V v v v v sensitive subject for the attention of Mumsnetters with elderly parents

[nameymcnamechange]

My parents are 79 and 80 and not dependent on me in any way.

I am not particularly close to them in that I do not live nearby but I also mean not emotionally "close" for various reasons. Mainly it boils down to neither of them being particularly great parents, I think.

They have been divorced for more than 30 years, btw, so I have separate relationships with them iyswim.

However, I do love them both and still see/speak to them.

And yet, I cannot summon up great feelings of dread and fear about them dying. Do you think this is because they have both reached a very good age (especially as both of them smoked heavily from the ages of 15 to about 70) or am I just heartless? or am I deluded?

When I think about my parents dying I envisage myself being able to accept it without great feelings of mourning or grief, more a sort of gentle acceptance.

Perhaps I am in for a massive shock?

Does anyone know what I mean?

not really, I lost my Dad 10 years ago and I think it was probably the worst time of my life.
It also changed me. I think when your parents die you will start to remeber some things about them that you had forgotten and gain some perspective on your relationship with them.

My father died four years ago, in his eighties. We weren't close but I saw him regularly, more often in his last few months when he was ill. He was pretty brave about it and I admired how he handled things at the end.
But I certainly wasn't distraught. Though he was frightened of dying he had had enough of living. He hated doctors and hospitals and being ill and he refused any further treatment the day before he died. So in some ways I was relieved for him.
Also I had realised several months before that he wasn't going to make it through the year, and when he developed his final illness, it was obvious that was what it was. So I think I did some of the grieving in advance. Perhaps that's what you've done too.

Yes namey, I can understand what you are feeling... my dad is quite a bit older than my mum, so I seem to have been thinking about him passing away for so many years that I think I may have "thought out" alot of the grief...like you, wondering if I am in store for a freight train of emotion when the inevitable does happen.

I understand how you feel.
I have discussed this with various friends and we all agree that mother nature has a way of helping up to accept the loss of our parents.
Obviously this isn't relevant if someone dies unexpectedly.

I used to dread my parents dying , in a way I still do but certainly not as much.
Mine live in Canada and we visit annually. Our relationship has become more and more strained (maybe not the right term) over the years and the tables have turned in who is caring for who iykwim.
I don't love them any less but I think I have become slightly detached compared with how I felt yrs ago.

Who knows if we are in for a shock.

I compare it to how we feel about our children , by the time they leave home the relationship has altered on both sides. the teen more independent and the parent slightly exasperated , resulting in a much easier parting
See- it's Mother Natures way of preparation for separation.

Mine are also 79 and 80. Mum is incredible for her age and is arranging a charity fund raising evening where she will do daft things like dress up as Florence Nighingale and sing on stage.

Dad not so great

They are fantastic grandparents will hit dc hard as they see them every week.

I hope they will go on for quite a while longer, not quite ready to lose them yet...I assume the time will come when they will need care and acceptance will come to me that this is their time to go...that's a nice way of putting it ggirl.

namey-
yep-you might be in for a terriffic shock.
my parents wasnt paticcally good parents-
my mum was mentilly ill and my dad was a tosser.
when my mum was dying-i was there for her and i cried buckets-both for her and for me-
and for what might of been.
this by then left me and a senile dad-
i went back and did my best by him-
when i went back-i walked through the door and saw him standing there-i looked at him and thought"yes you bastard-this is payback time-he could see this-and for the first time i saw fright-cos he knew he was fucked.
i wasnt scared of him no more-
i turned around and did the best by him-
i looked after him and give him the best food-
i then did by the best by him in death-
i was with him when he died-and i did hold hes hand and told him to go on-and forgive him.

the sheer fact that youre asking this question shows youre a good person-
yeah-you might be shocked-but you will do ok!

