marriage guidance and/or info on divorce law

[anto]

Hi

Is anyone able to recommend any mariage guidance/couples counselling in the London area? i also, sadly, need to know a little bit about divorce law and the way it works.

Yesterday morning at 8.30 a man rang on my doorbell and told me that his wife and my husband are having an affair and that it's been going on since mid-May. I have a 2yr 10mth old and a 4 month old. I am really struggling to hold it all together and I need to know what I am entitled to. At the moment my husband is talking about leaving us and doesn't believe me when I say he will still have to support us in the marital home for the foreseeable future, but I think that's correct. Also the woman he is thinking of leaving me for has 2 small kids but isn't married to their father so I understand he will have to support the children but not her. Which means, I think, that my husband will have to support us and him & her, somehow. I am still breastfeeding and not due to go back to work (2 days a week) till next Jan. I have a nanny 2 days a week and he says she will have to go first of all.

And all this because he felt 'trapped' by arrival of a much-wanted second baby. Ironic, isn't it, as now he's going to be well and truly shackled.

So sorry to hear about your situation anto. you have come to the right place, there are many mums here that can help you.I dont know the dynamics of the divorce laws even though I have been divorced.Ex had nothing so I got nothing except 4 wonderful kids.

Plenty of advice here though.

Hi anto,

Poor you. Such devastating news for you. My thoughts are with you, you must feel very bewildered and short changed. Anyway, onto the legal side of things, I am not a lawyer but have hubby who is so will ask him for you. My brother also is a family barrister so I can ask him too. I think though from what I've heard he will certainly have to support you and the children. Not sure whether it will be the home you are in now but think it is unless it's unreasonably big. He will also have to pay you maintenance for each child and I also think you are entitled to half of anything he has. Will check all this though. Don't know about the nanny. If he can prove he can't afford it maybe she will.
Re the marriage guidance. Sorry don't know anyone in particular but you could try Relate. How do you feel about it all, do you want him back ?

Sorry doesn't read well, less haste !!! I meant to say maybe she will have to go in ref to the nanny.

I'm so sorry Anto. What an awful situation. You are pretty much right, and yes, as I understand it he will have to support you and the kids certainly for the immediate future with the aim of an eventual settlement that will provide for you in a lump sum (the clean break principle), provide a home for you both and provide continuing support for the children. His girlfriend's ex will have to pay child support, but she will have no claim on his pension, assets, property etc and thought the CSA formula includes a small proportion as a carer's allowance, it isn't support in the sense a married woman would expect. He is in for a rude shock if he leaves to set up home with this woman - and he will still have two children, and they won't even be his! He has no right to tell you to get rid of the nanny. If you divorce, a court will decide what he has to pay and you can decide how to spend it. However, you may not be able to afford her. It depends on how well off your husband is. This is very new, but seeing a solicitor will make your position clearer. Do you know what your husband earns and how much he has as savings and what your house is worth etc? For counselling call Relate or London Marriage Guidance - numbers in the book. YOu can go alone if he won't.

Yes you are entitled to at least half of what he has. Probably more, if he's not super-rich.

have said so on another thread, but wanted to repeat that i'm extremely sorry you have been left in this s**y situation. please get legal advice asap.

why are men so b**y useless?

Bossykate has put it better than I would. At least be reassured he can't have it all his own way...but how are you?

Hey Anto, so sorry to hear that you are in such a crap situation. You must get legal advice asap - I'd also get in contact with your bank/building society and any other organisation that you might have a joint savings plan with (eg an endowment plan) and get written documentation of exactly how much money you, as a couple, currently have. Also make it clear that you now require two signatures to authorise withdrawals - that way he can't empty accounts without your knowing. Sorry to sound so suspicious, but - while I personally haven't been in your situation - my mum was totally shafted in a former relationship. I think it's wise to be over cautious even though it might seem a tad over zealous.

Big hugs.

You will get at least half if not more (especially since you have children) of everything including his pension.

He is legally obliged to provide for you and your kids and that includes keeping a roof over your head and paying child support - also go for maintenance (for you not for children) as you have a small child and are not working - you will definately get this until you are divorced nd maybe even after you are divorced.

His salary will be taken into account and your bit will come out first regardless of his situation now - if the womans kids are not his they have nothing to do with him financially and neither will she. If she cannot go to work because of her kids the father will have to provide for her - not your husband.

Most of all go to see a solicitor and get things moving in terms of finance and written arrangements for your children. Yur nanny may have to go but then again she may not - you need to out this down as an outgoing tht he should help cover and mention it to your solicitor.

Things will be hard and they will get harder but eventually you will see things slowly changing and getting better, do not take anything less than the most you are entitled to and the best of luck. xxx

first thing that I would be doing is to clean the toilet with his toothbrush, sorry to bring things down to a basic level but what a b***d, he should be cherishing his beautiful wife with whom he has made 2 beautiful children,its incredible that he cannot see how lucky he is, men are very stupid sometimes

Thanks all. I seem to have created this thread twice - was not in a good state on Monday. See my response re. the emotional stuff on the other thread. I am scared witless by all the financial stuff. He does earn a good salary and we bought our house jointly, although it's very confusing b/c we bought the house we owned before with mostly my money then that went up a lot in value and we sold it and with the profits bought this one. He pays the mortgage and has done since I had dd1 in 2000. I have worked since having her but only 2 days a week and have used that money to spend on myself, kids, sundries etc.

I realize I know nothing about our financial situation - we have one joint bank account for house stuff, presents, boring admin, but apart from that he has a bank account he pays for everything (including our credit cards & joint account) out of. He has a few tessas, isas, whatever. And also he has a big pension.

I have contacted relate and LMG and it just makes you realize how many people are having problems b/c it's an 8-week wait for 1st appointments at relate and a month at LMG.

He desperately doesn't want to go and wants us to sort it out but I don't know if I can ever trust him again. But at the same time I don't want my kids to grow up without a dad.

Anto, the thing is, as you are married, a judge has the right to distribute the assets of a marriage in any way they like - there's no 'law' as such on how much each party gets. If you did divorce he would have to (by law) disclose all his assets including his pension, so don't worry too much about all that. He seems to have finally realised you are serious, at any rate. I think go with the counselling appointment, even if it is a while away, because it may help you rebuild your marriage, or if not, at least have a more civilised separation. I'm so sorry he's done this to you.