Would you let your ex swan in and take your son to first day back at school?

[Bugsy2]

On Sunday night my ex texts me to say he would like to take ds to school today. I texted back & said that I was taking him to school today but he was welcome to take the children to school & nursery any other day this week. My reasoning being that I wanted to the day to be as low key and "normal" as possible for ds who gets stressed about new things.
Ex-H has been a whopping pain in the a**s about this, making out that I am being unreasonable and denying him access to the children etc etc etc (He has them every second weekend)
Am I? As you know, I'm open to all points of view, so if you think I'm way out of line, please say so.

I don't know the background etc, but I agree with you, for the first day at school I would want to go myself...hope all goes well

Could you have gone together?

Agree with the others you have to go - whether alone or with him, you need to be there.

In his head he's probably doing his best to be an attentive involved dad - but if you and he going together would cause any added stress / anxiety for DS, then no, he should accept and understand that. But I can see that, his arseyness notwithstanding, he is probably feeling a bit lump-in-the-throatish about 1st day at school, just like you.
If it's a first, and a one-off, and not what DS expects, then no way should ex take him INSTEAD of you. No way.

Sorry should have said not actually first ever day at school - just first day back after holidays.

kama - are you serious? woudln't let your DH take your DS to school without you?? Why not?

As for the issue in question I agree with everyone else

No I wouldn't.

He's only given you two day's notice. Presumably, he's known about DS going back to school for 6 weeks. He's had plenty of time to arrange something that suits both of you.

What I would probably do if I were on good terms with ex, is to say that if he's that keen on taking DS back to school, why not arrange to take him back without you on the first day after half-term, or the Christmas holidays? So that your DS is expecting it, and doesn't get stressed out by a sudden change of arrangement.

oh you're talking about 'first day' of school full stop. I was referring to Bugsy - who's DS wasn't going for the first time ever

(and FWIW I did nearly let DH take DS1 to his first day of school today - as my parents were here )

Caligula, that is an excellent idea about possible alternative "first" days. I will suggest that to him.
My own view is that ex-H's parents (who were teachers) said something to him and he suddenly panicked. Then he got really annoyed because I said "no". Usually, I back down because he is a bully and I can't cope with his endless harrassment. However, on this occasion, I had talked through "first day back" with ds a number of times and thought he deserved me to follow through with our arrangement.

Yep - suddenly on Saturday he gets reminded that DS goes back to school and has decided to be a good involved father.

I have a friend whose ex remembers that he wants to be a good involved father every three months or so. So after not having bothered for weeks, he then rings up on Friday at 8PM and says "I'll be round for the kids tomorrow at 10." If she doesn't immediately jump at his command and cancel all her plans, he starts ranting about her denying him access and how he'll take her to court.

There's a lot of it about.

Don't see how he can rant about you denying him access when you've offered him every other day that week. He certainly sounds like a bully who will try to browbeat you when he doesn't instantly get his own way.

Give him a list of convenient dates and then see how many he chooses. And keep a note of all offers and rejections in case he decides to be a complete tit and take you to court.