My dad died unexpectedly at the age of 72. We lived a few hundred miles apart but we happened to be visiting at the time (Christmas). It was very traumatic at the time but even more so when I got back to my life and realised he wasn't still there. I have never been really close to my parents but I have become closer to my mum now as time goes by. My brother lives on the other side of the world so my 450 miles starts to look quite close! We're now 18 years on from my Dad's death. My Mum is now 84. She's not in the best of health and I know that although we don't have a very close Mother and daughter relationship that I will be hit very hard. My DDs didn't know their grandpa but they do love Gran and it will hit them hard and that will have a huge effect on me.

I think you have to be realistic about yourself. My dad died about a year ago. If I am totally honest I didn't like him very much - he wasn't a useles parent or a monster or anything like that - but he was quite a weak character who wasn't immediately likeable and wasn't a "great dad". I have felt sad and cried a bit since he died but I haven't really strong feelings, probably because he wasn't a strong figure in my life.

I think the main thing is not to beat yourself up - there are expectations about how you might feel, but all you can really go on is how you feel.

My parents are elderly, ill, and living abroad. We can't afford to visit them, and my dad is too ill for them to travel here. I have had some problems with them off and on for the past few years, which followed a few years of no communication with them at all. I admit that I am sad that I cannot visit and will not even be able to afford to go to their funerals when they do pass on, but there's nothing I can do about it.

I am sure I will be torn up when the inevitable happens, but at the same time, the distance at least keeps us from being emotionally closer, which I suppose in a way is a bit of cushioning for the blow. I can't imagine that I will get through it without tears and upset, but I also admit that they don't really do much to make me want to be closer - no acknowledgement really of our two youngest or my DH - they say they have no issues with DH but basically ignore him and our children in any communication. So it keeps me at arms length anyway, so to speak. I imagine I will be sad, and feel that it was such a waste for the relationship between us to get so distant, but I swear some days I've often felt they (my parents) had children because it was expected of them (in those days) rather than because they wanted them, if that makes sense.

I can understand how you feel OP. DH feels the same about his elderly mother. I think after you have kids perhaps you realise that life goes on beyond both your life and that of your parents?

It's hard isn't it? You see people who are devasted when their parents die and yet in your heart of hearts you wonder if you will feel the same.

Growing up I was closer to my Mum than my Dad. He and I are very alike and rubbed each other up the wrong way a lot. However since he retired and came to terms with some things that happened he has mellowed hugely. He is now a Grandad to 9 and is fab. All the DCs love him and he really makes and effort with them etc.

Mum has always been a nervy type and over the last 9 years or so has deteriorated and has had a couple of small strokes. She has some form of dementia now too. We all find it really frustrating as she has never done anything to help herself and her physical deterioration is much worse than it could and should be. I have 3 sisters and I think we all feel that she is dragging my dad down in a way as he has to do so much for her. He does all the washing, cooking, cleaning, shopping etc. I have certainly gotten to the stage that I hope she goes soon. Which is horrible and very hard to admit. I feel very angry with her and find it hard to be patient. I also feel sad that we are missing out on a lot of things that other families do because she wouldn't look after herself.

My mother is dying of cancer. We are here with her this weekend.

I love her dearly and will miss her for the rest of my life but I dont fear or dread her dying. She is in her 80's and has been unwell for some time.

We have discussed her dying and she is happy, she has had a great life and is ready to go. I want her last few weeks to be happy, free from pain and surrounded by family. When you are old and ill dying becomes part of a natural process and a way forward from your suffering.

When she is gone I will miss her every day as I do my dad. Many times I would have wanted to talk with him again.

I do think the most important thing you can do is spend time with the dying, so you are there to talk with them when they want to and just sit with them when they dont need to talk. We are not good at death in our culture and tend either to medicalise it or push it away rather than embracing it as any other part of life.

Its a tough one to think about, but how you treat the dying, is as important as how you bring up your kids. Incidently they are here too, they know grandma is dying and they may not see her again, but I think it is important for them to see that even though she is ill she is still grandma and still loves them

I also feel it's part of life and not something to be feared/dreaded. It's not like it's a surprise when you are over seventy is it? No-one lives forever. We're mostly lucky because we get to be a good age in the UK when we die. But we are, but human beings and our bodies break down.