuriates me.

I need to find out exactly why I feel the way I feel so I can explain that to him. Maybe write everything down as in an argument it all gets lost.

I don't think you're doing anything wrong NOW- but you were wrong to pick this guy as father of your child in the first place (OK, pregnancy not intended-but could you have been more careful? I'm not judging you, btw). That, I think, was your error.

What I'm trying to say that this mess is partly your fault. I don't mean this in a bad way, but you've got to take a little bit of blame. Better than being totally blaming him -that will lead to angry outbursts and bitterness.
Accept it's partly your fault and move on. Easier said than done, I know.

No point going on about the early pregnancy, marantha, as the child is here now and loved by his mother.

OP- When he wakes up you need to tell him that when your DS has gone to bed tonight you need to talk to him. Don't be pushed into talking when your ds is up.

Tell him how you feel, tell him what you need from him from now on and tell him what the consequences will be if he doesn't feel able to give you that.

Do not marry him. At least not yet until you have a relationship that makes you both happy for ever.

This was my marriage and it was terrible, what started as mild resentment grew to full on hatred and i was miserable. I had a child with him very early into the relationship and i did try to make it work and also prove everyone wrong.. This did not happen..

I became ill with grief about what my life had become. I could not imagine a future, i wanted to kill myself, the only reason i had for living was my son but even so i felt like a shit mum who couldnt stand up for herself and change the situation, what kind of role model was a being?

Luckily for me my marriage reached a crescendo and a lot of violence, finally i had my ticket out and i have never looked back.

We are after 8 years apart firm friends and united in the job of bringing up our son.

I feel sorry for you and i remember all that you describe like it was yesterday.. my Mum gave me a prayer (im not religious but she is) and it became and still is my mantra for life..

..grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change, change the things i can and the wisdom to know the difference..

Good luck with whatever you decide x

What you said about your shity propoal trang bells with me. My h asked me to marry him afer a row on holiday. turns out he'd decided he wanted to aks me on holiday but hadn;t found the right time :(

So apparently the morning after a huge row, when i woke u alone as he;d 2gone for a walk to think" was a good time. As the words came out, i wished they'd stop. he'd vene told me he wanted a proposal to eb special becuase he'd only do it once. a few months later he let slip, he 'd proposed t an ex, but she turned him down

onelastchance, oh dear. I assume you said yes as he is your H now? My DP proposed after a row where I said clearly that if things don't change I don't see us lasting for much longer. I also wished he would just shut up when he said it. I behave as if it never happened as it is just not the way to do it if he was serious. I believe I deserve a decent proposal, this was just a shit. I think he knows it.

marantha, with retrospect, yes, I should have waited till I get to know him better before getting pregnant. Can't turn back time now so I am trying to make the best from what we have.

dodgyinnit, did you tell your ex how you felt, was he aware? Did he do anything so save the relationship or wasn't that interested?

Yesterday we had another argument with lots of shouting. We were supposed to go to friends son's birthday party and I was getting ready to go there alone as he wasn't going there after the row. But then he came in as i was getting ready and hugged me and apologized and said he wanted to go with me. And it was great, we had a good time.
Another thing is that he is more ready to apologize after an argument than me. I can fume for days so maybe I have to work on it. This morning we talked about everything and I was very clear in telling why I am unhappy and what I would like to get from him.

I think I have to make an effort too, he does work hard and his job is such that he needs to learn new things all the time if he wants to progress. I sometimes maybe don't see that when he spends a day in front of computer he was actually working hard.

needafootmassage I feel a little bit ashamed of myself for making him look dull. He is not, he is actually very intelligent person with ambition and ideas. He can listen to me if I am willing to speak up. I just tend to bottle things up and then explode so maybe I should let him know when he upsets me there and then. I know I am defending him but he is my DP and I want to make this work so of course I am!

Ok, I better get up and jump into shower while DS is still asleep...

Ys mozeral, i did say yes. At the time i really wanted to marry him and thought if i said no, he wouldn't ask again