what do i do?

[OutOutLetItAllOut]

a few months ago, i found out that oh had kissed another woman, a 1 off, and had become reliant on another woman. no physical contact, but far to many calls, texts and far to much secrecy.
we had other issues and i thought that these 2 things were more of a symptom of underlying issues than the main issue.
we decided to try at our marriage and one stipulation i out on it was that he was to have no more contact with either woman any more.
i found out today tht the woman he ws texting and calling secretly, he has still be doing so.
now what?
from my pov, ive tried, i was willing to work and thought it was better.
he on the other hand cant give this frinedship up, even thouh he knows it is an issue and admitted it was wrong.
i now think that its a lost cause but he thinks i am being stupid.
any ideas?
am i being stupid?

Have you told him you know?

I would ask him if he's serious about wanting to try because you don't trust him and think it might be better to just split.

If it were me it would be a lost cause. You're certainly not being stupid, and I don't think your OH is exactly in a position to be calling names.

But only you can decide whether you can keep at it and whether the good parts are worth the lies and the deceit. It does seem unlikely that he'll change, I have to say. And even if he did, would you ever be able to trust him?

yeah i have told him. i made him show me his phone, and thats how i found out.
i was so willing to try to get over him being unfaithful, i put in so much effort in the past few months. and yet he cant even be bothered to keep a promise.

First off, you tell him that your feelings are not stupid!
Can't give this friendship up? Or won't?
You cannot mend this relationship if he is not willing to prioritise you over her and cut out part of what is causing you unhappiness.

Good luck.

he was texting one and relying on another?sounds like he likes a lot of attention from the ladies,and this other friend might just be that,a friend,
i don't know,i think you would be giving up too quickly IMO,i am not saying its alright for him to kiss and text other women but giving up a marriage on that is a bit hasty,

why can't he give her up?do you know?

he said he was lonely, which is why he was relying on one and why he kissed the other.
so we have worked so hard, had time together, talked, no arguing, been out, he has taken up 2 hobbies, so that he gets time to be him.
its the secrecy.
he lied to my face that he had stopped calling her and texting her.

but then again when trust is lost,its hard to get it back,and if he is not willing to listen to you and acknowledge your feelings,thats just wrong,what you feel is not silly or stupid,its what a normal wife would feel if their DH was busy texting another woman and kissing others,

your choice,and all the best,

sorry,meant to say i hope you do whats right for you,he might not change,

i dont think he understands that if he says he needs her cause he is lonely, that means there is something missing from us.

if youve got kids i'd try with counselling and lots of other things.

if you haven't i;d fuck him off

we have got kids, ive asked about conuncelling, he said he doenst think we need it. i think he is talking shit.

no, Out, there is nothing necessarily wrong with your relationship

but it sounds like you have married a weak and deceitful liar...so there is something wrong with him

he "needs" her because he is lonely ??

send him to her, you get a faithful doggy, everybody wins

has he got an addictive personality? If so it may be a manifestation of his addictive behaviour : the excitement of a new relationship, all the flirting etc, is an escape from the drudgery of normal life. That you or I would just put up with.

Is he doing it when he is under the influence of alcohol or drugs?

Is he showing signs of guilt or sorrow after you have found this evidence a second time?

I'd take things slowly. Talk to him about why he has done this for a second time.

Say how hard you thought you had BOTH been working at your relationship after the first revelation of infidelity.

Tell him that if he wants to save and recover his relationship with you, he has to go cold turkey and stop contacting other women, end of.

He has got you to confide in, talk over problems, and to support him. He does not need this/these other women. Being in touch with them is making the situation worse.

Its a simple choice, a real relationship with you, or an escapist fantasy relationship.

He may find it hard and painful to go cold turkey, which will be hard for you too, but that is what he has got to do. Explain to him he cannot have both of you, its one or the other.

He must stop contact completely to allow himself to move on to a better life, and also this "friend" he has been txting.

Explain to him, that they are not his friends They do not wish his primary relationship well. They have friends and support networks of their own and he should allow them to use there friends not HIM.

It will be hard for him to change, but he can. Stick with it for a couple of weeks longer and then reassess. If he is making a massive effort again to change then good.

ultimatley this is a sign of his respect for you. he clearly doesn'r respect you.

so, before you go leaving him etc. you need to get your finances in order see the cab - housing is necessary and sort out bank accounts debts and see a solicitor.

you need the financial ins and outs of what you will be able to claima nd what support you can get.

remind him that you are a good looking fabulous woman and you wont have any problem getting some dick yourself ( they forget that) and that junior might call someone else daddy one day

oooh reprocussions to my actions...surely not...nobber

Does he have any male friends? I am not condoning what he's been up to by any means, but it's unrealistic to think that one person, even a DH/DW, can fulfil all your emotional needs. He may really be lonely, no matter how close the two of you are.

He is behaving poorly and needs to get his priorities straight.

I was in a similar situation - having to rebuild a relationship where trust about other women was an issue (after he had an affair).

This is the most important relevation I had about my trust issues:
I can't stay in a relationship where I can't trust the other person. Each time, I let it go, it tells him he'll probably get away with it the next time.

I do not want to advise you to leave him (because I know that is a huge decision especially with DCs) but you need to impress on him how serious this is.
I suggest you just go ahead and organise a counselling session and insist he goes with if he wants your relationship to continue.

DH did this, without any kissing and stopped after the 2nd discovery, ut when the trust has gone, it's gone. If I didn't have 3 DSs I'd be gone.

it hurts so much.

custardo, I think I love you

Deffo set up councilling session. Drive home to him, how important it is to get to the route of this - his problem, that is impacting to much on your and children's lives.

My dh did this to me too. I did think, how many chances do you give someone. So far I don't think he has shat on me from a great height again.

Agree with previous posters, can you ask him to identify someone appropriate to talk to, like a sister or a male friend.

He has been unfaithful - he has had tunnel vision, while you have been busy bringing up your children, he has only had his mind on the excitement of this relationship. Secrecy has fueled excitement and intimacy and therefore confidences.

He has treated you with disrespect, but this is the nature infidelity.

Some people who are more prone to having affairs, have addictive an personality. They find it difficult to step up and take responsibility for there own behaviour. They drink, have affairs etc when the going gets tough, for example a promotion, stress at work, having a baby, any big life event. And it only takes the wrong sort of woman with issues of her own to come along, and its a recipe for mayhem as I know!!

If he has made changes for the better already, before this setback then councelling could help.

A relationship, a good relationship should feel like coming home. Safe, secure, warm, inviting. Never lonely, never untrustworthy.

I think this is over.